Near The End...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keiran, Mar 21, 2011.

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  1. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I post on these forums all the time. People say it's good that I'm reaching out for help, like it's one step towards the end of this long road of depression. I've been like this way too long. Getting to talk to people about this helps.

    I don't like talking about this in person, and I don't know what it would be like talking to someone I don't know, but to definitely to my mom it's not something I like to do. Especially when she still talks to me like I'm 5. It pisses me off. I just walk away from her when she tries to talk about, it at all possible. Sometimes it's not possible anymore because of what has gone down.

    Wednesday night. Bottle of xxxx by the time dad noticed, if at all, it would be too late. I planned to take them Thursday morning. I was ready to end my life.

    Parents went to bed. I had them hidden. I grabbed them and was sitting at my desk with them. I was about to go put them in the car. Then, mom randomly walks out of her room. I had the door wide open. Stupid of me, I know, but if I didn't I probably wouldn't even have heard her come out. I threw the pills in my jacket's pocket, but she saw me.

    She made me show them to her. Instead of the usual soft emotional whatever the fuck talk, she yelled at me. She was tired of all of this, that it was one thing after another with me.

    Grounded I am, for long time I assume. I've asked how long I'm grounded, she said maybe I should start talking about what I was doing with the pills. She assumes I was taking it. I told her I was giving them to someone. She doesn't believe me.

    Earlier I had lied about a ticket that I got. Actually, my brother got the ticket, but it was my fault, dumbass seatbelt shit. Anyways, she read something on Facebook, I just said some bs which I don't think she really believed, but she took it and just said whatever. After all that mess with the pills, she had searched my phone, and found out I was lying about the ticket.

    Another thing to add to the list.

    Today, she decides she wants to clean out my closet. That shit has not been touched for who knows how long, and it's a complete mess. She always tells me I should clean it, but I don't. She would never to that herself. But, she did. She told me she cleaned out my closet, and right away I thought, 'Oh fuck.' And yep, she found my two lighters, my pipe, and a little weed I had left.

    There's another thing.

    I left to go somewhere right after she told me. Yes, I'm grounded, but it was with my brother, so I was allowed to go, since he's some perfect child. So she hasn't said anything to me about it otherwise.

    So multiply that all by probably 20 or so, and it'll equal all the things in my life that I've gotten in trouble for. It's just time after time.

    I fucking hate my life. I get in trouble for everything. All this bad shit just keeps happening to me.

    She knows I was going to take those pills. She won't believe my lies. But she should realize that yelling and screaming at me about it, only makes me want to take them more. I barely ever am home alone without my parents now, because of all of this, but tomorrow I have no school, dad is out of town, and mom is at work.

    It's an open wonderland. I don't know if I'll be able to resist xxxxxxxxx because I can't take one more god damn minute of this life.

    Chances are my dad probably took the pills or moved them so that I couldn't get my hands on them. I'm going to have to do something.

    Always getting in trouble...
    Don't go anywhere..
    No friends...

    I haven't left the house in months except for going to school, work, or somewhere with my brother. High school is supposed to be the greatest years of your life. You look back and remember all the good times you had with your friends. I don't have any of those. No friends or good times with friends. Nothing. When's it gonna be my turn?

    What I thought was going to be two paragraphs at the most, turned into this. I just sit her and start my post and then it never stops. But there is so much to say. One cannot describe all my troubles in two paragraphs, there has to be many many paragraphs, just like I have written here.

    I can't take this anymore. There are some things I know I will be missing out on, but at this point I really don't care.

    I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but if nothing good happens, it may be the end of the road.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Your mother yelling at you was so unwarranted, but she is probably upset and frightened too...don't you wish people knew when to hug you? I sure do! Seems like when you are feeling bad, it just gets piled on...but one thing I do know, is that it does help to talk it there anyway, now that they know you are having problems to ask to talk to a counselor or therapist so that you have support to deal with this? Maybe if they know you were getting care, they could be more available to sorry things are so rough and please continue to post...big hugs, and also stay safe, J
  3. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Well like I said, its much easier to talk online rather than in person. I don't know what it is but I just can't talk in person and open up like that.
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm also unable to speak about 'it' in person. It might be because of the anonymity(spelling?) of the internet. What I say won't really have a physical effect on me in real life now would it? Plus my mum would probly start crying and say shit like "oh you could have told us!", dad just backs her up. By telling me that mums really stressing/worrying about me and shit(that's what he said 2 years ago when they found out I was cutting...) but it's like, shit mum i've been feeling like this for years, it's become the way I think. I've come to the point where I don't really think I can 'cure' myself of this crap. I mean sure, I guess it's like cancer. If you can get it early, you have a higher survival chance. But if you wait till it goes terminal and you got it fucking everywhere you're basically dead. At this stage, I might as well have bloody stage 4 rapidly progressing cancer, I'd probly survive longer if I did...

    I can't remember if you've been to a therapist and stopped going? Maybe talking to someone that you don't know may help? I don't talk to anyone I know personally(blood relatives/people I associate with) about my mental state, I've only ever talked to people over the internet about it. It's like a defense mechanism for me. If the people I have to spend my whole life around don't know my problems, they can't affect me. Because chances are, my siblings or someone would start saying shit about being an emo or commiting suicide. And in the event of that situation occuring, I can't be held accountable if someone ends up seriously injured.

    How's high school going for you? What grade are you in again? Last year ain't it? School for me is starting to turn into a fucking blender with it's lid off. With shit flying everywhere. I honestly couldn't be fucked going to it, but my parents want me to go to University for some degree(a stupid pipe dream of theirs). I'll probly end up dropping out by the end of the year(then i'll have to get a job god knows fucking where), or attempting suicide. Not much of a difference for me really. Bloody highschool is like a prison your parents decide to put you in to fuck your mind over. Then they go all "omg its such a tradegy" when someone ends up offing themselves. Like fuck, we're all gonna end up dead. For all I care I'll get shot for no reason walking to school, or get hit by a car(that's pretty likely).
  5. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Actually only a junior. I have never gotten worse than 1 C on a report card. This past one I believe I had 3 D's and my next one will come soon, ill have 2 D's I think.

    Anyways my weighted GPA is 4.2 or so, and unweighted its now down to 2.8. If I don't bring it up, I wont get Bright Futures(its a thing here in florida, pays for college, need to have at least 3.0 gpa) meaning I wont even be able to afford college. Money is tight with this economy we have right now.

    Anyways it wont matter. The example of the cancer thing is great because its true, I can't be cured either. Ill probably be dead before I get to college.

    And no, I've never been to a therapist or anything like that.

    Im tired. I just wanna rest in peace. My brother walked in while I was on here and I just opened a new tab. Unfortunately the title of this thread isn't very long so you can still see" Suicide Forum" at the top. Now he keeps asking me what's going on, and I keep saying nothing. He knows I had a problem before, but idk if he ever thought I was better or not.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2011
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    But aren't you like 17? Well I guess you guys have a different schooling system. I'm only classified as senior because I'm in year 11, even though the final year is 12.

    I got my first D - ever - last year. It was for Maths. It was full of really weird shit...and I have a maths exam on wednesday and I think I'll fail, LOL. So I'll end up transfering to one of the easier classes(I don't know why the fuck I went to my current one anyway). Apparently I'll do shit in Graphics too. But that class has become really crappy because my original teacher is on long service leave...and they got some fucking british guy that's a complete wanker to come in and fill in for him. Every lesson I have, he gets me to go to him at the front of the class and says shit about what I'm gonna do during the lesson....fucking hell....if I leave school and get a job life will be soooooo much becomes one big waste of time the longer you stick around. The whole situation of having to turn up to such a place everyday without even getting paid for the time you use is crap. The teachers always talk about 'well if you don't want to come to school, go out and get a job', uh the thing is, our parents do the whole "oh no, you're going to college/university blah blah blah blahhhhhh" and they basically refuse to enable us to 'resign' from schooling. I'm pretty sure you need a parents signature when you're leaving a school so they can't say "just go get a job then" if you don't want to turn up.

    Maybe you could say to your mum that you wanna go see a therapist or something? It might be good to talk to someone that doesn't have a 'regular interference' in your day to day life.

    I hate it when my parents or someone walks into my room....I just minimize the page or close it. Mind you, it probly looks really suss when ever mum comes in and I close the page and walk away from the laptop(I'm usually on here when I do that).
  7. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Well here a Junior would be the 3rd year of highschool, so grade 11. Senior is grade 12.

    I can't just transfer out of the classes im in. There's a new school built and they have so many rules that I've been suspended like 5 times over this year and last year. Usually for being late for classes....its so dumb. And my first year of high school I never got suspended once, cause I was at a school that actually made sense. No bs rules like this school has. Everyone who goes there hates it, but its about 2 seconds away from my house, so im outta luck.

    I really don't want a therapist or anything....I don't feel comfortable going in a talking to someone all the time, it just seems kinda weird.
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You know when ask so many would say I would go back to your age if I could, but not me, I remember what it was like at your age, although I got married and left home at 17, I remember the stress, the pressure your under at that age, its so hard when you dont know what life is going to be like, seeing everyone around you settle into something, talking about their futures.
    Its hard, and to deal with depression or whatever makes it even worse.

    Im sorry your mom was yelling at you but then again I can understand it, she may be at the end of her rope on what to do with you, if youve never felt depression or anxiety then you have no idea how that person feels, what its like to beat yourself up over and over again, she may not understand, and shes probably scared to death that shes failing you, just because we are moms doesnt mean that we know what to do, or have the magic words to make things better all the time, hell we learn about life as we go to.

    If I could give you any advice, it would be to work on your future right now, get yourself together, try out the therapy, if you cant talk to someone then put it all on paper (which is a type of therapy to me), just get whatever your pushing down out of your system, sit down and tell your mom this is how I feel, this is what Im thinking. If you want, tell me I will listen, holding in these emotions, these whispers is going to make you feel like noone can or will understand what you feel like, and you know what we dont unless you tell someone.

    Life is work to me, the work is never done, and if you let it it will start to pile up in the corner until it bubbles over into other parts of your life. Keep working at it and dont give up.
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