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My true self, am i hot or ugly as a person

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jarrett, Mar 22, 2014.

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  1. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    i am doing this because i really dont go outside much and dont know if am ugly, nice, hot or crazy , this is also i good way for me to explain myself to myself so bare with me please, did this sometime ago on here, back then i was in a different place, but now i feel a great deal better, but i still have issues

    so this is who i am and what is impotent to me and what i look like and such it gets weird sometimes but enjoy

    First off i am a joker, i look at life as entertainment, and i make people laugh when i am around them, but i am the sad clown, i do it to make others happy but i feel nothing, alteast someone else can have joy if i cant that is effort for me to keep doing it, if i can bring a smile to someone's face it full fills me alot i dont know why. the humour which makes me laugh is dark and or immature (invader zim anyone ? if so i love you) but its a very rare mix.

    i am 17, i am 5`7 and i am a ginger (rarest one in the world because i am Jamaican lol odd huh?) , i take very good care of my self i straighten my hair to one side most of the time when i dont i look like the ginger from harry potter (atleast my hair does lol), i do not have many frelcks on my face, i have piercing blue eyes while my hair is down. i am very clean i wash everyday after my morning work out. alot of adults say nice things about my hair, (but its just hair)but teenagers in my school are a different story. i am a little too pale i cant tan at all.

    I am dark minded and pretty smart (iq between 120-140), been tested. when taking to people, people like this side of me more but i cant live this way all the time, as it depresses me.

    i love, lifting weights i am very fit for my age (very well built body from alot of work) my abbs are about a 4 pack or a 6 if a flex, i am very strong, i am very fast able to run faster then almost anyone, my weight is 156 and its mostly pure lean muscle with about body fat of 10 - 12 %, i go to the gym 5 days a week, and have to 2 gym classes in my finale year of high school, and i bike (4 km twice) a day and run over the spring and summer (around 2 km to 8 km a day) i live in Canada now so winter i cant but i enjoy cold so its fine with me.

    i love having deep relationships with my partner, i have to enjoy them for them, and like wise, i am a anime fanboy and proud of it and a nerd stoner and fun loving man, when i am not depressed, but when i am my smart side takes over.

    i am on the wealthy side of families, i will have my own house and car by the time i am 20 because of my money, but i was raised without it for most of my life because my dad came from Jamaica and my mom came from a poor family, they showed me how to work hard for my money, and i never take money lightly, because i know life can change, and i hate how people dont give back when the world has givin them so much. i am also i very hard worker, i am a person who gives it his all because i dont do things half assed, no matter the job.

    i am bisexual and very open minded when it comes to sex even thought i have never had sex in my life, i am waiting for that special woman or man, i haven't even kissed a boy or girl yet and i am 17, but i never have felt that spark between myself and someone else, well thats a lie i have had crushes but i always get the worse of luck, when it comes to who i like.

    i am a big stoner i smoke alot of weed to get by if i need to, but i am fint without it, and only use it on my bad days, i dont drink because my dad was alcoholic but he cleaned up in the last couple years after he meet his new wife, and we now have a good relationship, but i really cant feel sadness for anyone even if one of my family members died. Dont say i will because my grand mother had cancer and i didnt care, but i see it as fate and there's no point crying over something which will call us all one day (death not cancer), i think you should smile when they pass on and remember the good times you shared, they wouldnt want you to be sad they would want you to enjoy your life has much as you can, thats how i pay my respects, not as sick you thought huh?

    i am going to become a cop when i grow up to protect the weak, and make a difference in others lives even thought i dont like people, just like the idea of giving back to a world that has giving me alot and this is my own way, i am not a born leader but i can become one very easily if i am needed to be, or at least i have been told i can deal with hard situations with easy and in very fast manner.

    i want to clean up my city, and make it into a better place, with less crime and psychos, i am a psychopath (not really but i have very similar mind as they do ), but i have it under control because the weak are not for me, i want to get the evil man of the world in jail and away from the normal people, i dont know why but out smarting people has always been my favourite hobby and it will never change, and making the world better world be great too.

    i dont believe in after life or god for that matter, but i think its impotent to respect others ideas on god, because the differences in people is what makes us human, it gives insight in to different worlds we cant live, and i think we all have different experiences in this curl game we call life, and our reasons are a own at the end of the day so who am i to judge you.

    anyway this is me i may be hot or ugly in some ways, i only really want to know if any of you like me for who i am (now that you have read this what do you think), because i hate being fake in my life, so i know this is little cocky but for me its impotent to write things out to get a better understanding of my self, also i think i am a sick, ugly, person for most of my life, i just never felt right in my skin because i make up less then %2 of the world, we may not be a race but its hard growing up with no role models who look like you (maybe its just me ) and i got bullied my whole life for it, for my hair, and other things like how i talk, i have a slight speech problem with saying R`s but woman seem to like it because it makes me different (like i dont stick out already). i havent been bulied in 2 years now, fun how things change when i now am the one who can kick their ass, but i never do because i am above that now and i would only become the people made my life shit. luckily i never got bullied for being a bisexual because i just accepted about 2 weeks ago, it felt so good not being bond to the bullshit that was forced on me my entire life from me peers in my school, and my parents dont know yet but, they are opening minded and wouldn't care, it was just very hard for me to come to terms with it, but now that i have i am a lot happier in my life.

    anyway be nice and i would love non trolly feed back, because i need to know if you think i am vain or evil or scary or your type :p, i really have problems with being my true self, most people leave me when i show my true colours and i feel alone, but i like my peace.

    also i know my writing is not the best but, English was always hard for me always was a maths guy and my mind has a hard time with typing because i read over my mistakes, or in other words i think faster then i can type so stuff gets mixed up time after time sorry for my bad English skills if you had problems understanding
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you are a very interest person hun I hope you can find better things to help you cope when you down instead of the pot Ginger sound so unique makes you someone that stand out in the crowd i bet You sound like a very caring person to think of others so you do care but don't know how to feel Have you ever been to a pdoc to see why you are unable to feel Nice to meet you Jarrett
  3. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    well for the most part i am, not a caring person, i just think you need to give back to the world, otherwise i feel guilty. No i really havent seen any doctors for depression, if i did i couldn't be a cop. One thing is i feel emotions but the are fleeting and very weak to start with, never staying always leaving me, sometimes i feel very hallow, but those feelings come and go, the impotent thing is not to get trapped in the cycle.

    Pot helps but its just a vice i have, its not as bad as drinking (enlighten me if drinking is better),
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You seem an interesting person. Of course it is impossible for anybody to tell you what you are like based on a description you give of yourself - the way we see ourselves is always clouded by our own perceptions and wishes (or conversely by our personal image problems). This is why Psychologist use self descriptions to determine the way we think of ourselves as part of a diagnostic procedure. It is much like hearing a recording of your voice- when we hear our own voice it sounds nothing like the voice in our head.

    Hopefully writing this gave you a chance to consider who you think you are and what things you need to do to be a better person, but sadly your goal of writing this and having others be able to tell what you are like simply will not work. For that we all need our own observations of you rather than a self description. Hopefully you will stick around so we can get to know what you are really like rather than just how you perceive yourself.
  5. Jarrett

    Jarrett Member

    Well it was a little dumb, but it did help me out getting it on writing, but i dont know if i can really help people on here, i am messed up still (getting better) and i really wouldnt want to mess with anyones head, but I went through suicidal thoughts alot during the last couple months (coming to terms with my sexuality was a big factor) , and they do get better, so i guess i understand what people here are going through.

    But this may sound odd but when ever i am down, i go for a run, i have a inspiring talk with myself, i find this gets me out of my bad space, and gives me a winning mentality (for a lack of better words).
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