Nativity Plays 'Elf & Safety'

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by Twocky61, Dec 12, 2014.

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  1. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Found this on another forum & as amusing that it is, it is not so far fetched really; after all, we, as a society, are so obsessed with Health & Safety legislation

    The Rocking Song
    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    While Shepherds Watched
    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
  2. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

  5. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Brilliant! Thank you for sharing it with us, Twocky.

    With love - Aquarius

  6. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member


    Here's something else which is quite poignant:

    It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

    I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. But, here it friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change....Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! 'Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit! And I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this's NOT over. A new adventure will begin!

    Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime. So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!

    Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be
    sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you
    will see all the seasons of your, live for today and say all
    the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for
    them in all the years past!

    "Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.


    "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.



    ~Your kids are becoming you.......

    ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

    ~You forget names....

    But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

    ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything....
    especially golf.. (or whatever)

    ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you
    really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

    ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

    ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

    ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... "what?" . ???

    ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it

    ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

    ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

    ~Everybody whispers.

    ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

    ~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of
    all, OLD FRIENDS!!

    Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let
    them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

    It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
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