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My youth was wasted on being fat and ugly

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#1
I always saw myself as ugly even before it got really bad. As a result, Ive always gone years at a time between relationships.
The one thing I had going for me was really nice hair, at least until it started receding in my teens. I held onto it for a while, but I finally had to give up on ever having a hairstyle again. It's at Hulk Hogan levels of balding now, and I look fucking terrible bald. This also takes away my favorite feeling in the world, which is having someone play with my hair.

I just wish I had appreciated my ability to get a girlfriend or boyfriend back when I still could. My other mental issues prevented me from seeking them out, and the ones who liked me and gave me a chance always ended up leaving when my depression resurfaced.
My final relationship happened when I was 28. I'm 31 and know for a fact that it's over. I'm about 100lbs overweight with a weird shape that wouldn't even appeal to people who like fat. My face is pretty jacked up too. It's seriously at the point where I hate being in public because people can see me, and that makes me super uncomfortable. Who the fuck would want someone as pathetic as me? Not like it would matter, because even if a miracle happened, I would fuck it up and they would leave
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#3
Speaking as someone who has experienced a lot of body changes due to physical illness, I understand and empathize with the low self-esteem that comes with the changes... also speaking as someone who is turning 30 soon, I say fuck it. You are going to look how you look no matter what unless you're into plastic surgery. Giving so much time to worrying about how you look is what's really wasting your youth because being hung up on it won't change it. I think your time might feel better spent when you are being kinder to yourself and when you are living your life in spite of society's bullshit beauty standards. You may not be able to change society but you can control what you think so I ultimately think that's what's worth working on.

That's just my blunt two cents earned from a life turned completely upside down and I totally understand if you're not in that kind of headspace right now and want me to shush.
 

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#4
Speaking as someone who has experienced a lot of body changes due to physical illness, I understand and empathize with the low self-esteem that comes with the changes... also speaking as someone who is turning 30 soon, I say fuck it. You are going to look how you look no matter what unless you're into plastic surgery. Giving so much time to worrying about how you look is what's really wasting your youth because being hung up on it won't change it. I think your time might feel better spent when you are being kinder to yourself and when you are living your life in spite of society's bullshit beauty standards. You may not be able to change society but you can control what you think so I ultimately think that's what's worth working on.

That's just my blunt two cents earned from a life turned completely upside down and I totally understand if you're not in that kind of headspace right now and want me to shush.
Maybe I could live my life if I had literally anything else going for me. I'm on the verge of being homeless, I have no friends left, and I'm extremely uncomfortable around people in general. There's no way to fix any of this quickly enough to prevent my suicide
 

SantiagoRC

Well-Known Member
#5
It helps me to think of great, amazing people who were ugly. Socrates was famously quite ugly and funny-looking. There was an ancient understanding that Jesus was ugly too. I'm sure there are people you admire and love who are not good-looking. Or if you saw an ugly child, would you think of them as less valuable? We judge ourselves more harshly than we treat others.
 

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#6
It helps me to think of great, amazing people who were ugly. Socrates was famously quite ugly and funny-looking. There was an ancient understanding that Jesus was ugly too. I'm sure there are people you admire and love who are not good-looking. Or if you saw an ugly child, would you think of them as less valuable? We judge ourselves more harshly than we treat others.
Cool, but unlike those people I'm completely worthless. If I had worth, maybe some people would have stuck around. Instead, I'm stuck in an apartment I can't afford, two months behind on rent and a month behind on other bills. I'm going to be homeless right when the brutal northern Illinois winter starts, and I have nobody willing to take me in, nobody who cares enough to actually help me even if it means I will die without it.
All I have is an ex who pretends to still be friendly just so she has somebody to listen to all her bullshit, and talks about all the ways I was better than all her other partners, but will go out of her way to tell me specifically how she wants to fuck everyone except for me. That's all I am to her, just the ugly fat friend who she mistakenly dated for several months. And I'm so pathetic that I still have feelings for her, especially since she was the last relationship I will ever have.

Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway. I deserve to die alone, and I will. Very soon. Hopefully I don't fuck up the suicide like I do literally everything else
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
Maybe I could live my life if I had literally anything else going for me. I'm on the verge of being homeless, I have no friends left, and I'm extremely uncomfortable around people in general. There's no way to fix any of this quickly enough to prevent my suicide
You're right - it doesn't sound like any of this has a "quick fix"... but all of this DOES have a "fix" if you work towards each thing. Countless people have come here homeless or on the verge of it and have been okay. What it is that is creating that? (lost your job? someone has kicked you out of where you were already staying? What situation is changing?) You can make friends. You can lose weight if it bothers you tremendously. I'm 100lbs overweight too and I simply don't care that much. Attitude makes you who you are and I get all the girls I want because I know how to treat people. It's something you can change though. (However hard that is when you feel like shit so this is probably the very last thing you feel like doing right now. Exercise is actually one of the best things for depression.. while being the absolute hardest because who the hell wants to do that when you can't even take a fricking shower?!)

I get the feeling you've been in this depressive spiral a very long time. If you've been living that way for many years it's hard to get back out of, girl. You realize that 5 years have passed, then 10, then 20. Time just keeps creeping along, all while you've been under the blankets hiding. I know - I've been there plenty myself. Sending good thoughts your way.
 
#10
I get the feeling you've been in this depressive spiral a very long time. If you've been living that way for many years it's hard to get back out of, girl. You realize that 5 years have passed, then 10, then 20. Time just keeps creeping along, all while you've been under the blankets hiding. I know - I've been there plenty myself. Sending good thoughts your way.
well that hits a little to close…. 💣🤯
I probably needed a good cry anyway. 😢😂
 

Kolisar

SF Supporter
#12
What is considered "beautiful" changes both over time and depending on the culture/country. Many famous artworks by Rubens, Borgias, and Titan, feature "larger" women. And, to be honest, people who are only interested in someone based purely on physical appearance don't deserve your time or attention.

At the end of 2019 a co-worker of mine had given up on finding someone. He had tried and "failed" too many times and had resigned himself to a life of solitude. We had a long conversation over dinner during a business trip and my advice to him was "Stop looking. Don't worry about it. You are a good person, it may take time but there are a lot of other good people and one will recognize your value and you will be able to find happiness" (something along those lines, it was a couple of years ago so that is not an exact quote) He stopped actively looking. He took the pressure off of himself and stopped feeling that he needed someone and berating himself because he was unable to find a meaningful relationship. And, when he wasn't even looking, someone found him.

I understand the societal pressure that people feel to be perfectly attractive, and the filters people use when posting images on social media only feed the delusion that everyone else is "perfect".

There is nothing wrong with you. Beauty does not have a size, weight, height, eye color, amount or even presence of hair, age, race, orientation, or anything like that. True beauty is the person's heart.

Don't give up. Don't lose hope. And don't keep telling yourself that you will mess up any relationship.
 

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#13
You're right - it doesn't sound like any of this has a "quick fix"... but all of this DOES have a "fix" if you work towards each thing. Countless people have come here homeless or on the verge of it and have been okay. What it is that is creating that? (lost your job? someone has kicked you out of where you were already staying? What situation is changing?) You can make friends. You can lose weight if it bothers you tremendously. I'm 100lbs overweight too and I simply don't care that much. Attitude makes you who you are and I get all the girls I want because I know how to treat people. It's something you can change though. (However hard that is when you feel like shit so this is probably the very last thing you feel like doing right now. Exercise is actually one of the best things for depression.. while being the absolute hardest because who the hell wants to do that when you can't even take a fricking shower?!)

I get the feeling you've been in this depressive spiral a very long time. If you've been living that way for many years it's hard to get back out of, girl. You realize that 5 years have passed, then 10, then 20. Time just keeps creeping along, all while you've been under the blankets hiding. I know - I've been there plenty myself. Sending good thoughts your way.
The cause is my roommate lost his job and abandoned me. He is in the process of trying to get Disability, but it's going to be a while still.

I worked out a deal with my landlord where I pay him 2/3 of my paychecks each week to catch up on rent, and I still have to worry about bills, food, and gas. If I miss a payment, he's already threatened to start the 5 day eviction process. I have nowhere to go if this happens, and I can't save any money since I'm paying him weekly.

<mod edit cause we can't say that here>
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#14
What is considered "beautiful" changes both over time and depending on the culture/country. Many famous artworks by Rubens, Borgias, and Titan, feature "larger" women. And, to be honest, people who are only interested in someone based purely on physical appearance don't deserve your time or attention.

At the end of 2019 a co-worker of mine had given up on finding someone. He had tried and "failed" too many times and had resigned himself to a life of solitude. We had a long conversation over dinner during a business trip and my advice to him was "Stop looking. Don't worry about it. You are a good person, it may take time but there are a lot of other good people and one will recognize your value and you will be able to find happiness" (something along those lines, it was a couple of years ago so that is not an exact quote) He stopped actively looking. He took the pressure off of himself and stopped feeling that he needed someone and berating himself because he was unable to find a meaningful relationship. And, when he wasn't even looking, someone found him.

I understand the societal pressure that people feel to be perfectly attractive, and the filters people use when posting images on social media only feed the delusion that everyone else is "perfect".

There is nothing wrong with you. Beauty does not have a size, weight, height, eye color, amount or even presence of hair, age, race, orientation, or anything like that. True beauty is the person's heart.

Don't give up. Don't lose hope. And don't keep telling yourself that you will mess up any relationship.
I doubt anyone here would understand, but there are just certain things I want that I can't get looking the way I do. Maybe I could find some kind of relationship, but not the kind that would make me happy.

And I know for a fact that I would ruin any relationship because I've already ruined all prior ones.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#15
And I know for a fact that I would ruin any relationship because I've already ruined all prior ones.
I'm not being a smartass... But you know that's how that works right?
They all fail - for 15 years of dating, for 25 years of dating, for 35 years of dating... Until it doesn't. It's happening to all of us, everywhere. You find someone, it doesn't work, it dissolves... Repeat - untill you find someone really great.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#16
The cause is my roommate lost his job and abandoned me. He is in the process of trying to get Disability, but it's going to be a while still.
Oh. Yeah, that's a bitch innit. Is your roommate still in the house? (Trying to determine what "abandoned" means in this context mostly)
Disability in the US? Oh boy. That's gonna take a while. Can he get a side hustle under the table to help out for now? I know he can't work out it'll screw up his disability process but maybe some under the table work?

I worked out a deal with my landlord where I pay him 2/3 of my paychecks each week to catch up on rent,
I'm glad you're working something out, at least for now. Doesn't sounds like it's sustainable for long term but maybe it'll get you back on your feet.
 

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#17
You're right - it doesn't sound like any of this has a "quick fix"... but all of this DOES have a "fix" if you work towards each thing. Countless people have come here homeless or on the verge of it and have been okay. What it is that is creating that? (lost your job? someone has kicked you out of where you were already staying? What situation is changing?) You can make friends. You can lose weight if it bothers you tremendously. I'm 100lbs overweight too and I simply don't care that much. Attitude makes you who you are and I get all the girls I want because I know how to treat people. It's something you can change though. (However hard that is when you feel like shit so this is probably the very last thing you feel like doing right now. Exercise is actually one of the best things for depression.. while being the absolute hardest because who the hell wants to do that when you can't even take a fricking shower?!)

I get the feeling you've been in this depressive spiral a very long time. If you've been living that way for many years it's hard to get back out of, girl. You realize that 5 years have passed, then 10, then 20. Time just keeps creeping along, all while you've been under the blankets hiding. I know - I've been there plenty myself. Sending good thoughts your way.
Oh. Yeah, that's a bitch innit. Is your roommate still in the house? (Trying to determine what "abandoned" means in this context mostly)
Disability in the US? Oh boy. That's gonna take a while. Can he get a side hustle under the table to help out for now? I know he can't work out it'll screw up his disability process but maybe some under the table work?


I'm glad you're working something out, at least for now. Doesn't sounds like it's sustainable for long term but maybe it'll get you back on your feet.
It's not even sustainable in the short term, since I have to use payday loans every week.

By abandoned, I mean he went to live somewhere else but left his stuff here and only drops by for his mail.

Oh and I'm assuming you're the one who edited my post. I'm getting real sick of being censored every time I show a little bit of honesty here. It's pretty weird I'm not allowed to talk about suicide on a suicide forum
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#18
It's pretty weird I'm not allowed to talk about suicide on a suicide forum
I am the one the edited your post. You can't give timelines of suicide here, even in a somewhat vague sense like you did. Very vague - "when my dog dies some day" - is allowed. "On my birthday", "tomorrow", and "when this paycheck runs out" are examples of what we don't allow. Giving a timeline like these places undue pressure on others here to "do something", like become the personal counselor to another or offer financial assistance. It's unfair for people to be friends with someone and them to be posting that they'll be gone at X time / date / situation.
 

Kitty Katzington

Well-Known Member
#20
Yeah that's crap. Is there anywhere else you can go? Family - friend - local shelter?
No, I don't have any friends or family that I can leech off of for the foreseeable future. There are some shelters, but they're really bad in general. People get robbed, beaten, and stabbed in places like that over the most petty bullshit. I'd rather take my chances sleeping in my car, or maybe a storage unit, no matter how cold it's about to get up here.

No matter what choice I make, I'll probably end up dead anyway
 

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