Nearly 1 year clean and I want to give in

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by prettylies, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. prettylies

    prettylies Member

    I struggled so terribly with cutting for about 4 years of my life, I did it on a daily basis nonstop for years. It felt like something i would never stop doing and I never thought I would. After I stopped cutting I started hitting myself with a hammer and leaving awful bruises which helped me forget about it but I stopped doing that as it became noticeable and I couldn't tell people. I've gone without hurting myself purposely for a while. But now in October I will be an entire year clean from cutting which is unbelievable to me.
    It seems the closer it gets the stronger the urges get... I want to give in so badly. I think about it constantly and I try distracting myself but there's only so much I can do. It always comes back. I have scars everywhere from it and I don't think they'll ever go away, I look at them and get so upset that I caused them and it's just a constant reminder. I would feel like such a failure if I gave in to cutting but it's really all I want to do is have that relief again because I have yet to find anything that gives me that. The urge is always there and I'm so tired of fighting it. I don't want to give in. I don't know what to do. Why do I want to hurt myself so much
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Simple you do not know how to cope with what you are going through. For you to have hurt yourself so much, you must have been through a hell of a lot.

    Hello Prettylies, I am Mox

    Hello and thank you for joining us at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. The more you share the more we can help you. I invite you to read my personal story below in green. Just know you are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here is battling his/her own demons. You are among friends. No one will ever insult you or ridicule you for any reason; that BS is not tolerated here. We will give you emotional support and lots of hugs. If you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself that you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. The help you deserve. We want you to be SAFE. If you are having a bad day or if you are upset do not hesitate to reach out to someone here at SF and we will help you the best way we can.
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    What a coincidence-only 2 days ago I spoke with someone who had the same habit. What follows is my feedback based on personal experience. I hope that you find it useful . . . .

    Don't know if I would call mine a story-but I do have some knowledge about cutting. My description of the act is that it is a method of experiencing feeling in a manner that the cutter can control. Typically the cutter is a person who has learned to block out feelings because when they focus in on their feelings they are terrified of them-they're afraid that their deep feelings are so powerful that if they get in touch with them they will be completely overwhelmed and powerless. So they find an outlet for those deep, dangerous feelings-cutting. They get to have feelings and they get to be in control of their feelings for a change. Emotional feeling is too risky for the reasons I just mentioned-so they settle on physical feeling (pain) as an outlet of emotional expression.

    Most of the cutters I've known (and there have been many) have given up on feeling good years prior-they don't trust feelings of happiness when they arise, they think that there are strings attached to being happy and carefree. They only trust pain because that is all that has been true and real for them for most of their lives. The way out of a life of cutting is to go into the emotional part of the pain and work out the conflict there, before it becomes physical. In most cases, the emotional wound was inflicted when the cutter was very young with no ability to understand what was happening to them. Going back and viewing those events as an adult with a rational mind is extraordinarily helpful in resolving the compulsion to inflict physical pain on oneself.

    At its root it is about connecting to ones feelings in whatever form feels safest and having the ability to have feeling in small increments-having complete control over the when's, where's and why's. Control was not possible when the cutter was young so they felt powerless-they're simply trying to right that wrong in the best way they know how. Most of the cutters I've know went on to complete recovery by getting touch with their feelings of pain at the core-inside of the deepest part of their being, understanding where and how they got hurt, and learning how to heal their own emotional wounds as mature adults. My prayer is that this info is somewhat helpful to you, if not thank you for reading anyway. Good luck-LT

    lifetalkz, Yesterday at 9:56 AM Report
  4. Cathy

    Cathy Member

    I think what Lifetalkz says is true. Why do you want to start cutting yourself? Has something happened recently that makes you feel that way or is it because you are so focussed on it because it is almost a year ago? Perhaps instead of thinking about the cutting, you could focus on the reasons you stopped in the first place.
    I know that is easier said than done. But you don't want to have to start all over again.
    I hope you will feel better
  5. prettylies

    prettylies Member

    Thank you all so much. I never really thought about it but I guess the closer the date gets the more I think about cutting and that leads to me wanting it. I feel like I'm still stuck in the past, where I was really sick and struggling. I went through years of depression and it's hard to remember my life without that. I think about that time period a lot, the things I did to myself and thoughts I had and all the treatment I went through. All of that was somewhat traumatizing to me because that was the worst time of my life in so many ways.

    Now that I'm a bit more stable and I have goals for myself and a good future ( I hope ) it's still hard to let that part of my life go. Some parts of me still feel like I'm still sick. Everyday things seem like reminders of that and they trigger me and upset me and bring me back to that time in my life. I really want to let that go. I want to just be happy but it's so hard because I don't really know what that's like. I don't think I've ever been genuinely happy. Sometimes I want to slip and go back to the old me but I know I can't. It's really hard. I don't know what to with myself. I hope this makes sense. I'm just having a really hard time. I want to be a good person and I want to be happy
  6. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    I haven't cut myself in many years, but the thought has come up for me recently. I have no intention of acting on the thought as I wish I didn't do it years ago and wish I didn't have the noticeable scars. I don't know what relief cutting gives you, but for me the physical pain I inflicted on myself helped to relieve my mental anguish. It also made my pain more tangible and those wounds could be bandaged and heal.

    I hope that you are able to find better ways of dealing with your pain as cutting or other self harm isn't a good solution, as you know. If you drink or use drugs, I would suggest going to meetings for that and you may find you want to cut less the more you get support and get clean.
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I hadn't cut in years and started last year again when things got bad in my relationship. I'm so ashamed of myself for giving in. I haven't done it in months now because I simply don't want anymore scars. I think that reminding yourself of your "anniversary" date is keeping the idea present in your mind. Finding new techniques to deal with the desire is the only thing that helped me. It was usually giving my pets a lot of attention, going for a walk or meditating. I hope that you can find meaning for yourself and realize that going back to the "old you" is not being fair to yourself. Sometimes we are simply creatures of habit though. Maybe it's just an old habit that gave you comfort and that's what you are seeking now, comfort?