My Worth Consists, NOT..........

[Terror]

In 1999, as I mentioned b4 here: http://www.suicideforum.com/showpost.php?p=804473&postcount=36 I met the most wonderful woman who I'm now married to. She was the beginning, the one who steered me in the right direction.

She was the first to express how much she loved and cared about me, the first to compliment me, the first to throw me a birthday party. Tell you the truth, being told, "I love you, I care about you, I need you, you are wonderful...." was all foreign to me and my brain couldn't process it. Instead of feeling good I felt insulted when she told me these "things", I didn't understand them. But when some on my so called "friends" told me "damn you are uglyyyyy, you are stupid..." I felt good, it was a compliment to me and I honestly thank them for it. Why? Cause it was the only thing I knew. This love and caring "thing" I had to learn some more about.

Two or three times I may have done something that my now wife didn't appreciate and she got very upset with me. The best way I could handle the situation was to inflict pain on myself literally. I said to myself "you dumb stupid son of a bitch why did you hurt such a wonderful person? That is it man, you'll never stop hurting others, the only way you can stop, is to kill yourself, end you stupid pathetic life now, today!" And so I got sucked into the suicide bubble and with out realizing it I started to walk, like the Jew slowly walked toward the gas chamber. The active train track is about 4 miles from where I live so I walked towards the it on a mission to end it once and for all. But my wife would come to my rescue and stop me from ending my life.
Despite I didn't know how to accept being loved, I did feel the need to care and love this woman. I wanted her, I felt save when I was with her, and I expressed it to her. So, after the 3rd suicide attempt, she told me that she didn't want to life the rest of her life worrying that I will kill myself every time we have an argument. If I love and care for her, as I expressed, to seek help to rid myself of these suicidal tendencies. And so I booked my first appointment with a shrink.

 

[Terror]

There was when I finally saw the "light" at the end of that dark and ire tunnel after I asked her these questions:
"why is it that even though I live in a prestigious neighborhood, with a wonderful family, I'm looking forward to obtaining an AS Degree, I'm doing very well in school, I never smoked, I never drank, never taken drugs, every one who knows me, loves me dearly, transportation is luxury, and I'm financially stable, but yet, I pray every night that I die in my sleep of some natural causes. I want to die but for some reason I don't want to purposely act upon it?"

She looked at me straight into my eyes and said "because you have hope" HOPE? I retorted! YES! Hope she repeated and proceeded: "you have hope that some day some one will come and save that little child inside of you" and continued, "that little child who never heard his mother say 'I love you, you are beautiful, you are intelligent, I'm happy to have brought you to this world, you are my sunshine, and the most beautiful thing that ever happened me.' But the only person who can do that,..... is yourself". And reaffirmed me "YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE THAT LITTLE CHILD INSIDE OF YOU". That was the moment that I finally saw the light at the other end of that long, dark and ire tunnel. There after I began that slow and painful walk in the dark towards that light.

 

[Terror]

I tripped many a time but managed to get up. But other times I fell and hit so hard that I felt defeated and seriously considered give up. Some how I refused to accept death as the easy way out and regained the strength to press harder toward the light.

About three years ago my wife and I were having disagreement about hiring someone to build an addition onto our house. She argued that I wasn't capable of building it myself I argued that I could do it all myself since I specialize in home improvements. After going back and fort, "yes I can, no you can't" I looked at her and said, "you know........it's OK, I understand now, you don't believe in me but I, I I I......." and couldn't say finish saying "I believe in me, I believe in myself". Tears started rolling down my face, I wanted to scream so loud but I felt embarrassed, I ran across the hallway then back looking for a room to hide and cry out loud, I finally found the master bathroom and the first thing I saw the mirror; my knees got weak and I fell on the floor and started weeping. I couldn't contain myself for more than 3 hours.
I couldn't cry anymore, I got up and once again I saw the mirror and in that mirror I saw me for the first time. I felt like an out of body experience, and I started talking to me in the mirror and said, "look at you, wow, just look at you, you have grown, you are so beautiful, look at all the beautiful things you have created, the lights look at the lights, remember the light in that tunnel?"
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OH MAN, I have to stop here for a bit writing this is affecting me, but in a good way, tears a falling on my face and I can't focus on the screen too good. I'll post some more later.

 

[Tam]

:hug: