At this stage of my life, I have to honestly say I have never been so close and determined to end my life. The scariest part is - while I have had suicidal episodes before, and actually tried once (very close, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks) - it is the first time that I don't feel anything strong enough can hold me back, and that by reaching this point it has taken over a decade and lots and lots of setbacks one after another that I don't see an end of my plight. My life began to take the wrong turn when almost a decade ago - it began with a messy breakup/divorce, which screwed me up for a long time, then about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with leukemia; it's called CML (you can look it up), I was told it was manageable and put on therapy, but then it really triggered a lot of angst and set off my old manic depressive problem (never on meds); I turned totally self destructive and was very aggressive at work; got laid off 2 years ago, then tried to embark on some business projects but because I had totally un-manageable mood swings and was also managing a lot of the side effects of my leukemia meds, nothing came out of it. I lost some money, but more importantly I upset and lost a few close friends. And finally earlier this year I felt I was getting back on track - I had a few projects on the pipeline but all but one came close to being materialized, and the one that seemed to have any hope of success now has also just been halted. I am 42, single, no kid, father long dead and my mother has alzheimer, can't recognize me and live at a home, my elder brother has his own family and we are never close, career at a dead end, probably unemployable, and have a long term disease that even though is "manageable" I can also relapse anytime. I am a walking time bomb. What is there to live for.. for someone like me..