My thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RandomName, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. RandomName

    RandomName New Member

    well to start off I am 18 and I feel I am a mistake. I grew up hearing that my mother wished I was never born. I was told that since I started elementary school. I even feel like I am nothing but a fuck up. I tried until middle school to hear my mom and dad say I did good enough. It never was even when I got awards from the state of Texas saying I had the one of the highest test scores on the end of the year tests and holding the highest AR points in the school they shrugged and said I should have done better. They praise my two sisters as the greatest thing since sliced bread. They brag about how they are the first ones to do extracurricular activities but that's a lie I begged for years all the way to high school for the chance. They told me no and threw insults at me every time I asked. They were super strict refusing to let me hang out with friends and moved to new states often. I have one friend and if it wasn't for her I would be all alone. I love her and she is my world. I don't want her to know how fucked I am cause I know she deserves so much better than me. We are dating for two month but have known each other for two years. Its just I feel so useless I have no job and I hate myself. Until two years ago my dream was to die. I no longer believe in god. I prayed every day since I was 10-16 for one thing. All I asked is that I die in my sleep. I feel like I am a burden. I am scared that my amazing girlfriend will leave me for someone better. I hate that even now I only feel happy when I am with her. Its just that even now I only live for her and my grandparents. I know I don't have the worst life but if it wasn't for my girl friend I would fall back into feeling nothing.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. Wow that is so not fair how your parents treated your siblings so differently.

    Are you still living at home?
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I know you are down but it's not fair the way your parents treated you. I know you are down and in the same way I hope then same as you never to wake up but sometimes you have no choice but continue life. Use your intelligence in order to better yourself and try to get away from parents in order to get a life of independence which your girlfriend and grandparents can be proud of.

    I know you will be hurting some days but please perserve as you do have a future but it's not going to be easy. You will be faced with a lot ups and downs but you can survive. Please keep posting as we care about everyone who is hurting in the world.
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry for the way that your parents treated you. That's horrible but it seems like you have been able to prosper academically and socially. That is something to be proud of. I'm glad that you have grandparents that love you and a wonderful girlfriend. How is your relationship with your sisters? Are you looking to go to college? You're obviously a very smart person with a lot to offer to the world. Please keep your head up and continue to work hard for yourself and those you love. It is hard when you don't feel wanted but there are people in your life who do want you around and I hope you are able to get strength from that.

    Welcome to the forum and keep posting here. There is a lot of love and support on this site.