My trauma.

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I didnt develop PTSD until 7 years after the event happened. I moved overseas less than a year after it happened, and never looked back. I just avoided and built up this barrier within myself to protect myself from it.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time, and while I know people knew it happened, I shut myself off to it - I didnt think I was entitled to help or support. It was too clearly my own fault.

I know now, that I had flashbacks since it happened, and I have issues now about cleanliness...if I touch certain things, I can't get my hands clean; I can't get the dirtiness off....I sometimes think that things have been imprinted onto my skin and body.

Then when I developed the PTSD, I had no choice but to tell the doctor and psychologist and eventually psychiatrist who was treating me. This was 3 years ago, and now I think I just have to accept...that I am completely ruined.

I am never, ever, going to ever, be able to make the feelings, thoughts, memories, flashbacks go away. I am never going to be able to make the realness of it go away. I am never going to not have issues with men, or sexual things. Nothing has worked, nothing is ever going to work.

Its amazing, how I can, in my -day to day- life, cover this brokenness up. But I know that I'm too ruined, and I know that its my fault that I'm ruined. I know its my fault for getting into such a position, and its my fault that I ended up being so traumatized by it.

I guess it becomes a question then, as to whether I can continue to live my life knowing this and knowing I caused me to be this way, and then having such a deep, internal shame and disgust towards myself.

I dont really think that I can.

I've tried to cover everything up with a good job, travel, husband, study, etc....but deep down, I have this deep shame and this deep terror and horror and disgust towards myself. And there seems to be nothing, that I can make it better.



Staff Alumni
Hi Ayuria,

Whatever happened, if you were a victim, its was not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes circumstances are just not under our control, but you can regain some of it by learning to heal and to cope and not punishing yourself so much by taking the blame on you. Most every wounds, those outside and inside can be mended to an extend and we can learn how to live with whatever scars are left. We can even learn to be proud of those scars as the marks of us surviving and even thriving. I would suggest maybe find a therapist, or some other safe place where you can open up and discuss about all of this. Feel free to pm me. I wish you peace of mind and of heart, after what you have been through, you deserve it.
I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience, and if you want to talk, I'm around.

Developing PTSD does not mean you are in any way less of a worthy person deserving of help and healing. PTSD develops to help protect you and keep you from being harmed again. You have done good work in seeking treatment, and understanding what is going on in your head. Keep going! Healing can be a long road, with many pauses to rest your mind and body, and you will meet people who may help you along the way.

Be gentle with yourself, and keep paying attention to how you react. Knowing the why will help you to know whether you are reacting to what is happening now, or to what happened then. It's ok to need help in moving forward. You're worth it!
Thank you both for your response. I am sorry that I did not respond sooner, I have struggled a bit over the past few days to gather my thoughts.

I realize, that I have had a learned reaction to terror - its generally the flight mode for me, where my flight response in the midst of the terror is to freeze and disassociate, followed my a physical flight (new country, new job, away from anything that reminds me etc...). I know this has protected me in the past. But this has turned into such learned and severe avoidance, that I struggle now to identify who I am and with other people, and with the world. Sometimes, I dont even think I belong; that I am separate and so isolated from everyone. My world feels different than it used to.

I know that I am still so fraught with guilt and anger at myself, that it creates a barrier against my ability to heal. All the anger, that people say I should direct at the other person, is directed inwardly and so I harm myself or other such things.

Sometimes, I think that I can't erase things from my skin or that there are marks on me that I can't get rid of. Sometimes I think that this is all I am.

I know, that its not, but its hard to get away from it and in the darkest moments, I dont really think I ever can.

Its weird, how memories just cause such shame and terror. I suppose it might be because you are just reliving it over and over again, so its not as though they are just memories...



Staff Alumni
For years, I ad horrific flashbacks, which damaged my days and haunted my dreams...when I was able to see what they were saying to me, and what truly happened, they reduced quite significantly, and today, they are rare...hope you understand that you are not to blame, not inadequate because of your reaction to a horrible trauma, and deserve to feel better
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