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My vow to kill myself in 1984 (36 later later . . . )

#1
In 1984, I made a vow to myself after a failed suicide attempt, I gave myself ten years to kill myself. Its 2020, so that vow never happened but I live my life thinking that I will eventually kill myself. I wont take that job because Im going to kill myself, Im not going to work out because I will eventually kill myself. Topic, after topic, the underlying thought in my mindis that I will kill myself. (My last attempt was in 1989) so there's no reason for me to think it will happen but I still hang on to it and I sabotage myself.

I need an 'a ha' moment perhaps that will get me out of this mindset that suicide is an eventuality for me and help me to live my life without that thought. Its ruined my life. (Ive allowed it to ruin my life)

I deal with continual suicide thinking, fyi

Thank you
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hey there, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you did not go through with your vow. I'm so sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long, it must feel dreadful. I can't even imagine suffering for that long, it must be hell.

Hmm..continual suicidal ideation, have you had any counselling? Are you being medicated? A diagnosis?

If anything...what is it that holds you back from going through with it, I'm just trying to understand where your mind is at,

I'm glad you joined and posted, well done and a warm welcome to the SF family. *grouphug2
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
welcome to SF we are a peer community that cares but we never judge. please look at the different forums or you can go to chat if you prefer real time.

i'm sorry that you are still suffering and i'll agree with @Champagne i'm glad you were able to survive past your deadline. and i know how it feals to have those suicidal thoughts in your head. try to get away from suicidal thinking. changing the way you feel about things is possible. try to think how to make it next year 5 years from now etc. try hard to think about living and not about suicide,
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
I actually completely understand this mindset. It occurred to me at one point that if I wasn't going to kill myself - because it'd been so so so long - that I better get the hell on to living my life.
I don't know that there's any practical advice for that, right? But clearly you don't want to die. You want things to get better for yourself. You are the only one that can make that happen. And it takes time... Which sucks. But all those little steps add up so if you do something today (right now!) to improve your life then do something else in a few more days and something next week... All that shit adds up until before you know it upbeat become a much happier person.
 

Walker

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#7
I do love that article too @Champagne I often refer people off to it also. It sounds aggressive to some when first hearing it at times but I think the message sinks in better over a couple of days off it's allowed to. Thanks for sharing it.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#8
I do love that article too @Champagne I often refer people off to it also. It sounds aggressive to some when first hearing it at times but I think the message sinks in better over a couple of days off it's allowed to. Thanks for sharing it.
I have read it about 50 plus times, I read it when I feel I'm not getting anywhere and it puts things into perspective for me, it is a brilliant well written solid piece of advice and a coping mechanism - it has really helped me and I too refer it to people all the time. Yeah, it can be intimidating when first reading it, then it sinks it, glad you have referred others to it too, its awesome. *thumbsup
 
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KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#9
Hello and welcome here. I know that I have thought about method, jigai as such and others. Please stick around and hopefully you will find some here who will make you want to stay here.
 
#10
Hey there, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you did not go through with your vow. I'm so sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long, it must feel dreadful. I can't even imagine suffering for that long, it must be hell.

Hmm..continual suicidal ideation, have you had any counselling? Are you being medicated? A diagnosis?

If anything...what is it that holds you back from going through with it, I'm just trying to understand where your mind is at,

I'm glad you joined and posted, well done and a warm welcome to the SF family. *grouphug2
Hi, Its 5 pm and I was in bed until 430 pm. Sometimes that is usual for me, other times it is not.
I have had counseling as long as I was diagnosed with depression in 1978. If I didnt have a psychiatrist and seeing them, I was probably on waiting list to see someone else. I have seen therapists for many years. In the past 10 years, I have seen three.

I have been on every type of anti depressant you could name. But I hadnt been on St. Johns Wort. So I tried that but I dont think it is helping. I have had three psychiatrist say to me "Youve been on everything, there's nothing to suggest" and I usually go on a drug that I have been on before.

I have had shock therapy twice (6 sessions) one time and 12 sessions another time. I saw everyone else feeling better because of ECT but I didnt.

I see my therapist not often now. She will be calling me 2 months after the last time she called me. I see my GP tomorrow and I told him last time I wasnt happy with the infrequency I 'see' (due to covid). He said he would write her. She knows Im not happy but she sees so many people, she can not see me more than she does.

The last three times Ive seen my GP, I chickened out and didnt tell him about chronic suicidal thinking. Im going to tell him tomorrow (and maybe that I joined a suicide forum)

Thanks
 
#12
I actually completely understand this mindset. It occurred to me at one point that if I wasn't going to kill myself - because it'd been so so so long - that I better get the hell on to living my life.
I don't know that there's any practical advice for that, right? But clearly you don't want to die. You want things to get better for yourself. You are the only one that can make that happen. And it takes time... Which sucks. But all those little steps add up so if you do something today (right now!) to improve your life then do something else in a few more days and something next week... All that shit adds up until before you know it upbeat become a much happier person.
The only think I can think of is to try to get through the day BUT I think about the week, the month, the year as well.
I fell beyond help and I have tried self help and it feels like nothing helps. Gratitude, mindfulness, (I havent done) meditation, etc. I feel like it works for everyone else but me
 
#13
I do love that article too @Champagne I often refer people off to it also. It sounds aggressive to some when first hearing it at times but I think the message sinks in better over a couple of days off it's allowed to. Thanks for sharing it.
Thanks for the link. My mind is so messed up that I cant think of the "thought" if I tried. Again, I dont feel like it will help me, but thank you

Thank you for the other posters who posted after this
 
#14
The vow has controlled my life. It is always what I think about.

How to I get beynd that point when I truly believe I realized about myself that Im not comfortable in the skin that Im in. I see my doctor on Tuesday)

I feel so lousy and I think what the hell am I going to do?
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#15
Hey again, @Walker 's post reminded me of an article on the home page that may help you build up those small changes into bigger ones and how you can progress, take 5 minutes out of your day to read it and you'll feel better I think.

Its here;

https://www.suicideforum.com/2018/04/30/making-tomorrow-better-by-doing-something-today/
I read the article and it is really good. I have been doing this for years without knowing it. The little things in my life is what makes life worth living; the big things suck. I am helping a friend today replace some drawer slides in his kitchen; I have been working on finding a drawer slide off and on for months (one that will work). At one time I ordered one slide and the company charged me for 10 of them, overdrafting my bank account and costing me $38 plus the $150 they charged me; it was a depressant; I spent several weeks trying to iron out the problem and it ended up costing me the $38 overdraft fee. Today In a little bit I will get everything together, tools, screws, screwdriver bits, cordless drill. and will see if the slide works. This is a small thing for me and yet tomorrow I will think back on it and feel warm inside because I am working on helping someone. Yesterday my friend and roommate said he was going on a trip to Missouri with a friend to bury her husband's ashes. Her husband was a good friend to my roommate. He mentioned that he thought about buying a duffle bag but thought it would be an overnight trip so he didn't. Yesterday he found out it would be 2-3 days. This morning I dug out my duffle bag and asked him if he wanted to use it. He was ecstatic. I will think about this all day; it will be a warm fuzzy feeling all day today knowing that I helped someone.

@M1thousand your brain does not function "normally". I am glad you have not ended your life and are here talking to us instead, searching for ways to make it better. It is possible you will have to deal with this your whole life. You have made it this far one day at a time and can probably continue as you are for years to come. It may not get better.

I would suggest finding little things in life that give you pleasure. Try to have some pleasure every day that you can think about and say "That was good". I enjoy a beer and some whiskey every day, not too much, and that is some pleasure in my life. If you are artistic you could draw or paint, or learn how to do that on YouTube. Perhaps putting a puzzle together is your thing. Getting out and finding one good friend you can talk to helps a lot. Perhaps a bird feeder. Maybe whittling or carving.

I would suggest finding one thing in life that gives you pleasure. Picture the devil on one shoulder telling you your life is worthless and the angel on the other shoulder can reply with "No it isn't I have this thing." Taking one day at a time, making a list of the things you want to do today is very helpful.

Again I am very glad you are still looking for ways to make your life better; that is a great sign. I care about you and hope you can make it through this tough time.
 
#16
MosesY
Thank you for your comments.
I saw a girl on Oprah painting and I have been doing that. Its not artistic painting but rather throwing paint onto a canvas but Im getting surrounded by canvases.
 
#17
I saw my GP and I told him that I had constant suicidal thoughts. I thought he might have some advice via, one of his other patients, how I could change my thinking.
I arrived home to a phone message from the director of the Mental Health center who said she was calling because my doctor said I was feeling sucidal. Thats not quite right and I think maybe I freaked him out because I said "I imagined how he might react" had it happened.
I see him in two weeks and will speak to him then that I am not actively suicidal, but seeking relief from the passive suicidal thoughts.
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#18
Perhaps you're waiting for something to happen that'll be "bad enough" for you to finally want to do it. I think that's what a lot of us are waiting for. But eventually, many of us come to realize that we're more resilient than we thought.
 

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