my wish

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Jul 20, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    If there's a means there's a way. I cant find anything effective and painless to kill myself. Im still searching. I really hate life and all i can think of is glorifying the times when i was so sick and was in a coma and on life support.
     
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i am sorry you hate life so much

    please don't do it.. do you have someone you can talk to?. or something good and exciting that can distract you from those thoughts
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I have no one to talk to. Im just reading the bible and it distracts me from my depression. However, i still have those thoughts no matter what i do. The only way to not think about it anymore is to actually kill myself. I dont see what is so important to be alive when I'm struggling so hard. God knows my heart and i must be patient for him to take me out of my misery. That's my only hope.
     
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi,

    i've not read your previous posts.. so i'm not up to speed on what's going on for you at the moment- would you like to explain a little why you feel that dying is the only option left?.

    i think reading the bible is really positive, it's actually something i want to start doing myself

    apart from death, is their anything you want to do with your life?. any ambitions, or small goals, stuff you want to see...

    what do you think is keeping you alive at the moment
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    My triggers were that my neighbor preached to me about the bible and challenged my faith when she herself don't know much about it either. I was defensive when she tried to approach me on my spirituality. Then, my mom has good intentions when she lectures to me about my life, but she don't know how much I disagree with her and that I don't have the courage to stand up for myself and live my own life. I feel like a loser in every way. Damned of I do, and damned if I don't. I have no goals anymore. My life is stagnant since I dropped out of my Master's degree classes. My psychiatrist advised me to drop out because it was causing me too much stress, so I dropped out. School was my passion, and when that was taken out of my life, I feel purposeless. I think the only thing that's keeping me "safe" is that I live in a HUD apartment and if I attempt suicide one more time, (I did it 4 times already in two years), I would be evicted because I have to prove that I'm competent enough to live independently. From living in group homes for 20 years, my independence really meant a lot for me. I'm determined to keep my apartment. Other than that, I have nothing to live for.
     
  6. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Mpang,
    If you want to return to school/your studies, discuss it urgently with you mental health team. It is your life after all, try managing your stress if you can. Do work in smaller sections, so you see you will get it done in time. Don't be so hard on yourself, try your best it is all you can do.Be proud of yourself and ignore those who seek to undermine.
    Great having your own independence, try to keep your flat. Can you do the course part-time? You should be given help from the university due to your health problems. Don't worry about your neighbour, it is okay to disagree on issues. Try to chat about something else, so you feel better for approaching her.
    Take care
    Kate
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2013
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