well to start off I am 18 and I feel I am a mistake. I grew up hearing that my mother wished I was never born. I was told that since I started elementary school. I even feel like I am nothing but a fuck up. I tried until middle school to hear my mom and dad say I did good enough. It never was even when I got awards from the state of Texas saying I had the one of the highest test scores on the end of the year tests and holding the highest AR points in the school they shrugged and said I should have done better. They praise my two sisters as the greatest thing since sliced bread. They brag about how they are the first ones to do extracurricular activities but that's a lie I begged for years all the way to high school for the chance. They told me no and threw insults at me every time I asked. They were super strict refusing to let me hang out with friends and moved to new states often. I have one friend and if it wasn't for her I would be all alone. I love her and she is my world. I don't want her to know how fucked I am cause I know she deserves so much better than me. We are dating for two month but have known each other for two years. Its just I feel so useless I have no job and I hate myself. Until two years ago my dream was to die. I no longer believe in god. I prayed every day since I was 10-16 for one thing. All I asked is that I die in my sleep. I feel like I am a burden. I am scared that my amazing girlfriend will leave me for someone better. I hate that even now I only feel happy when I am with her. Its just that even now I only live for her and my grandparents. I know I don't have the worst life but if it wasn't for my girl friend I would fall back into feeling nothing.