Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Freya, Jun 12, 2013.

  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    That would be me.

    I am having one of those days (months?) where I do not have the energy to pretend anymore. I cannot find the reserves to pretend I am not disgusting - to pretend that declining to look in the mirror is a step up from covering them - to pretend that refusing to look at the photo is a step up from refusing to have it taken. I am too tired to pretend I am so utterly hideous that some people pretend I do not exist (I wish) and others make comments, seemingly believing that ugly equates to deaf or thick skinned. I want to stay in the flat and never leave again. I want to not feel sick in any circumstance that includes new people. I want to... well the end of that sentence would include all sorts of methody things that would get me banned.

    And sometimes - when I have the energy - I pretend it doesn't matter that I am revolting on the outside because I have enough compensating factors that it doesn't matter . But that isn't true either. There is something inherently, fundamentally, very very bad. I have said 'toxic' here before and my position has not changed. I am toxic. I do a generally very good job of pretending to be nice and think of others and be hardworking and have compassion and.... and its far too little far too late. And every single thing in my life that is bad is my own fault. Is something I did. Is something I caused. I something I am. It is impossible to escape from any of it - it is impossible to change.

    And yes I am still taking my meds. And no I don't need different ones. I need to be a different person. I am pretty sure I can't get that on prescription.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun you can get that on prescription the pills can help us cope but therapy CBT AND DBT can and does help us change our minds out thinking patterns it help hun
    I am sorry hun you see yourself as you do and beauty the old saying is true hun is inside ok that is what matters You should not have to pretend to be anyone but yourself hun hugs to you
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    To add to TE suggestions there are also self help groups and twelve step programmes. The Laundry list on the ACA website makes interesting reading.

    I can relate strongly to your wish not to pretend. And it is possible to change.