I just had a blood test this morning as part of a routine physical. One of the tests they ran was for HIV. I've been putting off having an HIV test for months because I think I've developed some of the symptoms -- & I didn't want to know. I won't receive any results until I see my physician on Friday. While I know people can live for years with HIV (e.g. Magic Johnson), I don't want to. I couldn't bear to tell my family that I've contracted the disease...& I don't want to live with the social stigma. I have a <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> & I'd much rather drift off & avoid all the BS. For those of you wondering, I've been primarily sexually abstinent for several years -- I'm no "Typhoid Mary." In addition to the potential of having contracted HIV, I'm also Bipolar I. Dealing with both would be more than I could bear. One of the symptoms of mania is hypersexuality and, in fact, the incident during which I might have contracted this took place four days before I was involuntarily committed to the hospital due to a week without sleep & the resulting psychosis. I'm not making excuses for this anonymous encounter...That's just the way it happened. Anyways, I've made concrete plans, down to the smallest detail, about how I will deal with the situation if I find the test is positive. I have the means & the motive. This transcends depression or anxiety -- I simply view it as an early form of euthanasia. Society sucks...rather than being viewed as a "leper," I'd rather bow out before the symptoms become manifest. I already bear the stigma of being on disability because of my bipolar...adding HIV to the fire would just be more than I could bear.