this is more of a rant more than anything, i wanted to find a forum like this to bring out my anger hoping someone out there would relate to my pain, but i guess not? anyways this is how i feel right now, i have no friends no one to talk to but the internet, how sad is that? my closest friend of 5 years lives in another country my mum is a nutcase, i don't have anyone else to talk to at all, apart from my cat, it's enough to drive anyone mad. my boyfriend of 3 years no longer wants to contact me no matter how many times i email him, hes just not interested at all we never go out anymore, it just is not the same as it was when we first met, i hardly see him anymore like months at a time, it doesn't help that he left to travel the world for 1 year and i couldn't afford to go with him because i can't afford it, i have no job, i can't even afford to renew my passport let alone afford a holiday around the world so he went alone, what else could i do? steal a car and sell it? no that's not me at all i couldn't do anything apart from watch my relationship fade away as he was so far away from me, we tried to stay in contact via email and phone but it got harder and harder. my family? i don't think i can say i have a family, i have 2 half sisters that i no longer talk to, their lives are perfect they have jobs have university, one of them has a boyfriend and was expecting a baby, a family, why can't i have that "perfect life" ? i grew up in foster care, unwanted, i was taken from my mother at a very young age of 3 i grew up with total strangers not having a solid parents to love or to care for, and when i finally find out that i have brother and sisters i see that they have much better lives than me, why? why me? what did i deserve to have a shit life like this? i don't really like talking about my father, he is simply a bastard, i have at least 10 half brothers and sisters because he has slept around with so many woman, and he still does, even now, on top of that he has abused me, after so long not knowing who we was for all my life i finally get to know him and what does he do? put his hand down my top! that's what he does! a father of all sorts! no wonder why my mother rips up photos of him, and family photos of when i was a baby and my mother holding me, thats all you can see in the photo, the rest has been ripped away, just like our family has been ripped away, my life has been ripped away, no wonder why my mother doesn't want to talk to him at all, hell we don't even care if he was dead or alive, he is simply a fat bastard and not even my half sisters care about him because he's caused misery in their lives. i lived with foster parents that were abusive, they used to beat me and push me down the stairs, shout abuse at me, lie to my social workers to cover theirs backs, i would run away from them but i was always sent back because the police would send me back, i hated that place, and because of them i hated jamaican people, sorry but that is how i feel about them and my hate for them still remains, i'm black myself so it's not all about race just them in particular and what they did to me, they ruined my secondary school years (all what you americans call high school) i never did well in my exams G.C.S.E.S because i was always worrying about other problems, i did have close friends in school that sometimes i would stay at their houses because i was too afraid to go home to my evil foster mother. when i ran away i was sexually assaulted at 11-12 years old, i felt scared and didn't know what to do at the time, i remember that day i was in sandals and only had a short and t shirt, i had walked miles away from home and had nothing to eat, i was walking the streets very late at night and this man offers me to stays at his house, why did i go to his house? i was only young so i didn't understand. he sexually abused me and left me there, he gave me £5 and i ran off the next morning, he took away something, a part of me, my virginity, i will never be able to share that moment with my first love, i felt dirty after, and it felt strange at the time because i didn't know what it was, i was so young back then, i never told anyone i kept it to myself all those years, i thought nothing can be done about it, after all i was living with abusive foster parent's the last thing i wanted to talk about is being sexually abused. i think what happened to me at 11-12 years old has messed up my relationships then and now, i feel men are total bastards, they don't know what love is, i never really truly experienced true love properly or was i just really locking it away deep in my heart? all my relationships i've had in the past have been a total failure because i cannot enjoy sex properly i cannot feel love like i should, sorry guys i know you may feel offensive by what i say about you guys but this is how i feel, men have not treated me no better, it has always been hard to keep a stable relationship, it's different with my best friend of 5 years though because he is gay, but sometimes i feel like a rock when it comes to an relationship i just don't open up me feelings a lot, i always like to hold them in, i guess it's because i believe no one can help me, no one understands me at all, it's just how i feel. again, at that time living with her i would spend a lot of time with the pet cats or outside, if i stayed in the house it would be constant screaming arguments anger physical abuse, there was other foster kids apart from me who lived there and they got the same abuse of being beaten up and locked up verbal abuse, how could this woman be allowed to look after foster kids like that? i eventually got out of that place and moved to another home where my second foster mother looked after me very well she got me a job i did family well in college and i started to get friends i had brothers and sisters who i loved and felt like they were my own brother and sisters, we were so close, but alas the love and happiness was short lived, my foster mother wanted to move to another country, to ghana to be precise, she asked me if i wanted to go with her but i said no because i was scared of living in another country so i stayed in england and eventually moved into a bedsit by myself, i still went to college but that's when my depression kicked in. i didn't meet my mother again until i was 16 years old which is the time i moved into the bedsit, it caused all kinds of problems because she has so much she wanted to say but at the same time social workers had warned me about her "temperament" and her peace of mind so i was careful, when i met my mother after 13 years i felt she was a stranger, and i had met her all over again, i grew up without having a real mother so long i forgot how it felt to have one. the pressure of me trying to get to know my mother again really got to me because she would sometimes act very strangely constantly talking about the social services causing bodily harm to her and how she would think that they are constantly watching her every move. it got worse over the years, when i went to her home a few years later it wasn't much of a home, there is no carpets no furniture, she that's thrown them all away due to "contamination" she constantly washes herself and her stuff, she threw all her clothes away apart from the clothes on her back and carries out of her stuff in bags because she doesn't trust her home at all. shes been admitted to a place for shrinks before for a few years, i don't think that has helped her piece of mind at all, i remember when i was a small child of 8 visiting her at one of these places, it smelt like sick and despair, the only fun time i remember when i visited her there was playing ludo and always beating her anyways so back to my bedsit, so i was 16 when i moved into there and i started to harm myself, like slit my wrists and just sit in a corner and cry and just constantly cutting myself i did had a boyfriend at the time but he was a player and a cheat, i had a not so stable relationship with him for about 2 years before we went out separate ways, and i still think about what he is doing how even though he did cheat on me with other girls, yeah i know it sounds a bit strange. i don't know why i slit my wrists back then, i guess the pressure of my good foster mum leaving me and me being put in a place to take care of myself put a lot of pressure on me, she was the only thing good that i had in my life until it was taken away gosh i can't stop crying now because it's was true after all my childhood of pain, hell and fear, she really did brighten up my life and was very kind to me, why did i stay in this country and go to ghana with her? i guess i was just scared of being in another country or place i was unfamiliar with. she did visit me at the bedsit before she left for ghana and i said my goodbyes after that i never saw her again, i guess that's where my depression got worse but thankfully my life did get a bit better, this is when i met my best friend of 5 years. i don't want to go into much detail about him because there is so much twist about him too but basically we met out of fate or whatever you want to call it, i was introduced to him and at the time i was looking for escapism because of my bad boyfriend and i went to him, he was very nice to me, very laid back and seemed nice to have a chat to, we would stay up early hours of the morning chatting together smoking away and laughing, we would hang out a lot like going shopping together and stuff like that. eventually i did something i still regret to this day, i made a move on him we were lying in bed together one night after drinking heavily and i... but it didn't go too well, the next day he didn't want to talk to me, i felt bad about it and told him i was very sorry for what i did and i felt i approached him in the wrong way, he forgave me and our friendship continued, my so called boyfriend got jealous about me constantly hanging out with him but i didn't care anymore, he was hurting me inside. i later found out a few years later that my best friend was actually gay so it would explain how he felt strange when that thing happened all those years ago, i'm still surprised that we are still good friends even now, i always still feel safe around him and it doesn't help that he told me he wanted to live abroad, at first i said no and disagreed, but he was persistent about it and wanted to expand his career prospects as a singer so i he did go eventually no matter how much i didn't want him to go, i felt a part of me was ripped away, we were like brothers and sisters we were always together and it felt weired when he first left because i have no one else to talk to. as you can see here, my life has and is pretty much messed up, my depression over the years has gotton worse, i have attempted to hang myself but always backed out at the last minute, you see i am a strong believer of the afterlife and spirituality so i have a strong belief in reincarnation, i believe once i leave this body i will simply be born again into another life and forced to live my troubles all over again, for some reason i am supposed to go through all this mess and i don't know why? why can't i escape this mess, and why won't it end? why isn't my life perfect with 2.4 children, marriage and so on? why? just why? all i want is my soul to be in peace to have peace within myself but i will never get that will i? i will never get happiness only constant pain, each day i wake up it's the same thing over and over it gets very depressing living like this, in poverty with a little amount of money to survive on, eating the same generic food over and over, on top of that my rent in in arrears and i have no way to pay it, i have no one to help me, the only thing that stupid people on the phone said to do is call the citizens advice bureau, WTF are they going to do? tell me to call a solicitor that i can't afford? tell me all that it's going to be ok? BS it ain't going to be ok! i'm going to be homeless! and you don't give a shite! you dam snobs who swim in money and don't have a finical problem to care about! lets see if you like living in poverty and see how you like living like a tramp each day! and then you can wipe that stupid smile off your face! i've always wanted a big family like 6 kids a good husband but the more i see my future and what it brings i'm doubting that will ever happen, instead i'm just going to be a old woman who lives by herself and have my cat as company it feels depressing knowing that fact and that's why i want to end my life now so i don't have to go through the rest of my life living alone depressed, unwanted, ignored, not perfect, and so on. work? career prospects? i have no dreams, hopes or a future to care about at all, i can't get a job, no one wants to employ a low life like me, hell i can't even get a job cleaning up shit on the streets let alone a decent job, it frustrates me when my best friends constantly says to go to college and work and he has a perfect life in another country has future prospects as a singer goes out every night getting drunk with friends, has a steady relationship, yet again, i feel like a failure a nobody, i feel small like a ant that's ready to die and be squashed so i can erase my existence. anyways i hope typing this has got this off my chest, but the problems will still remain there, the back of my mind until another day, and another and another, there is no escape from this living hell, just no escape, what the point? why me? just why? i would feel kind of guilty of taking my own life because my closest half sister had lost so much of her family this year alone, a cousin, brother, another friend, all in the same year, it would probably kill her inside for her to loose me, but i don't want to keep living like this anymore, it's killing me inside like maggots eating into rotton flesh, it's either get rid of my pain or the pain of other will surface in their hearts for the rest of their lives, why is it such a hard decision? i know it might sound sick or disturbed to you but i am always thinking of way to end my life quickly so i don't feel a slow pain when i die, i just want it quickly over and done with, the chance to be free from my body of torment sometimes excites me, i've had out of body experiences before so i know how it feels to be outside my body, you just don't have a care in the world, you can move about freely and it feel so exhilarating! and you are so light aswell, i want that feeling forever to be free of pain to be in paradise, to not have to care anymore! why does this world have to be so evil, polluted, negative, greedy, why does there have to be so much... i just can't describe it.