My usless life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MHD, Jul 8, 2016.

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  1. MHD

    MHD Member

    I will try to be as short as possible, english isn't my main language so sorry about that.

    First reason why I hate myself is because I'm tall and skinny, this might sound strange to some people, but i hate my shape of the body, I've joined gym recently, but I'm not doing so well for now.
    Second reason is that I don't have friends. I finished primary school i didn't have much friends there, now I go to high school, I will meet new people but I don't really like meeting new friends because I don't trust anyone, well maybe there will be someone who will understand me, maybe, or maybe not. Family isn't perfect either, I don't have siblings, my dad works at night so he is angry sometimes if he doesn't get enough sleep.
    Third reason is that I live in old house, almost farm, I don't even have my own room even tho I'm 15, there is no living room, just kitchen, place with computer where I am right now, toilet and sleeping room.
    Next one, fourth already huh, health. I need to go to opeartion on 22nd of July they will cut out 2 small bumps one on neck and one on leg. I've never had an opeartion so I'm scared a little bit. I've spotted black-purple and red-brown colors on my toenails, I don't know what they are, maybe blood but it doesn't hurt, I will see if it disappears, as the toenail gets bigger it looks like i will be able to cut it off. Whatever I'm also lover of sugar, I don't have diabetis yet but I will maybe get it if i continue like this.
    Last, but not the least about love. Yeah I'm young, but I never felt in love until now, sounds good, but it isn't becuase I'm 99% sure the girl I like will reject me. I know everybody says if you don't try nothing will happen, but she didn't even accept my facebook friend reqeust after weeks of waiting. We don't even know each other much. I really like evrything about her and that gives me even biggest pain when I know I'll just be able to dream to be with her.

    Thanks for listening to my story, I'm still smart enough to not do suicide, but I ask myself a lot of times why I'm even living here. By the way I don't have religion so please don't comment with things such as 'god will help you', 'I pray for you' I just get angry. Thanks again.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you feeling the way your are From your story you feel very isolated and think that no loves you. Love is tricky and never a easy road. Dealing with rejection is hard especially at a young age.

    I am not paint a rosy picture but you learn from each relationship any lessons and try your best at the next relationship. Please go to gym to get into shape and get your self-confidence back. It's not going an overnight success but it takes time to do it.

    We must get you through the operation on the 22nd July. Don't worry now, we are here for YOU. Whatever happens you are among friendship care and understand what you are going through. We will get you through this, so you can be reassured that no longer alone.

    Keep posting as we will can give you all the emotional support you truly deserve. Take care my friend.
  3. MHD

    MHD Member

    Thanks for answer. About learning from each relationship, well I really like her and I don't want any other girl, even those that are nice and friends says 'uh look at this one' seems nothing to me. So if i get rejected this time I can start thinking about suicide techniques. If I do nothing, then I will live boring life with just 2 reasons to live (1. because I was born, 2. because I haven't died yet) :(
    I'm registered in gym for 2 years, so I can't quit which is good because I probably would. My motivation is bad so I'm not so good there. Nobody really cares if I'm going to gym or not, not even me, It can't fix my uglyness ;(
    Life's hard.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I was diangosed with diabetes type 2 in March of this year, one of my previous user names on this site was coca cola, i was addicted to it, drank like 4 litres a day, i know diet drinks are bad too but not as bad as the full sugary ones. Trust me you do not want to have to take medications every single day and try and get blood sugar under control. Please quit the sugar, you might thank me one day for saying that lol :)
    iam likes this.
  5. MHD

    MHD Member

    Yeah thanks, I saw many videos about it, cutting off legs and stuff. It's ironic that I write this while drinking ice tea. 4 liters? I don't drink that much and coca cola contains a lot of sugar as far as i know. I don't know what else to eat. I can eat like potato, meat, rice, these normal things but then I always want a little bit of sugar. At least I'm active because I'm in gym at least 3 times a week. Thanks for your story.
  6. MHD

    MHD Member

    Tomorrow is my surgery, anyone knows how it will go? Will it hurt a lot? And how long will I be there?
  7. Torque

    Torque New Member

    1. Believe or not, camera loves skinny people! Look that as opportunity and adventage! :)
    2. You dont trust people? Its ok, you dont have to trust anybody, just try to respect everybody and feel good in company, if somebody feels untrusted to you, its probably true.
    3. Idk, tell was operation hurted to us cos you will probably finish it when you read this
    4. You must first meet somebody worthy of your love to you fall in love! You can talk with girls? you can make them laugh? You are safe! You will find love, just have patience!
  8. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    How I can relate.....
    I was the tall skinny guy in school. 6' 90#. Looked very sickly to most but was very active.
    I took part in most of the school sports and had access to the weight room. Working out didn't help me.
    I had crushes of the girls but was very shy. I learned card tricks, a few chords on guitar and made myself different from the other guys. I didn't swear or spit. I practiced chivalry. The gals noticed this and I had an abundance of dates in my senior year.
    I was still ultra skinny in my late 20's & was very tired of the skinny jokes. I found that diet along with 3 times a week work out was they key. Within 2 years I bulked out to 180 pounds with just 2% body fat. Today, at age 57, I am still
    180 pounds and in shape.
    Try learning quotes from popular tunes. I still use quotes from country tunes today & the ladies love it!
    Good luck.
  9. MHD

    MHD Member

    Thanks for your story, getting weight is one of my problems but it's not so big problem I guess, the plan is to eat more. My biggest problem is that I'm very alone, I could count how many words I say per day. I don't have siblings or anyone, nor friends and ofc not girlfriend. I just wait for day to end then I woke up and repeat. Nothing interesting, nothing worth living. I like tricks, but I perform them bad as I'm not sociable person. I don't play any instrument, but I do play chess, well mostly watch videos from grandmasters because I don't have anyone to play with except online strangers. Thanks anyway.
  10. MHD

    MHD Member

    Because of my stupid country my operation will be done within next months... They are very slow. I don't care if camer loves skinny people I don't love camera, I don't even like taking photos.
    About girls. I never head a girl friend (i don't mean girlfriend but friend that would be girl). I don't understand them I don't know what they want and what not. I can't talk to girls because I don't know any. I don't know what makes them laugh, my humor is probably much diffrent than theirs. But that doesn't matter because i won't find love, i mean i will never be loved. I just need to accept that. I appreciate your comment.
  11. mapdell

    mapdell New Member

    I can relate to this
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