Nearing the last straw...

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To my Mother and Father;

Why did you have to ruin my life before it began via bringing my worthless self into this wretched life of misery and corruption... I read the brochure while I was in your womb, mother and I haven’t seen anything that was on the brochure, so far and it’s been 16 years, 16 years of being a complete failure to you and everyone else that has ever stepped foot onto this planet. You and my father lied to me, conned me into existing so I could ruin the lives of many, making everything more complicated than it already was, you knew that I would never be able to lead a life full of happiness, joy, love, trust and everything else in the package that the brochure so clearly described.

I’m not able and I never was able to be the second son that you always wanted, I was way off-track before I was born, keeping you up till 3:30 AM just so you could give birth to someone as worthless and pathetic as me. I scarred your life, as well as my brothers and fathers life, when I was first able to walk and talk, that took a good three years or so for me to do as well. I put you through the worry that youy son might be a decrepit mute… all for what purpose?

I’m nothing now and I never will be, my existence is pettier than you could ever imagine… No one even wants to pay a single interest in me or nor do they want to get to know me, not even a single soul… They must have always been aware about how much of a failure I would, how weak I would grow and how pathetic I would be.

Have you any idea what it feels like to see two of your best friends on the edge; a brilliant couple… The boyfriend discovers that his girlfriend has been committing adultery with him while he was asleep…the boyfriend had anger-management problems and failed to deal with it sensibly… He killed his girlfriend with a knife, right in front of my own two eyes while I was round his house and he damn well threatened to kill me too… sadly he meant it half-heartedly… instead… he pushed the knife into his chest resulting in him ending up in a coma for around 4 – 5 weeks but the girlfriend… she was long gone… They were both 13 and I was 8… I was scarred for life.

I was bullied, mentally and physically at School for 6-7 years ever since then as I just couldn’t go on, I grew so weak and I damn well got so fat too, I was clinically obese yet I had never been diagnosed by the Doctors… I just kept eating and eating… waiting and praying for all the pain to go away, it never did… It’s still here.

I also tried to kill myself when I was 8... Yes, mother, father, three times when I was 8, yes, I hated my life so badly that I wanted to end it, there and then. That ‘trend’ has continued throughout the rest of my life, last week I cut myself up to 9 times on my left arm, just to watch my sorry arse bleed.

I lost another dear close friend when I was 15, mother and father… He was a victim of the atrocious July 7th bombings in London in 2005… I never told a soul, not even you.

That just increased my suicidal thoughts, my depression… everything that I was already suffering from at the time so I was cutting myself everyday; my stomach, my chest, my arms and my legs, wishing my measly life away… My wish never came true.

My punctuality and attendance was appalling to do the bullying, all the depression and rage that I had filling up inside of me… I even ended up lying to you about me feeling sick just so I wouldn’t have to go to School, of course that led to you arguing with my father and only increasing your own depression… We almost got fined multiple times; by the Government too, did I care? No.

I didn’t want to go to School nor did I ever want to tell anyone about what has happened to me - the bullying, the death of two close friends and the attempted suicide of another.

I ended up staying in my room for almost 4 – 5 months, never emerging out of it and even when I did, it was for food and drink. I kept myself busy with computer games, television, music and the fact that my life wouldn’t continue for much longer.

Every New Years Eve, birthday of mine, Christmas Day, my heart was never really there… I just wanted to cry and cry for hours on end, avoiding everyone because I thought no one would ever be able to understand what I was going through. You’d say “Happy New Year!” on each New Year, with a glass of champagne in your hand… I’d just run away.

I failed my GCSE exams and my coursework as a result of everything that I had been through and everything that I had done… I was deemed a failure and I always will be.

I met a girl in Norway after the exams… the first girlfriend I had in years… She used me and left me… Just like everyone has… Every girlfriend that I’ve ever had has either used me, left me for no reason or cheated on me… It looks like that’s changing now… I have someone… someone very special… hopefully I won’t end up doing something as stupid as losing her…

In January 2007, I went to a Counsellor/Psychiatrist and I was diagnosed Bipolar, what luck I have… manic luck… they never told me type… I guess they never wanted to worry me… I assume it’s the worst…

I lost another friend shortly after I was diagnosed… she killed herself after drinking too much and stabbing herself.

I’m going off-track… as usual… I covered most of it in that song I wrote... I’m going to end it here, not my life… I’m too much of a coward to do that and I actually have things going right for once… I made a promise too… that I’d never leave the person that I’m with now, I’m not going to break it, ever… hopefully she knows who she is and how much I love and care about her… She’s quite literally the light of my life… the only thing that makes me happy.

End of Rant/Vent.
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Nuri, My heart cries out for you and all the pain you have suffered in your short lifetime. I lost friends to suicide when I was young, too. The first I witnessed was when I was 3. Oddly enough, I did know what was going on, but could not talk him out of it. He was a relative. Father of 6 children. Somethings you never forget, although you wish the images weren't so firmly planted in your mind. There were others, but this is not my thread so I won't go into that now. I wish I knew what to say that could bring you comfort, but I don't. I do know that I am glad you were born. I am glad I have had the chance to get to know you here, even under the circumstances that bring us all together. I hope things work out between you and your girlfriend. She is very lucky to have found you. Please take care. Stay safe. Remember that you can always PM me if you need to talk, or just want to say hi. :hug:

My heart aches at the pain you have been through in such a short time of life. I do not think you are a burden or a mistake. I don't think that you deserved any of the shit that you have been through. Callum, the sheer fact that you are still standing, whether you feel like being here atm or not, proves how strong you are, how brave you are and how needed you are on this planet. You are going to do so much good in this lifetime, I just wish you could see it. All you want in life is to make people happy, but what about you Callum?? You need to be and deserve to be happy to. You are like a little brother who I just want to hug and kiss on the cheek and tell you it'll be okay, but the truth is the world is not perfect, the world is full of assholes and people out their just to hurt others and I wish I could shelter you from that. Just think of all the positives you want to do, you want to set up that benefit concert, you want to make people's lives better, you want to take care of Rae and her sister, even though you don't have to but you WANT to, because you have so so much love to give. Callum, the type of person you are whether you see it or not is a special and unique person, shit callum you told me if you ever became rich you'd send me money so Dylan didn't have to suffer. A worthless, pathetic person WOULD NOT think of things like that, but you did which proves you are none of the negative things you think of yourself. Callum, please know that I am always, and I mean always here for you whether you just want to vent or even if you want to cry, I know you don't atlk much on skype but I am willing to listen. After all thats what brothers and sisters do. Love you always C.

Your Bigger more obnoxious sister :)
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