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Narcissistic mothers?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by demonpoodle, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. demonpoodle

    demonpoodle Member

    Does anyone here have any experience with dealing narcissistic or unloving mothers? If so, how did you learn to deal with it and move forward?
  2. I simply realized that the fact that she is a crazy bitch is no reflection on me or my worth. I can't say I fully learned to deal with it because it still hurts, but I know the reasons now for why I am the way I am. For the most part, anyway. And I'm doing my best to identify behaviors I find to be problematic and change them.
    MagickLynx and DrownedFishOnFire like this.
  3. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    I cannot really get away from my mother. I had open heart surgery when I was one years old and I've had a few more surgeries after that and my mother is prejudiced and intolerant. She expects me to fail. When I was five I wrote my own piano score. She said nothing. When I was three I could read and write and do math and she forced me to go to a program called Young Fives for children who cannot go to regular kindergarten even though I didn't need it. I took driver's ed and all that in school and I only got one wrong on the driver's test and she wouldn't help me get a car. She forced me onto welfare even though she helped my siblings get jobs and they never had surgery. Then I have to make up excuses for her because I know no one else will help me in the long run. Most people cannot handle surgery scars. It feels like there is no help. I mean I have enough money for food but no one talks to me. I probably wouldn't even get a scholarship because thousands of other people would be applying to the same one. She usually blames me for everything and says it's my fault. She also hates black people so I assume she hates me, too. She probably didn't even want to take me to the hospital for my surgeries. I cannot really change anything because I am poor and no one would give me any money for free, come on, get real.
  4. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how horrible and evil a narcissistic mother can be. What helped me the most was accepting that she will never change, be sorry or ever care about all of the abuse. That and stay far away.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  5. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Asphyxiate .. I’m not narcissistic but I wasn’t a good mother either. Do you believe that the way your mother brought you up dictates your adult personality and struggles. This is something that has scared me shitless. I’m asking genuinely. I did not physically abuse my children in any way but i had huge issues and focused on those sometimes more than them .
    MagickLynx and DrownedFishOnFire like this.
  6. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    My mother doesn't abuse me but she doesn't help me with anything either. Like she never got me a car or helped me get a job like my other siblings, although they agree she wasn't a good mother either. Although I think there are different labels when it comes to having surgery I guess, because it requires a lot more motivation on her part, like I was in the hospital for two weeks after my open heart surgery and she had to go to the hospital a lot to visit me. And then I had other problems in school like I needed a doctor's note to get out of gym class because of my heart. Or I was having ear pain. Or something like that. But a lot of children have that, she should have realized it could happen even if she didn't want it to happen. There are also different ways of preventing diseases and things like that, but I don't know what was available at the time she decided to get pregnant.
  7. I mean, yes and no. I can't blame everything on her. In my adult life, I made the decisions I made. No one forced me to stick a needle in my arm, drop out of high school, date douchebags, etc. She's only at fault for her actions (or lack thereof) toward me. It's her fault that she neglected me and was a manipulative, verbally abusive bitch. It's her fault that she allowed me to get bullied and did nothing. It's her fault that she didn't believe me when I told her I was molested. It's her fault that she refused to get me any kind of mental health treatment when I told her I needed it. And it's her fault that she continues to treat me like shit instead of admitting what she did wrong. But every action I've made as a result of those things is mine and mine alone. There's a difference between fault and responsibility. She may be at fault for the things I mentioned, but I'm still responsible for what I do as an adult and whether or not I choose to change what needs to be changed.
    MagickLynx likes this.
  8. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Thank you enormously for your response Asphyxiate, and I hope I haven’t upset you by asking. I’m not trying to get off the hook - I could have been a much better mum but I’ve tried hard over the years to make amends and love them with my heart and soul. I guess SF and folk like you who have been through such dreadfully sad or difficult times has opened up my eyes to what I should have / could have done. Thank you again and I want to send you a mum hug xxx
    MagickLynx and AsphyxiateOnWords like this.
  9. The main difference between you and my mother, though, as I've said before, is that you actually give a shit. And I admire you for that immensely. And no, you haven't upset me at all. I happen to like answering questions, and asking them :) Feel free to ask whatever you like whenever you like.
    MagickLynx and Winter Blues like this.
  10. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    One of my earliest memories is of my mother telling me that she should have left me at the hospital when I was born as they didn't want a girl. She would joke about how my older brother got all the good genes and I got the rubbish ones that nobody wanted. She said I was so fat as a baby that they were scared to pick me up in case my skin split like an overstuffed sausage. My nickname was Plain Jane and she always told me that nobody would ever love me. She would cut chunks of my hair out as punishment. On two occasions she shaved my head - walking into school at 11 years old with a shaved head is still the most embarrassing moment of my life.
    I haven't dealt with it yet. I'm still trying to be a good enough daughter but trying to accept that I never will be good enough for her. I'd love to have the courage one day to ask her why she hates me so much but I doubt I ever will. I'd also love to have the courage one day to walk away but she is now old, ill and I'm all she's got so I guess we're stuck with each other.
  11. God, your mother sounds like a freaking psycho. I can relate though. Mine told me some pretty stupid shit before too. She said she didn't love me as much at first because she thought I had red hair when I was born, until it turned more blonde a year or so later. She also said my grandmother told her she should have aborted me on several occasions when she was pregnant with me and after I was born. She told me no one would love me if I was too fat. And when I was in the hospital one time after one of my ex's and I broke up, she said, "see, one loves or wants you unless you're healthy enough to be useful."

    Although I have a pretty good guess what the answer is, has yours ever given a shit enough to apologize or admit she fucked up?
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  12. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I doubt she's even aware that she fucked up. I've spoken to my brother about it over the last few months as I wondered if I had made it up in my head or if I was too young to understand it was just a joke but he told me he's been waiting for me to ask him for years. He told me about more stuff that she did to me that I've either blocked out or was too young to remember. At least now I know it's not just in my head.
    But he made me promise to never bring it up with her as she's too old and poorly to cope with it.

    I'm sorry you've been through it too.. Mums eh? It's a shame they're a necessity.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  13. From what I read, it doesn't sound like its just in your head at all. This is just my opinion, but I think you should do whatever you think will help YOU heal better rather than worrying about how others will cope, especially when they didn't seem to give two fucks about how you'd cope. But I get that that's still your mom and, unlike her, you don't feel the need to bring pain to people who matter to you. But if you do decide to ever confront her, always be prepared that she might act like she has no idea what you're talking about, but even if she does, that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't know what she did.

    In case she had forgotten, I reminded my grandmother that she molested me when I was fucked up on benzos one day. It was actually pretty amusing how she reacted. She said she didn't remember, but in an oddly calm, matter-of-fact sort of way. I started thinking about what I would do if someone came to me with something like that, and I didn't think I did anything wrong. I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot angrier and try to argue my innocence. She did none of that, and then never brought it up again. So that pretty much told me what I needed to know. She remembered it just fine. And I hope it fucks with her head like it does with mine.
    DrownedFishOnFire and Lulabelle like this.
  14. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Have had a crappy mother growing up. Ruined my self confidence and always talked poorly of me in front of me to other people. Yeah and I still have that resentment yet still love her. She claims she doesnt remember those things. Using alcohol as a excuse to not remember or as a crutch to get away from my memories.
    Lulabelle likes this.
  15. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It's so confusing isn't it? I so desperately want to hate my mother. I want to get all the anger and resentment out. But she's my mother and I do still love her despite everything. But that's how it still fucks with my head - because how could someone we love say and do such awful things? Unless they're true... And if I can love someone that's capable of that much hurt, what does that say about me? That I'm a weak willed sap. Either way I'm left wanting.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    yeah @Lulabelle I have to remind myself it is me being the bigger person showing mercy and compassion towards people who have wronged me especially my mom. She has done more insane shit but that is for another day.

    Lulabelle likes this.
  17. rayray

    rayray Well-Known Member

    unfortunately you just have to accept that she'll never change no matter what you do, just remember that it's not your fault.
  18. TiredToday

    TiredToday Member

    Hi there,

    I tried to talk to her about the things she did that were causing me problems - not the childhood stuff because I felt that she couldn't fix any of that so there was no point going back there, but I was very open with her about how she made me feel when she said and did certain things. I tried more than once but it never went well; she always turned the conversation back to herself and portrayed herself as the victim. So for example, I told her about a family party we were all at where she said something really unpleasant about me in front of a lot of people. Everyone felt uncomfortable, no-one knew what to say and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I told her about that situation and how it had made me (and everyone else) feel and that it was an example of the kind of thing I wanted her to stop doing. She just came back with examples of times people embarrassed her in public and how she had to cope her whole life with being unloved, her mother hating her, her husband having an affair and so on. She just wasn't capable of hearing what I was saying or changing her behaviour to make life a bit easier for me (because I suppose the way she is is how she copes with her own childhood stuff and changing that would mean she couldn't cope, maybe?). Then I tried writing to her about it because I wondered if putting it into words (so she couldn't interrupt me or keep coming back with her own stories) might help but no, that didn't work either.

    I tried keeping her at a bit of a distance and just trying to rise above what she said and did and not respond but she would just up the ante each time so that didn't work. Then I tried keeping her at an actual distance and moved two hundred miles away so that we only spoke on the phone and saw each other once or twice a year. She came to stay for a weekend and spent the entire first day trying to pick a fight. I manage to keep my tongue to myself until the evening when I finally snapped at her. She took herself off to bed and when she got up the next morning she wouldn't speak to me. I had got up willing to draw a line under it and let it go but by lunchtime I said that if she was going to be silent for the rest of the weekend she may as well just go home, which she did. So that didn't work either.

    Then we tried very limited contact where she just saw my son from time to time so I really only spoke to her to arrange days and times and to drop him off and collect him. I won't go so far as to say she kidnapped him, but she did take him somewhere that she wasn't supposed to and kept him out for much longer than we'd agreed, so that didn't work either.

    Eventually I felt the only thing I could do was to cease all contact with her completely, which I did eleven years ago. I have to say it's the only thing that worked for me, but I am glad I tried all the other ways because I do feel I can genuinely say I tried as much as I could and if she'd made even a small effort I think we could have made something work.

    It isn't easy having no contact. I miss having a mum - not her, because she was just so destructive, but I do miss having someone there. It's particularly difficult at Christmas, on birthdays, Mother's Day. I miss having someone who I could phone the minute I had some good news to share (I've got friends but it isn't quite the same). I feel some anxiety about what will happen if she needs care as she gets older. The thought of her sitting indoors alone unable to look after herself well makes me feel so sad. I know she hasn't made any provision - stubborn as a mule. Wouldn't save, wouldn't downsize or relocate, has driven so many people away with her behaviour. So sometimes my mind wanders there. I would have liked things to be different but in all honesty I don't think it is possible to be mentally healthy and have my mum in my life; the two just aren't compatible, unfortunately.
    rayray likes this.
  19. TiredToday

    TiredToday Member

    Sorry, I should also have said, I did read a book years ago that I found very helpful: "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Dr Karyl McBride. It's written primarily to focus on the relationship between narcissistic mums and their daughters but I think you can apply what's in it to most narcissistic/unloving relationships whoever they are with. I found it very helpful as I understood the problem with me was actually my mum and not some defect in my personality - my feelings and reactions were normal, it was hers that weren't :)
    Lulabelle and rayray like this.