my year so far - and it is not even march

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by vbuk, Feb 27, 2007.

  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    hey, i just wanted to write some things. i hope thats ok.

    ive writen quite a bit in here about this year - it is so so horrible at the mo.

    so - 1st of all i found out that a neighbour of my grans - who has being around all my life - suddenly died. i didnt know him that well. but i remember little things like him singing alot - he used to talk to me through the fence.

    then about a week later my grandad died. im not sure if it has sunk in yet, its bin a while now - but i still cant really get over it. im sure it will happen at sometime. we used to take him to the rugby - on sunday when we went i wanted to go in and pick him up but i cudnt - hes not there is he. i wished he was. i keep thinking how i should have being a better grandchild to him. i shud have talked to him so much more - he was just so hard to talk to. i think about him all the time and say goodnight to him. am i mad?

    the day of my grandads funneral a friend of the family died - this was more shocking. ive not seen her for so so long. i feel so guilty. she was there all my life. used to look after me and do my hair. always used to call me 'chuck'. she was ace. we went to her funneral - which was interesting as people didnt go in the 1st time so they had 2.

    then the week later or so i passed my driving test which was ace. i decided to get a loan so i could get a decent car.

    ive got a guy at work talking to me like crap. making me feel useless. i really hate him.

    My gran isnt doing well. they say she has athritis but we dont think she has - she can barely walk. but nobody seem to want to do n e thing about it. - including my auntie. she is greiving my grandad (she has altziemers so doesnt understand alot of things) im scared she wont last.

    i thought things were getting better - ive seen a car that i think ill buy. its really nice.

    i found out tonight - my other grandparents old neighbour died today. again she was there all my life. used to talk to me. its getting too much

    4 deaths in 2 months. this year is horrible.

    i just dont know what to do. i am plodding on - trying to be positive but finding it hard. i just dont know how much more i can take. im so weak.

    Sorry - ive written alot of the above b4.

    Thanks for reading.

    Love always

    Clare xxx
     
  2. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    this just dont seem to be getting much better. i had this really bad nightmare where i was at my grans funeral last night. i know it wasnt real but for the few hours that i was there - it was totally real. i know i have to be ready - i have to prepare myself. i love my gran so so much. shes not doing so good and nobody seem to be be doing anything about it. i cant let her go - im so scared that each time i see her will be the last. i want to protect her from everything. i bought a car last night (woohoo) my auntie bought one 2 weeks ago. she wont ever use hers to take my gran out. im going to tho. just take her down the pub for a little while - or take her to places she used to go b4 she got bad. maybe she will remember things. i want make her last days/weeks/months/years good ones. i just know everyone will say - no - its too much hassle taking her out. its like shes not a person n e more. my parents r pretty good about it but my auntie will do fuck all. i know it. i just wana look after her. it makes me so sad. i think about her all the time. i cant lose her - i just cant.
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    clare, that is really beautiful
    I can see your hurt.. your sorrow.. And it's not fair that you have to go through so much in so little time. I hope you can come out a better person and that perhaps this is the start of something new.

    What you said about your gran shows just how kind you are. You are an amazing person and she is lucky to have you.

    I pray you stay strong and you can keep going, for gran and for yourself, people need you clare..

    take care,
    Ally _^
     
  4. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    Re: my year so far - and it is only march

    so - here i am again - writing about this year!

    things started to go well. i have things that i cant really write about - i guess i just dont want to admit. i dont know.

    today my neighbour died. i dont really know what to write - but i just wanted to add it to the list. that makes it 5. how much more can i take. i feel like i shud distance myself from people. anyone that knows me. i dont want to kill n e one else. i dont know what to do. im starting to blame myself. im linking them all.

    im fed up with people at work - bullying me. it hurts alot.

    not sure what else to write

    im sorry

    Clare x
     
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :( It's not your fault Clare :hug: