last night I had a sever depression mood. really wanted to all my meds at once & finish whatever booze was around the house. I was taken over by a overwhelming sense of grief, hopelessness, etc, yet I was sober enough to write an almost complete suicide note. Whether fortunately, or unfortunately, a friend was able to talk me out of it, for the night at least. Originally I had hoped she'd assist me in suicide, but she's adamant about not doing so. This does stall my plans, as I would wallow in despair for the time being. Everyone tells me that you can't predict what the future will bring, but for someone who has gone through life in a haze, it's hard to imagine the future as a bright place filled with possibilities. I've failed or attempted badly at everything in my life. And the recent failed relationship seems to be a sign that the best thing to come into my life will elude me simply because I'm stuck in this pit that is my life. I believe in fate, and whatever fate has planned for me seems like a cruel joke, torturing me. Yet I don't know how to pick myself up and walk out of this darkness. If I don't have the nerve to take my own life, at least I can accept living out my life in misery, waiting for nature to do the job for me. I don't expect anyone to tell give me a pep talk - we've all heard it before, and it doesn't work well on me anymore.