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Near the end of the year...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citizen Insane, Dec 14, 2014.

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  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey guys, Kenneth / Citizen Insane here...

    I'm almost always active in chat, but I felt like writing on the forums again.
    Been a while since I've done that.

    Going through yet another rough time by the end of the year, this time it's a bit more complicated.

    I've been in a very toxic relationship with my mother and it took me a very long time to realize it. I'm 24 years old now, I'm ready to terminate all forms of contact with her.
    No more real life meetings, telephone conversations or whatever.
    I just can't live with myself knowing that there's a person out there whose sole purpose is to only create anxiety and headaches in my life and that I'm in a relationship with that person, who happens to be my mother.

    It might sound very very hard and I'm not sure if I should write this, but..
    The next time I will see my mother is when she has passed away.

    All the good memories are just gone like that. I can only see the absolute negative side of her now.

    Latest and final text message from my mother was this:

    ""Kenneth, you are goddamn lazy and you stuff yourself with shit (eating). And you are sick in your (censored) head and go to let yourself get hospitalized in a mental hospital forever and ever.
    Why don't you go and eat day and night, that is your single purpose in life. (censored) Fat (censored) moron.""

    She has said things like this before and even worse things in emails and text messages... But I don't know how to block her text messages, I'll ask my mental health worker tomorrow or someone else.

    For a long time, I could not see the truth. I just could not believe that the person who I once cared for, had changed this much. Either she has become mentally ill like myself... or she's just dead inside.

    That would explain a few things, it might run in the family.

    I'm just done. Life is too damn short for this kind of nonsense.

    I'll type/post some more tomorrow in this thread. I just needed to write this off for now.

    Ending this for now, with an excerpt from a song lyric. Artist: Blueneck - Song: Anything other than breathing - Album: King Nine (2014)

    we slowed down your breathing
    you sleep less uneasily

    ""i wont bother now
    i will mourn you then walk away
    it’s time that you slipped away
    showing that youre fake
    the shame

    you wont beat me
    i’m better now
    i will be the better man
    seems to me
    i’m best alone
    i’ll be breathing eternally""
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry about the situation with your mother. I enjoy seeing you in chat.
  3. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks AAA3330. :(

    I completely lost the plot .... just so clueless. It's 3:00 am now, I can't sleep. The past 7 days I've been having more nightmares and persistent suicidal thoughts.

    Especially now, since I live with my dad (since 2004) and he lost his job recently. :( He's out the country for now, but he was very depressed when he left. He even had suicidal feelings, my sister told me.
  4. stapleremover

    stapleremover Chat Buddy

    Hugs, Ken. I don't know what's wrong with your mother...that's just so wrong and horrible there aren't even words to describe it. Please hang in there. You are an absolutely wonderful person and I love talking to you in chat. This is a really rough time of year for most of us, I just want to sleep until the effing holidays are over. Let's please hang in there for each other.

  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sorry about having a mom like that. Does she treat your sister the same way
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I believe you are making a good decision. Having made a similar break with my family many years ago I know it is a hard decision but it sounds like it is the right decision. I can say that in the 30 years since I parted ways with my immediate family I have wondered a few times if it was for the best, but the odd incidental contact (like my mothers death 5 years ago when I did go up but ended up leaving prior to the funeral) has proven that it was the best decision and no amount of good will on my part will ever change the way they choose to be.

    Do what is best for yourself and get that toxic influence out of your day to day life if that is what you need to do and do not second guess yourself.

    Take Care and Be Safe
    - Ben
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How awful to read that final message. Ken you know I know you are a great person. I have family issues all the time because I have a huge family and sometimes it is best just to agree to disagree and leave it at that,take a break from conversing with them. It sometimes is just for the best. You know WE are here for you. I am sorry you are feeling so down and people are treating you this way, hugs hugs :hug:
  8. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks so much guys for your responses. :) I slept like 3 babies just now... knowing that there are people here that support me. ^___^

    I'm not sure if she treats my sister the same way... I think my sister is quite smart and she always lets people know where her boundaries/limits are.

    I have to agree with Ben / NYJmpMaster. In order to recover in a good way and move on in life sometimes bridges will be destroyed.
    I've also spoken to my mental health worker today and psychiatrist as well.... When I showed them the text messages my mother sent me, they were very shocked. Everyone agrees that I need a long break from this relationship. Also saying that it is way beyond the proportion of a normal conversation (messages) at this point.

    I guess life goes on... :)
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

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