I can't even articulate my thoughts or my situation. I don't know what or how to say anything. I'm tired of asking for help because I hate everything that comes out of my mouth. I despise every word and sentiment I'm using right now. I'm tired of hearing my family saying they love me. No matter how many times I hear it or in what way it's said, I can't believe it, feel it, or believe I deserve it. I've never had a real friend in my entire life. I'm 22 years old. I thought I met a friend on the internet recently, but the connection was an illusion, and of course, I ruined whatever it was. I'm not capable of connecting with the world, and that's all I want. I'm capable of self-absorbed happiness, but not capable of real love or connection. Today I didn't do it I wasn't sure it'd succeed and I'm scared. I just wanted to leave everyone alone and not be asked "what's wrong" and get undeserved attention on easter day because I couldn't hide it anymore. I took a cell phone and called a hotline, and everything seemed so cold and meaningless. I didn't feel any warmth on the other end, just "promise me you won't". Like she was following a check-list or her training exactly. No humanity. That's all I want. I never feel it. I don't think I'll get it from this making a thread on a forum or reading text on bright screen. Only coldness and isolation that doesn't end.