My vow.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Menchi, Sep 12, 2009.

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  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Time is almost up.
    I gave myself 18 days, to live out, take the best of life i could, before ending it.
    And in that 18 days, i may not have done everything i wanted, but freer from the burden of wanting to kill myself, i managed to do a lot.
    Some days were just regular enough days, and i wont pretend that they were free of pain. I self harmed once mildly, and once seriously in that time.
    I had a few of the best days i have ever lived, big days, and small days, but also had the worst day i had experienced in years.
    I had the biggest night out ever, with so many people i never even knew, and instead of stressed and scared, i managed not only to live through it, but to have a great time.
    I have felt new highs in my relationship with my girlfriend, but plummeted harder than i knew i could.
    And most importantly of all, Bambi, who has already done more for me than i could ever put into words, has managed to do the impossible and start me thinking in different ways about what i do and who i am.
    So for her, for my girlfriend, and her family who i am staying with. For my mother and my brother back home. For my friends at work, and those i have not seen in over a year back home. For each person on here i have talked to, who has been there for me, who i have tried to help, or who i have just randomly chatted to, and for those who i have not met.
    Time is up.
    It is time for Death.
    Death to suicide, death to the notion that i have to end it all this day, or any day.
    I will NOT die.
    From this day on, i will live. I will take the highs, and the lows. I will do my best, and while not take every opportunity, take those that i can. I will have my lows, i will fall, and i will probably hurt myself too some times.
    I will NOT die.
    I cannot take away the feeling of wanting to commit suicide. That is why i post now, in here, because i still feel it. I am still struggling. My nature is to say that i set this time, and i should stick to it.
    I will NOT die.
    I cannot end the feelings, but i make this choice, right here, right now, for everyone to see.
    I will NOT die.
    I will NOT try to kill myself.
    I will still feel like i should, for now, i cannot be rid of that pain so easily.
    But... i will not die. Not this day, nor the next, nor any day will i choose to relinquish life.
    This i vow.

    And this may be odd, but i ask any who read this, to reply with, if nothing else, their screen name. I mean to write a list of every single person that this vow is for, so each time i feel suicidal, instead of considering death, i shall read each and every name on the list, for those who i have chosen to live for.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so glad you chose life!!!
    *hugs* Here if you need anything.
  3. whiskeylullaby

    whiskeylullaby Well-Known Member

    pretty amazing to read :hug:
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    It is my vow too now.

    Thank you my friend!

    Love Bambi

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    BRAVO we are all very proud of you.
    im glad that you stepped out of your box and experianced things. felt differantly and most of all have a new mindset on your life.

    well done. made my day.

  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    That's a powerful piece of writing Menchi and inspiring too. Good one.

    And I'm glad, because I'd miss reading your diary!

  7. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Its just what i have to do now. No way is it going to be easy, but i AM going to do this. I need to make these changes so i'm no longer a victim to those feelings. I'll fill the space in myself where that was with every single person that i have to live for, and hopefully it will be a start to change everything. I hope to be able to one day write a post like this about self-harm... i don't think i'm ready for it yet, but thats the next aim.

    Thank you everyone who has replied so far :)
  8. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    :) Thats great to hear menchi.
    That is quite powerful.
  9. voices_inmy_head

    voices_inmy_head Well-Known Member

    This is amazing! Just utterly amazing to read :hug:
  10. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

  11. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Good for you :)
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It took a lifetime to get where you are today, yet you only give it 18 days to change. Healing is extremely difficult and there can be no timeline placed on it. When you are feeling remember the good days you had. You know what they feel like and they can happen again. They can become the norm if you let them and give yourself the time to get there. Don't forget the most important person to live for. YOU. :hug:
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