my thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Sep 9, 2010.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    for the past few months i have been spiraling down and endless black hole, i could see the changes in me but it seemed that the rest of the world was oblivious to it. Thinking i was going out of my mind i just dismissed what i saw and felt. pushed it away so that the rest of the world would not have to see the girl who wished more than anything that she could just drift away into a nothing world were no one cared about me or where i had gone. i knew that wouldnt happen tho. people have tried to help me unlock my inner most feelings but nothing new really coming bursting out as they all hoped. as for myself i shut down on myself, i quit trying to fix what i have become. meds and therapy did not help, crying and showing emotion it just doesnt come anymore unless i force it out. Ill go into chat and sit there and help those who seem so lost and down but i cant figure out how to take care of myself. im stuck in a world i hate, stuck trying to help people and when they leave feeling better i am left sitting in a ocean of pain and sorrow and discontent.

    several days ago something happened that seemed to affect and change me even more. trying to save someone's life seemed like something i had to do, didnt have a choice. but since then i has even more quiet than usual, i tell everyone i am fine that there is nothing to worry about but that really isnt true. what i have felt since then i am not able to put into words, i dunno if its even a feeling its just there. Sleeping is getting harder and harder, i get tired i want to sleep but getting up from the chair i sit in is almost impossible, i have no desire to move. I space out, dunno anything its like my body stops, then snap out of it awhile later.

    for the past 3 or 4 months I have gone with a friend to her grandparents house to hang out, use the pool etc. In the beginning that was something i really enjoyed, now i just float in the pool, not really feeling anything, not seeing joy in anything that i used to. I just put music on like Evanescence or Within Temptation and blare it as loud as i can and yet i dont even feel that sometimes as i used to. I wouldnt say im losing interest in the horses because i do love them but im feeling like i belong there less and less, dont enjoy the work like i used to, im not happy there anymore. I dunno if its because of owner being so sick and that bringing back bad memories; or if its from being attack by people not understanding why i act the way i do. I just dunno, all i kno is it feels different, i feel different and i dont like it at all, sick of it all...