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My whole life I've been alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mynameisbrian, Mar 31, 2013.

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  1. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    I can't even articulate my thoughts or my situation. I don't know what or how to say anything.

    I'm tired of asking for help because I hate everything that comes out of my mouth. I despise every word and sentiment I'm using right now. I'm tired of hearing my family saying they love me. No matter how many times I hear it or in what way it's said, I can't believe it, feel it, or believe I deserve it.

    I've never had a real friend in my entire life. I'm 22 years old. I thought I met a friend on the internet recently, but the connection was an illusion, and of course, I ruined whatever it was. I'm not capable of connecting with the world, and that's all I want. I'm capable of self-absorbed happiness, but not capable of real love or connection.

    Today I didn't do it I wasn't sure it'd succeed and I'm scared. I just wanted to leave everyone alone and not be asked "what's wrong" and get undeserved attention on easter day because I couldn't hide it anymore. I took a cell phone and called a hotline, and everything seemed so cold and meaningless. I didn't feel any warmth on the other end, just "promise me you won't". Like she was following a check-list or her training exactly.

    No humanity. That's all I want. I never feel it. I don't think I'll get it from this making a thread on a forum or reading text on bright screen. Only coldness and isolation that doesn't end.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i hear you I too did not think i could find connection to friends or to people who truly cared. i was so alone hun so desperate but in coming here i found i was not alone anymore.
    You can speak your thoughts here and not be judged by anyone hun. You are 22 you have so much time ahead of you time to develop friends to get therapy to help you with issues you have You will find connections hun you will it took me awhile but it happened. I hope you continue to talk to us ok let us get to know you better hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Connections and friendships can be made here... I didn't think it was possible when I first joined, but I found out quickly that I was wrong. I hope you'll keep posting so we can get to know you, and so you can possibly connect with other members.
  4. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    I don't know what to say...my mind so scattered.

    You're kindness is too much...I feel so strongly that I don't deserve it. I wish I could just say "thank you" and be appreciative of your compassion....I want to feel comforted by it and be as kind to you as you were to me...I just feel empty.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do deserve kindness and compassion. I know it's not as easy as someone telling you that, and you automatically believing it. Our minds don't exactly work that way. But I hope you'll at least try to believe it because it's the truth.
  6. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    This is a very strange reply (this reply, not what you wrote), and I'll probably regret thinking out loud like this...but it's what's on my mind.

    I believe we create our own meaning...and I have just lost the will to find significance in anything. Your words just seem like a collection of letters to me. I feel completely out of touch with everyone and everything. Completely alone.

    I'm sorry for being so difficult.
  7. ben1993

    ben1993 Member

    Hey Brian,
    If you want a true real friend, I am here if u want to talk! :)
  8. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    You're very kind.

    I'd feel guilty if I did that. The kindest thing I could do is spare the world of myself as much as possible. Stay out of everyone's way. Don't get too close or say much. Minimize harm to myself and everyone around me.

    That's one reason why I am so alone, and it's a choice most of the time. I know I'm contradicting my want of connection by saying that, but that's how I feel.

    I try to be a kind person, I've tried to be so giving and kind...but I'm not a very good person or a good friend.
  9. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I too believe we create our own meaning. I know that I also slowly made a life it felt impossible to change. Very slowly after finding this site I have started the slow journey out. Took ages to start, to even hope. But I did. You can to.
  10. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    I definitely understand where you coming from Im a lonely person myself, i spent years with rarely anyone apart from online and my parents to talk to. Im not sure if this has has already been discussed, but why don't you consider joining groups and clubs in your local area. I am sure there's a lot going in your town.
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this way...you surely deserve our caring and more...you say you are not a good person...to me, it sounds like you are a good person who is thoughtful but does not consider his worth...many of us have had a rupture in being able to see our value; that does not mean it does not exist...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...many of us can relate to what you have said...and you are not being difficult at all...you are in pain and that changes how we perceive all of our world...with caring and understanding
  12. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    thank you. I'm sorry you're so lonely. I hope you aren't as lonely now as you have been.

    I lost my friend...I'm heartbroken and hopeless. I can't type this without putting my head in my hands and feeling pain...

    We both had our problems, but we supported each other and learned to see the positive in things. We tried to make each other smile. She was the only person I've ever really known...she said she had to move on from our friendship as she was trying to move on in her life. I thought we were both moving on...I didn't think I was holding her down...I was being so positive and supportive....this came out of nowhere.

    She just cut off contact from me, said she won't reply if I reply back to her, said I was a sweet, caring and normal person who just has had problems in his life and that it wasn't my fault. It obviously was. I feel worthless.

    I thought we were friends...I thought she cared about me and that I was there for her enough. I don't have anyone.

    I joined I group before...I didn't have anything to offer. I'm too egocentric and wrapped up in my problems to be normal or just have a casual conversation. I always feel better about myself (which isn't saying I feel good) if I just keep my mouth shut and be self-absorbed only in my head.

    I feel so pathetic and I'm in so much pain. Just laying in bed is torture.

    thank you..
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