I didnt develop PTSD until 7 years after the event happened. I moved overseas less than a year after it happened, and never looked back. I just avoided and built up this barrier within myself to protect myself from it. I was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time, and while I know people knew it happened, I shut myself off to it - I didnt think I was entitled to help or support. It was too clearly my own fault. I know now, that I had flashbacks since it happened, and I have issues now about cleanliness...if I touch certain things, I can't get my hands clean; I can't get the dirtiness off....I sometimes think that things have been imprinted onto my skin and body. Then when I developed the PTSD, I had no choice but to tell the doctor and psychologist and eventually psychiatrist who was treating me. This was 3 years ago, and now I think I just have to accept...that I am completely ruined. I am never, ever, going to ever, be able to make the feelings, thoughts, memories, flashbacks go away. I am never going to be able to make the realness of it go away. I am never going to not have issues with men, or sexual things. Nothing has worked, nothing is ever going to work. Its amazing, how I can, in my -day to day- life, cover this brokenness up. But I know that I'm too ruined, and I know that its my fault that I'm ruined. I know its my fault for getting into such a position, and its my fault that I ended up being so traumatized by it. I guess it becomes a question then, as to whether I can continue to live my life knowing this and knowing I caused me to be this way, and then having such a deep, internal shame and disgust towards myself. I dont really think that I can. I've tried to cover everything up with a good job, travel, husband, study, etc....but deep down, I have this deep shame and this deep terror and horror and disgust towards myself. And there seems to be nothing, that I can do...to make it better. Ayuria.