My thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RESTurtles, Jan 2, 2014.

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  1. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    I've typed out all what I felt, and believe I should say, even what I shouldn't to just delete it all, why, because it doesn't matter what I feel or what I want to say. I hate talking about myself, because to me it sounds like I'm bitching, moaning, crying, like somebody should just say "die or grow up". I've tried to post a lot in the past, but I chickened out, but I'm going to just throw it out there, no matter what, because its eating me up inside. Its getting to a point where I'm starting to have breakdowns and trouble breathing. Lately everything has been getting worse, everything that could go wrong, seems like it is going or has gone wrong. I used to feel like I take one step forward and take three back (which I got used to), but lately its been just taking steps back with nothing positive happening.

    I've always felt/been alone, feeling lost, with only a few hands to grab me when I'm down, only to remember they know only what I tell them, and that is nothing. I'm not the kind of person to lie to my friends or family, but to me it shouldn't matter what I feel, I'm not one to put my problems out there for people to see how weak I actually am, take one hit and I'm down, and I stay down. Even though only one person may know just a small hint of what I feel, he will never know/understand, he only should know what I told him the one time I asked for help (I'm not the person to ask for help).

    I'm not the kind of person that's into illegal drugs, I did some stuff when I was young, when it was cool, got older to only see I'm spending money to have a good time with my friends, which left after awhile, only to see myself the only one still where I was left. After while I tried SH, which at first it helped, made me feel like an individual, not like I needed to be told what to feel or what to think. After awhile it got worse, I not only went back to feeling like I needed to hide everything, but hide more, have reasons why I got a huge cuts on my arms/wrists, still was a distraction from what I was thinking previously, only to find myself thinking about the same thing even after.

    Suicidal thoughts don't come and go for me, they soak in till I fall asleep only to wake up, and feel myself having to see it never happened, it was just a dream/nightmare, maybe. There is nothing holding me back, so why not, every time I feel like its time I just cant.

    Thanks for reading...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you posted suicidal thoughts are so hard to deal with without support of therapy and meds hun i have them too You should not have to be alone ok YOU MATTER ok you thoughts matter the way you feel matter and if you can be more open with someone maybe just maybe the right supports can be given to you so you do not have to abuse yourself

    I hear you i do thanks for posting hun
  3. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying, but I think it was a mistake for me to explain my thoughts.
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