Nearing the Point of No Return

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by pug, Dec 14, 2012.

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  1. pug

    pug New Member

    At this stage of my life, I have to honestly say I have never been so close and determined to end my life.

    The scariest part is - while I have had suicidal episodes before, and actually tried once (very close, ended up in hospital for 2 weeks) - it is the first time that I don't feel anything strong enough can hold me back, and that by reaching this point it has taken over a decade and lots and lots of setbacks one after another that I don't see an end of my plight.

    My life began to take the wrong turn when almost a decade ago - it began with a messy breakup/divorce, which screwed me up for a long time, then about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with leukemia; it's called CML (you can look it up), I was told it was manageable and put on therapy, but then it really triggered a lot of angst and set off my old manic depressive problem (never on meds); I turned totally self destructive and was very aggressive at work; got laid off 2 years ago, then tried to embark on some business projects but because I had totally un-manageable mood swings and was also managing a lot of the side effects of my leukemia meds, nothing came out of it. I lost some money, but more importantly I upset and lost a few close friends.

    And finally earlier this year I felt I was getting back on track - I had a few projects on the pipeline but all but one came close to being materialized, and the one that seemed to have any hope of success now has also just been halted. I am 42, single, no kid, father long dead and my mother has alzheimer, can't recognize me and live at a home, my elder brother has his own family and we are never close, career at a dead end, probably unemployable, and have a long term disease that even though is "manageable" I can also relapse anytime. I am a walking time bomb.

    What is there to live for.. for someone like me..
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum. I hope you'll give us a chance to at least offer you support and friendship if you need it. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever feel like talking.
  3. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    I'm struggling very hard with the very same "What is there to live for.. for someone like me.." myself. But I wanted to say hello and welcome. There are some very nice folks here that will listen and perhaps they can point you and me in the direction of the answer.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi pug, I am glad you have found SF and am very sorry to hear of your troubles - we are a caring bunch of folk on here, to support and offer encouragement. Life does present us with trials, for sure - and we do have choices as to how we think about them.
    I think the prayer of St. Francis is still very applicable - and timeless "Give me the grace to accept what cannot be changed, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

    I know it's horrid, even when we are open to that, about the things which cannot be changed, and that's why the opportunity is always there to come into an understanding of Grace. I appreciate that might not make a whole lotta sense first up - and appears too obscure - but it is an option to consider honey - and I found it to be the way out for me

    Can always write more about it if you'd like, or PM :)
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