I only know because I hacked her computer. I didn't even do it for that. I did it to find out why her best friend needed to borrow some antidepressants (I didn't find out). We're divorcing collaboratively, which in the U.S. means we have our respective attorneys and we'll work out everything in the settlement before filing for divorce in the court. If we can't work it out though, we have to fire our attorneys and start over. We would also have to fire our financial advisor, child specialist and divorce coach we have hired, and no one on the team would be able to be called to be called upon to testify. So despite all this touchy-feely openness and honesty in the process, she goes and e-mails these people to make me sound like a total asshole who's so mentally ill and stupid it's amazing he can feed and clothe himself. She even invented a few diagnoses and said they had come from the VA. And she did this because she's "concerned" I'm not competent to be a father and she should just get our son and child support. But it doesn't even fucking matter if she gets them on her side (and she has -- I read their responses) because they have no power and can't even make recommendations. Their only role is to help us work out or differences and reach a settlement. I don't understand why she would do something so hurtful. Yes, I have mental health problems, but I take care of myself and I've been a great dad. He's my world. I'm only alive for him and I would kill myself the moment she managed to take him from me. And she is totally batshit. She verbally abused and demeaned me for years and we're only divorcing because I started wellbutrin and finally said "no more." She fantasizes about how evil, manipulative and stupid I am and comes to believe her fantasies. I bet she even believes the lies she put in her e-mail. She's lost her grip with reality. I know for a fact she has narcissistic personality disorder but will never seek diagnosis or treatment because, well, she has narcissistic personality disorder. But she knows how to pretend to be so fucking sweet for other people that they'd never guess her cruelty. Actually her even being a mom for our son 50% of the time scares the hell out of me but I know I'd never get more. As I said in the long run this means nothing because nothing happens in the settlement I don't agree to. That's what a settlement is. It does show me where she is at though and signals that she might drop the collaborative process and try to just rape me in court. She was fantasizing with her friend about if only she could get me to hit her she could brand me an abuser. She wouldn't even need evidence, though. That's how family court goes. The woman has all the power. The man is guilty until proven innocent, and in some cases even then he's still guilty. Her plan is to take our son and extort child support for me (isn't that meant for deadbeat dads who don't want to support their kids?) so she can afford the house, which I can afford with or without her. And she probably can't even afford it if she did somehow get child support. We ran the budgets with the financial advisor. Not with child support, but she'd get about $400 a month from me and she's $700 too poor to afford the house. Never mind that anyway, because federal law protects VA disability compensation from child or spousal support in divorce, so she wouldn't get a penny anyway. But apparently her attorney doesn't know that because she was running the numbers for her. Oh and she wrote my physical disability also disqualifies me as a father. So there's no depth she won't stoop to. We were getting along so well. We're still living together for the sake of the kid and not having any fights. We just stay out of each other's way. I didn't know she still had such blackness in her heart and hatred for me. It's so hurtful to know that she's just secretly plotting to play dirty. So yes I am desperate to kill myself but I can't for my son. I love him so much. He's the most beautiful thing in this world. The only time I am ever happy is when I read stories to him with him on my lap. I feel tears welling in my eyes and I haven't cried since well before my time in the military. If she halts the collaborative divorce and pursues court I don't know how I'll take it. I'd have to persevere, I guess. But it might be too painful for me to live long enough to fight and find out how it turns out. I realize this thread proves her right in a sense, but I am functional. No one knows I want to kill myself or that I'm even upset. My son and I have great times together. He loves me and I love him. She is wrong.