My Wife Has Inhibited Sexual Desire

[Crash106]

My wife of 30 years was traumatized by a cousin groping her when she was a young teen. It scared her. Okay. I get that. But he groped her once, about 40 years ago! She called her daddy and he came and got her right away.

• Why is 30 years with a loving husband not enough to make up for that one bad "sexual" experience?
• Why am I still shut out and cut off from having sex with the woman I love when I did nothing wrong?

This is not fair to me. Thirty years versus five minutes. It's just not fair.

In high school, when I was a freshman, I had my assets kicked by the school soccer star (a senior). He thought I was fooling around with his girl friend. He was a pretty dim bulb, since I didn't even know who he was (before the beating), and had never once met his precious girl friend. The guy had about 80 pounds on me and hit me when I wasn't looking. He beat me unconscious. Literally. He beat me till I was completely unable to fight back because I had blacked out!!!!!!!!!! But I don't fear being around other men. I don't let that beating into our bedroom.

I was beaten unconscious. She was groped. Why can't she move on?

 

[poisonedresistance]

Different experiences mean different things to people. it sounds as though She could maybe have clung this and it has developed into a fear of sorts. small things when we are young can turn into huge problems when we are older if they are not dealt with. perhaps she should seek counciling or therapy for this. Being supportive and understanding helps as i imagine you have over 30 years,, but you must encourage her to deal with this issue.

 

[dazzle11215]

check out this book - allies in healing -
http://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834
it may answer many of your questions

 

[Terry]

sounds like some sexual therapy would help here, if you can get her to go.
basically they take full on sex out of the equation and get you (as a couple) to do relaxation stuff together, then gradually increase the sexual activity.

Sounds like she's become phobic about the bedroom stuff, this could help her to relax enough to not feel threatened.

 

[dazzle11215]

i just wanted to add, even though it was one incident, for a child that can be overwhelming. abuse of any kind, including groping, can destroy your sense of trust in the world. you don't feel safe. if she never dealt with this in therapy you can stay frozen at the moment it happened. i don't know if she's had therapy to deal with this, but if not i strongly encourage it.

 

[Madam Mim]

Personlly, I can totally understand her reluctance for intimacy. It was her cousin, someone she should have been able to trust, who betrayed her in the most personal way. Ok, so it was 'just' a grope, but that's not the point for a young girl, who still felt that she's been violated.

And yes, it was a long time ago, but every single time things get intimate with you, the memories flood back. Rationally, she knows that she loves you, that you're her husband, not her cousin, and that you won't hurt her. But the fear and shame she was caused when so young cut through her rational thought and take over.

As others have said, she needs to deal with this, in therapy. It's nothing for her to be ashamed of. She was the one treated badly, and she owes it to herself and her husband to deal with it and try to move on.

Mim