My wife thinks about it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BJ., Oct 15, 2007.

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  1. BJ.

    BJ. Guest

    My wife tells me she is so unhappy with our marriage, see often thinks about killing herself. I'm torn as to what to do. She hasn't left, but seems intent on making me agree with her that divorce is the best for all concerned (me, her and our three teenage kids). I love my wife and hope things will get better. I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, but so far she still blames me for her bad moods/suicidal thoughts. So part of me thinks, well I should agree with her that divorce is best. Oth, I say to myself thats not really it at all. She is suffering from depression and that is the reason she is suicidal. She has recently stopped therapy. If I suggest she go back, she gets mad and says she's already tried, and I need counseling.

    I'm asking the people here if this makes any sense to you. Is it possible that she would stop thinking about suicide if she got a divorce? I'm thinking not. Its been 19 years since I first dated my wife and she has had blue moods from the start. Initially it was a troubled childhood, and now it appears to be a troubled marriage that is making her upset. I'm not sure how to help her. I'm not sure I should even try, as she wants a divorce.

    I love my wife, but I have this feeling that if she was alone, (divorced), she would still be upset/moody/suicidal. And alone, she might more likely go through with it. Any advice would be appreciated. Btw, she has already given up on our marriage, and will not considered marriage counseling.

    BJ
     
  2. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    By saying a divorce would fix things she seems to be blaming everything on you..... sorry. Just another reason I will never get married.
     
  3. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    You might try Invouluntary/Voluntary Commitment. Not the easiest thing to do to your spouse but it might save her for at least a week and give her some time to really think things through. Doctors will assess her and attempt to treat her depression. I dont know how long they might keep her, so this is like a last option alternative. I dont think you're to blame completely. Sure you might leave the seat up or not help cook but that doesnt make for a bad husband. It seems like youre trying and thats all you can do, especially for one who has no more motivation to do anything for themself.

    If she insists you divorce and you take the kids I would defenitely commit her. Because it sounds to me like she's trying to break all the strings holding her back from her deed.

    Just some advice, I dont know if it will help or not, though I hope so because you seem like a good guy.
     
  4. BJ.

    BJ. Guest

    Thanks for the reply. She wants the kids so I don't think things are quite as bad as you showed me it could be. I'm concerned that I'm a good scapegoat at the moment. If we divorced and she was feeling blue, would she hurt herself? And I don't know if I'm a good guy or not. Thats why I doubt that staying together is actually best for her. I do love my wife and am having a hard time coping with the situation. But you doubt yourself when someone is always bringing up your flaws. I don't think I could drink a can of soda properly for her at the moment. Of course she could be really crying for help right? In that case she is begging for help? I'm confused on this point.

    BJ
     
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    IMO the best thing you can do is to go to counseling together. You will be in it with her and be able to hear her thoughts clearly while being able to express your own with a mediator to clarify the situation and offer insight on what to do. I don't think it is a problem with just one of you but with BOTH of you and you need to discuss it together in the presence of a professional. If it doesn't work, then you can decide how to move on from there, but in the interim, I think this is the best thing you can do for your marriage and your children.
     
  6. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I think it isn't you, she is just blaming it all on you. But it is really her depression and what ever else. and you really should not break up before you try to fix it. See a marriage counselor with her. Why does your wife think she will feel happier with another person? She will probably feel bad still imo.
     
  7. BJ.

    BJ. Guest

    Darken, my wife won't go to marriage counseling with me.
     
  8. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Be a good man and adhere to your values. Women appreciate men who are strong that they can't manipulate. Do what you think is right, and she will either leave or not. You can only control your own actions. If you concede to being her whipping boy who will do any and everything just to make her stay, she will lose all respect for you and will definetely be gone.

    In the meantime, you definetely need to see a lawyer. I can't stress this enough. If you think your wife leaving you is bad, think what it will be like if she gains full custody of your kids and ruins you financially. Most divorces are initiated by women, and the way the courts are set up they definetely have an upper hand in divorce proceedings. If she is talking to you about it, it is likely that she has already been to a lawyer. Forget your marriage and think about your kids. Get some legal advice immediately.
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Have you tried telling her to think about what this will do to the kids? If she really cares about them, she has a moral obligation to go with you to counseling so that she can at least say that she has tried everything to save the marriage. Just telling you to go to counseling is not going to fix the problem, it just makes it easier and less uncomfortable for her. I really hope she changes her mind, but if she truly does not want to even TRY, then you can't force her, but it would be a real shame.
     
  10. BJ.

    BJ. Guest

    Anastasia:

    She says she's tried and tried. She challenges me to tell her when in the last 19 years we were happy, outside for the first year we dated. I guess that means she has been unhappy for the last 18 years. I don't recall things being so bad, but she does. Maybe she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. She said she tried her best, I think that means she was trying to make things work by acting one way, while feeling another. Life isn't too good right now. Either my wife doesn't see things rationally, or the last half of my life was a lie. So she refuses to go to marriage counseling. If I try to bring up the kids, she will get defensive and it will start a fight. As things stand right now, she has a tendency to act as if I'm not even here. I think its a coping mechanism. She is really prone to depressive moods. I don't see how to persuade her to do anything like go to counseling for marriage. As for counseling for herself, she will just say she is only sad around me. Away from home she tells me she is another person. Shrug.

    BJ
     
  11. Sasuke

    Sasuke Active Member


    Im sorry to hear this man. Keep trying im sure if you love her enough you will somehow fix it
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2007
  12. immure

    immure Account Closed

    if she is truelly depressed don t get caught in her perseption of things. remind her of good times share with her how you see the past 18 yrs. let her know you don t feel the same but wanna support her in all the right ways.(that doesn t mean what we want all the time. for either parties). ssugest a trial seperation if need be.let her mood not have u as a scape goat. i have been looked in the eye season after season from my ex being told i was the problem and that he never was happy. after the season changes we are always left with alot of regret and damage. the last time has not been as reperable for me. i get what ur goin through. and all i can say is don t let ur head get draged in the mud of depression and its way of looking at life and the people around it.
     
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry to hear that :( I personally think that if the last 18 years have been such "hell" for her, then 6 more months of talking it over with a professional together shouldn't be such a big deal, and it will give you the chance to understand what she is feeling and thinking with the mediation of a professional. This is the approach I would take with her. If she was unhappy all this time, then it is her fault, not yours that she never talked to you about it. Still, regardless of whose fault it is, that doesn't make you hurt any less. If you honestly cannot get her to see that you should go to counseling together (frankly, she owes it to your relationship and to your children, because even if you go your separate ways, you deserve honesty and closure and your kids deserve a mother who is willing to give it her best shot). Try positioning it this way with her. I can see that you love her. If she still refuses to see it, then you owe it to yourself to get out and make yourself as happy as possible. I do admire you for trying as hard as you have. I don't know if you're religious, but maybe you can even get an annulment based on these circumstances.
     
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