This will be a long post. Might need to split to multiple posts. I'm sharing because I have community here and people who care about me, but I do not have much hope that anything anyone may say will alter where I'm at. Actually I worry people might experience me arguing against helpful feedback, where the issue is, I have many years to understand better than I could ever explain why I've lost all hope. I want only to be understood.
My childhood was extremely difficult. As I know many people's were. My parents separated when I was 1, making me de facto an only child. I experienced a lot of emotional abuse from my mother, and my father was very distant, geographically and emotionally, he was not much involved in my life though I did know him until my late 20s.
My mother moved us so often that I went to 9 schools by time I finished high school. I was often bullied mercilessly as the new kid, especially in adolescence and teen years. I turned to drugs for relief.
After a suicide attempt at 18 I was studied in a hospital for 2 months, and subsequently told my IQ was off the charts, and as a result I would never have any peers, never make the sort of bonds that might help untangle horrible emotional wounds and stunted development, according to my heartless doctor. He advised permanent institutionalization to my parents.
I struggled through college, dropping out often, transffering schools, moved to where my dad lived to try to get to know him. Relationships were always unstable. I was tossed away by the love of my life and became terrified of women and to lesser extent men. Stopped trying to make friends, isolated, somehow managed eventually to get a degree, got work as a carpenter and later in software, where people with very poor social and emotional skills can be employable.
Having no real family and keeping my distance from my emotionally abusive mother, while my father got more and more distant until disowning me complely in my early 30s, I managed to marry a sociopathic woman on the autistic spectrum and found some slight stability inside an extremely toxic and emotionally barren marriage. It was, no joke, the most stable period of my entire life. I was able to build a career, become a manager, develop more friendships. But the marriage ate at me, we fought a lot, I could not get any sort of empathy, while working incredibly long hours to support us.
Then came the Boston bombings. I was right in the middle of the event. Called out some things publicly about the event and entered a world of trouble as a result. I cannot write more nor comment on this, other than to say, all the dysfunction and unresolved trauma in me suddenly flooded my entire system and I simply could not cope.
My father had died 2 years ealier -- I saw him on his deathbed for first time in many years -- and my wife soon left me. As soon as she did, my mother started showing dementia and I realized I was now without any family at all. It was the trauma that destroyed me. I lost my job at the time of the bombing, ostensibly over a fight about whether I could take a personal day right after the bombings.
I turned 40 right after the bombings, in 2013. This turning point, where I was suddenly unemployed, with no supports at all -- my circle of friend evaporated over about a year -- no family except my mother who could no longer track nor care about what was happening for me, and would die in 2016 -- fighting for 2 years to get on disability income.... I was so lost. My symptoms were severe and extreme, and I've written about them elsewhere. Also I was being doxxed and harassed regularly, given death threats, having my physical space violated. I could not regulate, could not function, was insanely hopeless and depressed and suicidal for a very long time.
Cutting to split his long entry into multiple posts...
My childhood was extremely difficult. As I know many people's were. My parents separated when I was 1, making me de facto an only child. I experienced a lot of emotional abuse from my mother, and my father was very distant, geographically and emotionally, he was not much involved in my life though I did know him until my late 20s.
My mother moved us so often that I went to 9 schools by time I finished high school. I was often bullied mercilessly as the new kid, especially in adolescence and teen years. I turned to drugs for relief.
After a suicide attempt at 18 I was studied in a hospital for 2 months, and subsequently told my IQ was off the charts, and as a result I would never have any peers, never make the sort of bonds that might help untangle horrible emotional wounds and stunted development, according to my heartless doctor. He advised permanent institutionalization to my parents.
I struggled through college, dropping out often, transffering schools, moved to where my dad lived to try to get to know him. Relationships were always unstable. I was tossed away by the love of my life and became terrified of women and to lesser extent men. Stopped trying to make friends, isolated, somehow managed eventually to get a degree, got work as a carpenter and later in software, where people with very poor social and emotional skills can be employable.
Having no real family and keeping my distance from my emotionally abusive mother, while my father got more and more distant until disowning me complely in my early 30s, I managed to marry a sociopathic woman on the autistic spectrum and found some slight stability inside an extremely toxic and emotionally barren marriage. It was, no joke, the most stable period of my entire life. I was able to build a career, become a manager, develop more friendships. But the marriage ate at me, we fought a lot, I could not get any sort of empathy, while working incredibly long hours to support us.
Then came the Boston bombings. I was right in the middle of the event. Called out some things publicly about the event and entered a world of trouble as a result. I cannot write more nor comment on this, other than to say, all the dysfunction and unresolved trauma in me suddenly flooded my entire system and I simply could not cope.
My father had died 2 years ealier -- I saw him on his deathbed for first time in many years -- and my wife soon left me. As soon as she did, my mother started showing dementia and I realized I was now without any family at all. It was the trauma that destroyed me. I lost my job at the time of the bombing, ostensibly over a fight about whether I could take a personal day right after the bombings.
I turned 40 right after the bombings, in 2013. This turning point, where I was suddenly unemployed, with no supports at all -- my circle of friend evaporated over about a year -- no family except my mother who could no longer track nor care about what was happening for me, and would die in 2016 -- fighting for 2 years to get on disability income.... I was so lost. My symptoms were severe and extreme, and I've written about them elsewhere. Also I was being doxxed and harassed regularly, given death threats, having my physical space violated. I could not regulate, could not function, was insanely hopeless and depressed and suicidal for a very long time.
Cutting to split his long entry into multiple posts...