My turn

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Janus, May 13, 2009.

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  1. Janus

    Janus Member

    I have been depressed since I was 15 years old. I tried to kill myself when I was 16 - I took many anti-psychotic pills and almost died. I wish I had.

    I realised that I have been living my whole life for other people - I have to live to look after my family; I'm the only one who can care for my sister. But now that I'm 27, my family has disowned me (when I rejected Christianity in favour of agnosticism) and now my Christian sister who I quit work 4 years ago to look after, has left me. She knewI was depressed and she knew I had no one else - yet she lied (claimed I was abusing her) so she could get out quickly and get free accommodation in an 'emergency placement' house (for people who are abused). She even called the cops and tried to have me involuntarily committed! She has destroyed my reputation around town - and now no one who knows us both will give me the time of day or even look at me, because they think I was beating her every day.

    This is NOT true! The truth of the matter is that (she didn't tell me this I worked it out), she does not forgive me for what happened to our dog on the 27th December, 2008. He was killed by Pitbulls (a neighbours) and I was the one who let my dogs out that morning (as I do every morning) but it just so happened that my idiot neighbour did not secure his dangerous dogs in his property, and my dog was killed.

    I fell back into a deep depression because I feel so guilty- and that is when my sister started threatening to move out ("if you don't cheer up I'm leaving") but then she pretended everything was fine and was organizing the whole time to move out behind my back.

    So now I am alone, depressed, jobless (I was a full time carer for her), moneyless - the only thing I have are my 2 dogs - they are 13 & 9 years old - so it is only a matter of time before I lose them too. I have no friends and no family.

    I almost killed myself when my dog died - but like a fool I was worried that my sister would have to find me and I did not want that so somehow I got through it; but when one of my dogs dies, there will be nothing to help me from ending it (if I don't do it before that).

    My whole life is pointless - I realised I do not want to achieve anything for myself in life and the last piece of faith I had in humanity walked out the door with my sister.

    Why do those who treat people the worst (usually the religious IMO) get everything they want in life - and people like us, who put others first, always get a kick in the face as a reward.

    To make matters worse, my sister comes over every day as if nothing has happened. Why doesn't she just leave me alone and never come back? I think she is coming to check if I've carked it yet so she can come take my stuff....there is no other reason why she would be coming over.

    I am just so tired and I do not want this life :( I am thankful to find this place - most other places I only find religious people who want to convert me to their religion (I"m an Atheist) - actually I had an upsetting email exchange with a fundy on this forum so I am wary about engaging in PM or email contact now.

    Sorry my story is so jumbled - I stopped taking my anti-depressants because they weren't helping so I am having some withdrawal.
  2. Janus

    Janus Member

    Forgot to add, that my sister gave me 2 hours notice before she moved out - and she expected me to give her 1/2 of everything. She said she was sick of me 'having all the money' but it was our money (both of ours) and the only reason I was saving it was so that she would not be left with nothing in case something happened to me. She did everything she could to screw me over before she left (financially, housewise, etc...) and that's why it hurts so much that she keeps coming over.

    I do not want to take my medication - actually I know I am mentally ill (hear voices, see people that are not there) but because of my Christian upbringing there was a big stigma on that so I have tried to hide it instead of getting treatment for it.

    I tried getting treatment a couple of times but it is a joke - I am not good with people (I prefer not to be around them) but when I did try and lay it all out for my psychiatrist, all they did was laugh at me and then tell me I was not 'mentally ill enough' to bother dealing with (because I can hide it most of the time if i have to).

    I just want to die so badly there is no point to living. I am jealous of you guys - because at least you have family and friends but I have none. I sit in my house all day waiting for death to take me - or the impulse to do something myself get strong enough. Even if I wanted to make friends, my complete inability in social situations prevents me from doing so. I guess it's why I spend so much time on the Internet.

    I can't even tell people IRL that I feel suicidal because all they do is chuck you in the nut house - and THAT does not help at all. They seem to think that if they can prevent you from killing yourself in a few days that you're fine (ie. a 'temporary crisis') but they do not bother helping with ANYTHING. So I just lie to everyone and say I'm fine when I'm not; I am broken inside.

    I hate this life - I have never lived it for me and I don't want to.
  3. dreamstar

    dreamstar Active Member

    Hi Janus, I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles and the deep pain/suffering that your experiencing. My heart goes out to you because I know what it feels like to be screwed over by family and what it feels like being all alone in the world. My brother screwed me over. Doesnt care nothing about me. Only family in my life are my two parents and we're like a million miles apart. We live in the same house but its like we're on completely different planets. Cant talk to them about anything going on with me. They just dont get it and very often just make me feel a million times worse with their insensitivity. I have SEVERE social problems too and not able to make any friends. Its a very lonely/empty life:(. I also feel my whole life is completely/utterly pointless. I think about death every single day now. Like just waiting for it to take me away too. Anyway I just wanted to let you know your not alone in your miseries and that someone out here cares about your pain/suffering.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Janus,
    I feel for you, because a couple of years ago I was in a similar state of mind..After working a long time with my shrink trying different meds we have finally got the worst of it behind me.. I also have been seeing a therapist for four years and she has taught me how to cope.
    I still have social phobia and augoriphobia to an extent..I isolate myself away from the world..Have no friends outside of the forum..I still think about suicide dailey but I know now that I won't act on it..
    I don't know where you live. If it is here in the states why don't you apply for disability..It would help you pay for a good therapist..It takes time to be able to hold your head above water.. But in the long run it is worth it..
    I have sat my family down and talked to them, some understand and others don't but accept I have problems and say they support me..You have to try with your family to make them understand.. Leave out the religeon stuff..I have my own beleifs and I don't talk about them with my family..
    I just want you to know your not alone, there are plenty of us who are or were in the same boat you are..Let us help to support you!! And welcome to the forums..Oh yeah if you don't want any communication with someone go to the profile screen and choose the ignore list and put that person on it and you will never here from them again..Take Care!!
  5. Janus

    Janus Member

    @Dreamstar: Thank you so much! It helps a little to know I'm not completely alone.

    Congratulations! I do not wish to see a Therapist because I do not like to go outside anywhere....I have to psych myself up for 3 or 4 days before I can motivate myself to go to the store to buy some more milk or something LOL (not that I've been eating anything). I think my ONLY concern to stay living is my dogs - but it is getting to the point where I think they would be better off without me.

    Me too. The thing is I don't want to tell my doctor that I'm suicidal because I think he will have me committed - and there is NO ONE to look after my affairs (bills, dogs, house etc..) if I were to go - so if I were to do that, I'd basically have to give up everything just for the short stay in a psych. ward (they dont help anyway).

    Also I do not know how to get across to my doctor that I HATE HATE HATE going outside and being around people - I have kind of said it but I don't think he knows how serious it is.

    I also have trouble sleeping, but I don't want to get medication for that - because I am afraid he will think that I just want drugs you know? I just want to be normal.

    The only thing that makes me happy is thinking about when I'll be dead (no pain) and reading about it online...there is something wrong with me I think.

    I live in Australia. I have applied for disability but I wont get it - my doctor thinks I will be 'over it' in 3 months (LMFAO). So basically I have to look for work while feeling like I want to be dead (and possibly acting on it). But no one will hire me anyway since I have had to take so much time off to be a full time carer for my sister :(

    Perhaps I was not clear enough. I have had no contact whatsoever with any of my family (except my sister) for many years. I do not exist to them. I don't really mind because my upbringing is a LOT of the reason that I'm in my current state - why my life is so hopeless. My sister moved out and wont even tell me where she moved to LOL. I wil forgive her for this in time (I always forgive her) but not yet.

    Thank you for the welcome and for the advice! I was so worried after I posted the thread that no one would reply. LOL wouldn't that be the ultimate fuck you eh? No reply to a "i want to die" thread LOL.
  6. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    Welcome Janus.

    Im in the same boat as both you, and dreamstar. Loneliness is by far the WORSE emotion to go through. I try as best I can to cope with it. Ive made some great friends here to help me along, and Im sure you will too! You can always pm me, if you need to talk.
  7. Janus

    Janus Member

    My sister came over again today and told me that she's getting the bond (for my rental house) refunded and if I still want to live here I have to pay it again.

    Just when I think things can't get any worse she comes up with another way to fuck me over.

    I'm so over this shit - she has no concern for anyone but herself. I confronted her for being a Christian and also a DAMN LIAR (she lies ALL the time to benefit herself) and all she did was start justifying what she did; as if that makes it okay, ya know?

    I am so tired.
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