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My wife and I... and...

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Straight up: I don't plan to kill myself, and I really don't see my self doing so out-of-the-blue. OTOH, I hurt enough that I'm having suicidal ideation. I've been feeling this way for a year or so, and it's getting worse. So I figured that I should maybe do something like talk about it. Since I'm not looking to suicide, I'm not sure if I should be posting this here or in the emotional support threads, or somewhere else.

Synopsis: I'm a codependent (I seek to please, to avoid getting yelled at, to make life good for another/others, etc.). My wife I'll call "Poly" here (not "Polly"; it makes sense, you'll see why), to avoid real-name use.

I know that talking helps, but I can't really talk at work, talking with the therapist didn't really get anywhere (and it upset my wife because I was talking with a stranger about our problems... so this forum's probably not a good idea--and I'm here anyway; bad idea), and talking with some friends ("R" and "G") didn't go so well (my wife says that "R" [they're a couple, and "R" is a woman] just wants us to break up).

When "Poly" and I first met (5 years back, in the fall of 2006), we'd each been at the end of our respective marriages. My 1st wife (together 19 years, married for 13 of them) had been cheating (we had had an open marriage, but there were rules, and she was breaking them), lying to and about me, telling me stories and that I was crazy and out of control (though nobody else ever said anything like that, even when I asked--because I believed her, and always had, implicitly, about anything), and a world of other stuff. When "Poly" and I met, my 1st wife had already moved into one of her boyfriend's places (it was about a year after that that our divorce was finalized, and my daughter believed my ex's stories, and so thinks that I drove my ex away). "Poly" said that she was polyamorous and fell in love easily--which was ok with me, since we didn't really know each other at the time, and I had no long term plans about anything really (except for really general one like keeping my career intact somehow, etc.). I'd swear that I had said that I had done open, so guessed that I could do poly, but wasn't sure--last summer, she said that I'd never said that. (What could I do? Maybe I only thought it? OTOH, I'd been saying for a long time that I had said so when we'd first met, and she'd never said in all of that time that I hadn't said so--so why wait 'til last summer to contradict me?)

Her marriage was poly/open/something (her husband wasn't poly, just open, so I don't know how to name that). They wanted different things in life (she: kids & poly; he: not kids & monogamy). We hooked up with one another for a while (maybe Sep - Nov), and by about Oct/Nov '06 I had asked her if she would marry me after our divorces were finalized (which ended up taking another 10 months or so).

In Nov '06, a close friend of hers (practically family) died. Her husband had been away at the time (they'd been living in separate bedrooms for quite a while by then, and he'd said that they could stay married until she'd gotten together enough money to land on her feet after their divorce), and she didn't have any friends living nearby, so I went and got her (with an overnight bag for a few days), and brought her to my place to make sure that she'd be ok until the crisis would have passed. The few days turned into a week or two, and we both liked how things felt like they were going, and her husband was ok with things, so she moved in with me.

The thing is that not too long after we'd first started seeing one another, we'd each felt jealous about the other going to see someone (I'd had dinner with a woman whom I had once been seeing, but who had turned into a good friend; "Poly" had gone to see a "chew toy" [her words, not mine]), and so we'd been monogamous for the year or so before we married.

At some point after we married (that same fall, though), "Poly" asked about maybe seeing other people, doing things. I said that it might be nice, and I'd swear again that she'd said that if I couldn't handle it, then we could not-see other people--last summer, she also said that she'd never said that. (Again: what could I do? Maybe she hadn't?)

Look, all of that's a long story, and it's not the point: since January 2010, "Poly" has dated 7 other guys. When I told her last summer that I couldn't take it, she was furious--she'd been lied to and tricked into marriage again (her 2nd husband had told her that he was fine w/ her being poly before they married, then said that he wasn't after they married).

It wasn't news to her though--I'd been miserable for months, since they'd first met for lunch and made out in the car in the parking lot, we'd been arguing on and off, and she couldn't see why (over 3-4 months of developing angst) I'd wanted to [violent description avoided here] her boyfriend "Ch", or why I'd gone to the coffee shop when they were in bed (at our place), or why (another time, after that) I'd gone outside to the patio and had a smoke (after having quit 2-3 months earlier) while they were in bed (at our place) and I ended up falling asleep in the lawn chair.

She didn't get why I was upset about her breaking rules which we'd established. (There've been a whole bunch of those since then [like "Oops! I didn't know that you meant that that particular sexual act which wasn't ok for me to do with "Ch" was also not-ok for me to do with anyone else either!" (i.e.: after 6 months w/ "Ch", whom she loved & still loves, then it was the new b/f "Jo" & that particular sex-act maybe a week or 2 later), or "Oops! I told so-and-so that I love him, before I told you. My bad."], so a month or so back I said to do whatever she wants, whenever, with whomever--that I don't care, I don't need to know. I don't want to know is more like how I feel, though wishing that it weren't the case to begin with is the most accurate.)

Some rules we'd never explicitly created, but I had never even thought to wonder if they might need to be (yes: my mistake), like "How could you possibly have a problem with my texting you "goodnight", without first discussing with you that I might sleep at "Jo"'s place tonight for the first time ever?"--that "oops" ended up with a huge argument the next night, and "Poly" telling me (ok: screaming and shouting at me) that she's an adult, and can sleep anywhere she wants, and doesn't have to tell me anything, and... etc..

She's been going-to-leave-me about once a month, this past year. It's hurt, it's driven me nuts, I've not cared, I've given up, I've cried my eyes out, I've tried fixing things, I've tried ignoring everything, I've tried pretending that I don't care, I've tried pretending that I'm just fine with her dating other guys & sleeping over at their places, I've tried rules (several times) which she's told me to come up with but still didn't follow.

She says that I don't do anything to help with the house, that I'm always on the computer or reading, so I've stopped those. Until this morning, I've only checked the bank once (or was it twice?) in the past 3 weeks, and used the computer a few days ago to work on some adoption paperwork. I haven't read in 3 weeks.

I give up. Right now, this post is just a bit angry and confused, but most of the time (as when I started writing this) I just feel horrible. "Poly" was going to go on a date with "Pl" yesterday. She met "Pl" online about 5-6 weeks ago, had sex with the 2nd day that they met IRL (~2.5 wks ago), was going to sleepover a few days later (instead, thankfully, she'd decided that she wasn't ready to--and told me that she had said before that she wasn't sure that she'd been going to, which I don't remember). Then last week Thursday (I think?), she says that he did something sexual (don't know what) that day which she'd been ok with his doing an hour before, but when she'd told him no later, he'd done it anyway, though he'd stopped when he'd seen that she was crying. Ok... and then she was going to go on a movie date with him last night? (Presumably w/ dinner involved, since she hadn't eaten by the time that she really should've been leaving, and then called it off because of period cramps & his being cranky & their both being sleep deprived [umm--I get ~6.25 hours of sleep/night, so I really don't care, honestly]. Then again, if the movie had been going to start at some time after 8, and she would have been leaving here at around 7, w/ ~25 min travel time to his area, that doesn't leave time for dinner before-hand, and she's diabetic & has been working out & very careful about what/when she eats... that doesn't add up. There wouldn't have been time for dinner, and she's not the sort to not eat when she should, so now I'm wondering if there was even a movie in the plan in the first place.).

At least that's better than the last guy: "Jk". She said that they'd met online about 2 years ago (I guess so, don't know, can't say). Feb-Mar this year we hadn't had sex for 10 weeks, and she went to "hang out" with him. Surprise: they had sex (you didn't see that one coming, right?). She didn't see why I was p*ssed off, said that she'd been trying to have sex with me (umm, no?), and had figured that if she wasn't getting it from me then she might as well get it from someone else. Meh, at least she dumped him a week or 2 later because she said that he wanted to get between us, and he doesn't like dogs. (Note: the other day, she did say in an I.M. w/ me that she probably shouldn't have gone to see him when we hadn't had sex in 10 weeks.)

Before that, there was "Tr", which didn't get anywhere because apparently he was trying to do more than his wife was ok with his doing yet.

And for New Year, an old ex-b/f from her teens suddenly surfaced claiming that her 1st husband had been lying to her, to keep them apart. So she was all confused and upset and trying to decide whether to stay with me or leave for him.

I took vacation this week to clean up the house for the home study. I should be mowing the lawn right now, but I had to talk to someone. "Poly" was up 'til some time after 5 am last night (/this morning), talking to a friend who's grandmother died last week (he needs the emotional support pretty badly--she was the only one in his family whom he was close w/), so she's still asleep (it's 10 am, now), so I figured that if she got to bed 5/5:30, then I need to be quiet and let her sleep (i.e.: not mow the lawn). I wasn't even thinking of the computer, but then I found myself on it, Googling "suicidal thoughts".

I mean, the thoughts aren't surprising. I get those (I'm avoiding the details here, so that I don't get this post blocked). But that I should find myself Googling about what to do (though I already know what to do anyway, so why Google it?), and practically of my hands' own volition, that was a bit weird. I trolled the results for something, I don't know what. I saw a forum, a Wiki, the Mayo Clinic, etc.. Finally I simply decided that I needed to talk to someone, so here I am.

Am I the only one who sees a million wrong-fitting pieces here?

I always feel like I'm insane, like I'm doing something horribly wrong, but having written all of this, I swear it looks like "Poly" has some issues. Then again, I can hardly talk: if what I'm saying isn't missing a whole bunch of causal problems on my part, then only someone with some serious issues would put up with this in the first place (maybe I would still have to have some serious issues to put up with it, even if I were the direct cause of this craziness).

I started this post depressed and feeling as low and miserable as I do kind of all-day-every-day. Right now I'm a bit ticked off. Problem is, it'll subside in 5 minutes, and I'll be back to simply hurting, wishing that things would change, praying for her to suddenly become monogamous (or me to magically become polyamorous, or something)--and I'm not even religious, I'm agnostic (not atheist: I accept that there might be a god or gods, I just don't assume that there is/are).

Most of the time, I just wish that someone would prescribe me some drugs, so that I could go through life like a zombie, or chipper and perky in any context, or at least in a better mood most of the time.

I don't want to leave her, I can't stand living this way, I don't think that things will change, I don't think that things as they are are a good situation to adopt kids into, I etc....

I already know these things, but that doesn't change anything, doesn't help anything. And I feel like sh*t for not doing anything about it. When I've tried, nothing matters--either it does nothing, or "Poly" is miserable/upset/angry/something about not being herself, my lying to her (but I didn't!) & tricking her into marriage (I also didn't!), in a foul mood, argumentative, and finally either she goes off to see someone new on her own, or I give up and tell her to / or that it's ok to / or something... and then there's probably some whole brand new "oops!".

And I swear that she actually looks to start arguments with me before going on a date. I've stopped reacting to things she says, just so that we won't argue beforehand. Honestly, I swear that she is, and that she does it in order to justify her having an "oops!".

And don't even ask about couples-therapy. We tried that once, for a session or two (maybe even 3 or 4?). That got nowhere. It's not like we told the therapist about the poly-thing (my problem with her being poly, I mean), or a few other things going on, so what could you expect?

I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm sure that I won't kill myself, and I swear that this isn't just a cry for attention, but I also know that I'm just going to let myself be completely depressed (once it sets back in), rather than do anything about anything.



Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
I'm lost for words :ohmy: which, as anyone will tell you on the forum, is a very very rare event!
Only thing I can say is I wouldnt be able to handle this at all, being a very monogamous person.
No wonder you're angry and upset.

Anyway, :welcome: and I hope you find some comfort here :smile:
Ja, I would think the same thing myself, if I weren't me.

There's more background and a couple of replies and an update (wow, what a great day I'm having... not) at my welcome/intro post, but I don't really want to take up space with a double-post, so I'll just throw in the URL here as a quick-ref: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?p=1134579&posted=1#post1134579

I'd say that you'd be surprised what you can live through... but that might be a bit redundant here. :)

I'm just glad that I can talk to someone (plural), without having to worry about anyone taking things out of context, or blowing them out of proportion (ideation isn't compulsive compliance, no matter how much it can feel like such a total imperative sometimes... or a wandering easy-slide, whispering and beckoning), or "Poly" being angry about it (hmm; I'm doing something which I shouldn't: I'm posting all of this here, and I haven't told her that I'm pouring out my guts to the internet... that's not right, but I need to talk, but-but I haven't asked her about a suicide forum or anything, but-but-but if I did then I'm certain that we'd just talk about a few things for a couple of hours and I'd never get anywhere with talking to anyone else and nothing would ever change [not that this actually changes things, as such, but god it feels so good to just get it out, at least! {which reminds me that there are so many things that I didn't post in this thread, and clarifications, and little corrections... but I don't think that I ever will--the point was more to say it at all, than it was to file a comprehensive, accurate report to the 10th decimal place.}]).

The thing is, we've all had something happen at some point in our lives, right? I mean the whole world, not just everyone here at SF (and thank you for listening, BTW). Ok, well, my childhood was somewhere between +1 and -1, just like everyone else's (I'd complain, but I'm mostly over that, just neglect issues, and some OCD stuff)--but it still left me with the ability to cope just like everyone else (except that, obviously, I'm tired of coping, and just want all the shit to be over with already, and to live a happy life).

That being said: I'm a talker, too (you hadn't noticed, right?), so I know the wow-factor of being left speechless. That's... kinda wow. So maybe I'm not nuts (I mean, not in this respect, anyway).

I'm monogamous, but I had a profile at an online dating site for a few years (and a few other dating sites here and there for short periods). I had started it back when I was still with my ex-, and it was a fun site. I liked it, even though I never got anywhere with anyone. I had been going to get rid of my profile a ways back, but "Poly" talked me out of it... I finally did get rid of it a few weeks ago. I don't want anyone else. Besides, all of this open/poly/etc. stuff with me started 16.5 years ago, after so many times of my ex- cheating, and I had just then started my career, and was going to be likely to be travelling quite a bit, so I'd told her that she shouldn't have to be lonely and stuff while I was gone... Sure, ok, it had (for a while there) worked well enough (though maybe not so terribly well, obviously), but it wasn't what I would have chosen were my path in life otherwise. And when "Poly" and I got together, I thought that I could handle a poly relationship (probably), since I had already done open. No, I can't, obviously, but then: that's the whole problem.

I wonder what other people feel like in poly relationships--I mean actual poly people themselves, not monos who are with a poly. I'm sure that "Poly" isn't trying to hurt me intentionally, but I'm also sure that this can't possibly be considered normal and acceptable to most poly people, can it?
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