nearing the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ash7614, Jul 15, 2009.

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  1. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    Every day i feeling a little bit emptier and a whole lot closer to committing..

    I've tried for so long and when i have a good run it just jumps back into my life determined to conquer me.
    And to be honest, all i want to do is let it.
    'It' being the suicide monster living in the closet of my mind.
    It won't let me close the door and it sits lurking in the dark waiting to pounce, and when it does... well that's the end.
    Spose the only way to explain how i feel is with this metaphor.

    every day i feel more and more emotionless about suicide and the effects it will have on those around me.
    the more i think about it the more my mind becomes a vacant room. Everything still and undisturbed. That's how i'm seeing the result of my death.

    I wake up unsure if today will be the day.
    I then oblige to my duties and wake up the next morning disappointed in my lack of action and dread the tedious hours ahead with a constant death wish leeched on to my every move and thought i make.

    I ponder on whether i should make a final thread or message, but i know that when i do go through with it there will be no last words from me.
    The world will be mute and I will fade out in silence..

    The world will remain a vacant room.. undisturbed by my departure.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    It might help to just find something that you can do to distract you from your thoughts something that you really enjoy even find something new to spend your free time doing. Also have you seen a doctor and therapist? Maybe meds will help you. They have worked wonders for me for the most part. If you want you can PM me if you need to talk to somebody about this. :hug:
  3. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    I've been on meds for 6yrs. I cut down on the effexor and epilem before stopping all meds in january because i was tired of always being on something and wanted to try it drug free.
    I see my psych every week and he wants me to try new meds but i'm so hesitant.

    I'm tired of trying
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't be hesitant please. It is the depression that has control of you now It is the clouded thinking that has control. With new medication you can get the control back in your life that you want and need. There are new medications coming out all the time. Try them you deserve to be happy You deserve to have your life back free from the depression thoughts Please try.
  5. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I agree with mary. There really is so much more you could do. I know you said you don't want to try anymore but maybe you could just try a little while longer. Maybe you'll find something that truly helps you. You could even set tiny goals for yourself. Like start by saying I'm going to kep going until a certain date and when that date comes around make a new date to keep going to. slowly making them longer periods of time and in that time try out new meds and you might find the one that gives you happiness back in your life.
  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I don't know if you are on meds or not, but if you get on the right ones then you will feel better. I go back and forth with the idea too. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with the others, that meds can take the edge off.. But you also need some form of therapy to learn how to cope..I've been seeing mine for four years..I'm on a gegiment of meds for the different problems.. I take five different meds..The combination has kept me stable for some time now.. You can live a fairly normal life by doing this..I still have a long ways to go..But I won't give in to my SI..It would take something major to trigger me to try to commit again..
  8. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    I've tried so many methods.
    The goals. The meds. The hospitals. Out patient. Change of environment. Countless councilling programs.

    It all comes back to the same point.

    There may be something out there that is right for me but i've spent so many years searching for it and i don't think i'm prepared to keep wasting my time feeling like the world would be no different if i were gone but i'd finally feed my suicidal monster what it wants.

    Is it worth living a life wishing you were dead?
  9. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Yes, life is always worth living. You may think tomorrow will be the same today, but you can never be sure. Things could get better, something good may happen and you don't want to lose that chance.
    Life can be a bitch and its unpredictable but if you have the strength to hang on you will find good from it. I know what I say will sound crazy and you won't think the same way as me, but I was in the same position, until I found the guy of my dreams. Now he is supporting me and he is the best thing that will ever happen to me.
    I hope you can find something to help you through the dark time.
    Take care :hug:
  10. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    Thanks for all your words of wisdom.

    I'm going to give the new meds a go. Hopefully it won't be for another 6 years.

    I know that i'm never going to be "cured".. we all know that's it's something that will never be defeated but if i can come to a state of control then that's more than i could hope for. I'm just looking for even the slightest bit of relief.

    I've just got to try not to anything dumb in the mean time.

    Really thanks.

    I love being able to come on here and get more back from people who can empathise.

    I hope that i can someday be as helpful to others on here.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am happy you will try new meds there are so many new ones out there. Let us know how it works out okay. Good for you for trying
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