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Discussion in 'Therapy and Medication' started by molotov, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    Hi folks,

    I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to start getting myself a bit less crazy and I am a bit confused by all the choices..

    My story, if that helps (I'd rather post here anyway since I think this forum is members-only, call me paranoid):

    I've had a pdoc for about two years, an ADD and depression specialist who diagnosed me with ADD Inattentive in 2007. When he first diagnosed me with ADD he said he didn't think I was depressed and I didn't argue with him, though in the months before and after the diagnosis I couldn't talk to anyone, lost about 15 percent of my body weight and cried constantly... part of that was a bad breakup and the trauma of having a medical diagnosis which (possibly) explained all the catastrophically airheaded shit I do all the time, unintentionally pissing other people off and affecting every aspect of my career, university, creative and home life.

    I have never actually had any self-esteem; I used to write myself hate notes and fantasize about my own funeral as a little kid, and every time I do something stupid all the other stupid things I have ever done (oh, and there are so many, actually a lot of them make really funny stories after the fact, several independent groups of friends and even teachers have started referring to doing ridiculously airheaded things as "pulling a (molotov)" without ANY suggestion on my part) just come flooding back and seize my brain, even totally normal slipups or things that are in no way under my control just send me into total paroxyms of shame/mortification/self-loathing/despair/etc.

    I once mentioned this to my pdoc. He asked me if I was raised Lutheran. I said I was. He said, "That's why, then." The first guy I went to in college (at the insistence of one of my teachers - "you are the most disorganized student I have ever had in thirty years of teaching" "i have heard that before actually" "have you ever been diagnosed with a learning disability?" "...") spent five minutes with me before diagnosing me as "charmingly eccentric" and sending me on my merry way, so I guess this pdoc is a step up.

    Anyway I am not really sure at all if all this ADD shit is actually just my own stupid charmingly-eccentric fault and/or if it is normal (for everyone or for ADD people) to be basically ok sometimes and then sometimes have spectacular attacks of virulent hand-chewing sobbing can't-get-out-of-bed-or-make-conversation abject self-hatred where everything looks like a potential suicide method... even though secretly I know I am too chicken to try anything because I am sure I would screw up at a crucial moment and end up as a drooling, paralyzed vegetable, or else misplace my method of choice on the subway or something and thus end up outing myself to the world as a fruit-basket before I could even try to get the job done.

    Sorry that last sentence was so long.

    The point of all this is, I thought I might try some kind of therapy but I am not really sure where to start. What are the differences between psychoanalysis and talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical whatever-that-is therapy and whatever this thing is (sorry, I am American but I live in Germany so language is sometimes an issue) that translates as something like "deep-psychological psychotherapy" and all the others? Do I need a referral from a GP? (I don't have a GP but I suppose I could get one.) Is it better to go to an ADD specialist or a depression specialist or a psychologist or a therapist or a counselor or a psychiatrist/psychologist or does any of that really matter? Where do you even start explaining all of this shit to someone once you're in there?

    I told my pdoc I was interested in finding therapy and he more or less wished me luck, said I didn't need his blessing or his referral, so I basically have to take my own initiative here. I have an appointment with him on the 10th and I would like to have made some headway by then.. a few days ago I was afraid that if I waited that long I would kill myself before then, but now the worst seems to have passed, I don't know why I was so suicidal and I don't know why I'm not anymore but whatever. Now, though, I am kind of afraid that if I go in they will just see me on a good day and think I am fine. Maybe they'd be right, I dunno, maybe I am just overreacting.

    Any thoughts? I would especially love to hear from anyone with any insight into the German health-care jungle, but any and all reactions to any of this rambling tripe are very much appreciated..

    thanks for reading. take it easy.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    The only other person I've ever known to have ADD inattentive is my youngest daughter and she received that diagnosis when she was 22. I was none to happy with mental health because I knew she was suffering depression as well.

    Always remember that many have more than one diagnosis. I have 5 but the main one is major depression recurrent.

    Definitely turn to your psychiatrist for diagnosis and medication. I was happiest with cognitive therapy because it is pro active. You learn things you can use for yourself for the rest of your life. I recommend insisting that the pdoc give you a referral. I always found this to be helpful because I experienced delays because I didn't have a referral.

    Keep posting here with any questions you have and we'll share with you what we know and have experienced.

  3. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi chargette,

    thanks for your reply. as it turns out just today i remembered that (even) i have access to student health now so i went in, and, wonder of wonders, i have an appointment for early friday. i am not sure what will come of it or if these people have anything to do with what i would normally have been after in therapy, but they are free and they are willing to take me almost immediately so i can't really say no.

    how is your daughter now? was she subsequently diagnosed with depression? my sister is in treatment for both as well..

    are you treated by the same person for all five of your diagnoses, then? or do you see a specialist for each one? how is it going?