my trigger hopelessness

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by christine1114, Apr 19, 2009.

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  1. christine1114

    christine1114 Member

    He died the pedifile I did not get the chance to tell him how of low degrading piece of garbage he was. Just because he was ill they took pity on him. Some were aware of what he did to me.. BUt it did not affect them so it was not real to them I wish he did not die I wanted so much to look him in the eye and say am not a child anymore am a grown woman what you did to me effected my entire life, but am much older an am now trying to get a hold of my life. no more abusive relationship no more feeling insecure not feeling less than a person. Insegnificant. Why did I FEEL I did not matteR. I wish you were alive my brother so I could kick you right in the balls. I was a child and you stole everything from me..
    How can I FEEL whole again... I never got a chance to confront him ..


    And why do I seem to go right into a abusive relationshipe again and again. Maybe it me It got to me I seem to be a magnet right to them. It goes well and them they just walk up and down my back everytime and I allow it I hate this
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2009
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Do you feel you can move on from this even if he isn't alive anymore. That is the most important thing, to be able to move on.
     
  3. christine1114

    christine1114 Member

    Thanks for asking but I am just realizing that I have been dealing with this my entire life .. and not the right way. I think that is why I have had abusive relationships and my exhusband was abusive in his own way dominating, demanding giving me lowself esteem consently extra marital affairs. And I now see a cycle that I have creatived for myself. It was my way of protecting myself. I lived in this shadow that I have masked for myself that I dont know if I am to old to brake. I have been divorced for 4yrs and my fiance of 3 yrs has pasted.. May he rest in peace I love him to emensly but he had alot of problems.. Bio polar for one. And toward the end he was violent and very abusive. He ended up taking his life. But I still love him and miss him. I wish he was still here. He was my life line. He was strong for me when I wasn't. I was always there for him. He had a illness and I understand this. And what he did he thought it was a cure for his problems but it was not..
    I remember when I was growning up I use to cut myself. Now I know that I did this to kill the pain. Or to feel I was alive. Am now just learning about myself aLL those nightmares I had and still have are stremmed from when I was a child to a teenager.. I dont trust myself to be in a normal relationship I dont know what one is. So I sit here and think am better off by myself. BUt here I go again hiding from life. I grew up with my childhood and teenage years taken from me and I dont know what normal is. The thought of being in a relationship with a man makes me violently ill. The thought of a man touching me makes me want to run. I dont like being at parties or big events I avoid men who want to ask me out. And am very self conscious. I feel very ackward and I feel very very small and insegnificant around men. I feel like I have no power. I still have anxiety attacks. It doesnt matter that my attacker is dead. My problems still egsists. I hate him and what he did to me.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps what you need is not to be in a relationship. In the mean time you are learning about yourself.
    Do you close friends who you can turn to for support? Or even family members?
     
  5. christine1114

    christine1114 Member

    no not really I think if you have not been through it you have no idea. Some people are to quick to judge and I dont like explaining to myself.. I remember I CONfided in two relatives one really did not really wanted to face the truth and the other told me to keep my mouth shut for fear the family wont be able to handle it I was about 15 16 then. So if I happen to bring it up to one family member she totally avoids the conversation. So I just deal with it on my own. Thanks again for asking No body ever asked me or care to ask me.
     
  6. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    I can relate, my mother still does not believe me even though she walked in twice while the abuser was abusing me, she puts him on a pedestal like he could never do anything like that. Her explanation is that I took it wrong. I don't understand how a nine year old little girl could take a 55 year old man well I won't say what he did, it is too graphic. She still to this day denies what she saw. My husband is emotionally and sexually abusive and I have tried to leave, but it's all hopeless. I'm sorry I did not mean to unload like this.
     
  7. christine1114

    christine1114 Member

    I dont understand why we seem to be a magnet for this.. wHEN we go right to a abusive relationships.. I guess I dont have any self worth AM trying to a grasp on this i was with my exhusband for25yrs and onlynow can i see through the clouds of what he was really about. very selffish
     
  8. lmw106

    lmw106 Member

    I don't know either, I do know that I carried alot of guilt and shame for a long time, maybe we in some way, I don't know find the same cruel nature in a mate and feel we deserve it. We don't of coarse, but I can honestly say that my husband has treated me just as cruely as my mother and my abusers. In the beginning I trusted him enough to tell him all the secrets that I had hidden for such a long time and for him to treat me the way he has and done to me the things he has. It really hurts
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i can relate.
     
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member


    I can understand why you deal with this on your own. Now that you have joined this forum, you can start slowly talking about it and hopefully for your own sake, it can help you overcome this and move on.
     
  11. Daisy

    Daisy Active Member

    hey,
    I was raped by my brother for many years too and no one in my family wanted to deal with it either.
    I just wanted to let you know that I understand and I'm around if you need someone to talk to.
     
  12. christine1114

    christine1114 Member

    thanks, than you understand ...what is trust ??? I feel I lost it for anyone when it comes to relationships.. because if you cannot trust your on family then there is really no one you caN really trust.
     
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I can only speak for myself on this, so here goes. If you can't trust your family or relatives and if your not close to them, that doesn't mean you can't trust or be close to anyone else. I know this myself. So don't give up on trusting someone both in terms of a friendship or a relationship.
     
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