nearly 3 weeks since I failed

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Pebble, Apr 21, 2010.

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  1. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Its been nearly 3 weeks since I failed :sad: I hate that I am stil trying to fight! I spent the 1st week getting over side effects and recovering and then ever since have just spent the whole time trying to avoid thinking about any feelings or acknowledging the voices - an impossible task!! I'm back on my meds have been since trip to a & e as my mum gave me no choice and neither did the crisis team but they have not changed anything. I still spend every day fighting the suicidal thoughts and feelings and those voices they still come to haunt me. I'm sure they love just messing me up!! I am back at uni now and am trying so hard not to let anyone see anything but a happy me but it is very hard. I've only been at uni since sunday and I'm already struggling. Once my room door is shut I just crumble :sad: I can't talk to my family about it all as they just get angry. definatly cant talk to my cpn about how I feel as she doesn't even take me seriously - since my od she now thinks I have an anger problem - what a load of crap - the only reason I get angry is because she never helps. The one person I could talk to I cant and has let me down so much - I thought she was there because she cared and actually wanted to help but all she has done is completely ignore me. I never wanted to rely or need someones help but now I'm alone and have no where to turn I feel even worse and even more alone - I am so scared and just dont know how to conitnue life feeling like this - its not fair.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would talk to your doctor and get your medication increased tell him that the voices are not leaving and the suicidalt thoughts are still present. You have to be open so you can get the help that will stop all the symptoms. Can you not get a new cpn one that will listen to what you are saying.
  3. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    This is my 3rd Cpn - when I took my first overdose and got discharged from the local psychiatic hospital I had a male cpn, my main problem was not being able to overcome my last miscariage and he didnt have a clue, i couldn't talk to him about anything so changed to a female cpn, this women then just spent every session preaching about god to me - I have struggled with any faith since having the miscariages as its just felt too hard to believe there was someone above who would put you through that once let alone twice in such a short time so when I finished dbt and just before i started uni last sept i changed to another female cpn - the one i have now. at first it was ok but i didn't reallly say much and had other support so didnt need her but now she is my only support and she doesnt even understand me.I had app with her few days before took overdose and told her how i was feeling and that i spent most of my time just planning ways to get out of here but still after being in hospital when i had to see her again she asked me why i hadn't said anything and what could she have done to stop me!!she doesnt listen to anything i say even when i'm trying hard to open up so now when i'm in the apps i just cant say anything. my dr wont change my meds - she says its all my fault as i stopped taking them. I have spent last few nights googling suicide methods and watching clips of programmes to find another way, feel like i'm loosing it.
    sorry just ignore this post
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You don't need a Cpn preaching about God, that is not their job. Can you get another Cpn? I know it's hard to keep trying, just like it's hard to find the right meds and the right dose. Please keep trying. :hug:
  5. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    but doesnt it mean that its my fault - i'm the one not working as its now been 3 cpns that i've not been able to gel with. my dbt therapist was brilliant - i have seen a few councellers and cpns now but she is the only one person i was ever able to be honest with and feel like i could get support when things were unbearable - she knew and knew how to help me. I asked when i finished dbt if she could be my new cpn but she said because of dbt that she couldn't but would still be there if i needed support - but shes not, it turns out that i am not allowed to contact her at all for support unless i speak to her when she is the duty worker for a day but you never know when that is. after my cpn just said how i was feeling was 'sad' and i felt desperate i wrote my old dbt therapist a letter asking for help - i've never heard from her, i have just come to truely realise that we are just a patient number on a page for them to quickly get through the system and out of the way :-(
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    The system manages by number and that is when we are a number, but, we are people and we need to do the people thing and keeping asking for a new worker until you find one that helps you.

    Of all the therapists I've been to, only two of them were helpful for me. The others were good for other people but not me.

    That's why I like coming here, because I'm understood here. Also, I can get suggestions to try and encouragement to keep trying.

    I hate having to keep trying, I hate that my family does little tap dance acts to make me laugh. Coming here to post has been most helpful.

    Please keep coming here as you keep trying. Please share the good and the bad. This is how we help each other.
  7. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply :hug: families never seem to understand even in the slightest. Hopefully in future generations mental illness will be more accepted and understood - my dad just acts ashamed of how i feel. I try to post on here to be helpful but worry so much about saying the wrong thing or not being helpful that i get too scared to post sometimes - sorry i'm not a very good member. Everyone on here has been so supportive when i've been finding things really hard, i hope i'm able to help some of you too if you ever need it.
    I may speak to my dr when i see her next about not having any support from those around me who are meant to help thats if shes in a good mood with me x
  8. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I hated this feeling while i was in uni. depression knocks on everyone's door. just hang on there and don't o'd again.
  9. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    peeble, if you dont get on with your cpn then change. ive had 4 and never bonded with any of them. thankfully ive got a psychiatrist who is briliant and is so much better than the cpns. Perhaps you need more than what a cpn can offer. All they really do CBT nothing more deeper than that. And by what Ive read Peeble you need someone who knows some deeper psycholoy than a cpn.

    Im not knocking cpns as they do help alot of people but they can only go so far. If you dont get on with or know your not getting anything from talking to your cpn then your just going to carry on with being ill.

    Please tell your gp whats happening or write to your gp explaining what you feel. I truely hope you get the correct help,
    god bless donnaxx
  10. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much donna, I just wish I could ask - Sometimes I want some help and want to get better and know I cant get anywhere near feeling better with my cpn but I'm so worried about what they will say or what anyone will think that I cant ask anyone. They will all just think its my fault and that I'm not trying but I have been trying. I've tried blocking out feelings and thoughts especially since last OD, I've tried drinking to get past feelings but feel worse, I've tried being more positive and be who everyone wants me to be but I feel like a ticking time bomb but dont even know who to turn to anymore - there is no one I can talk to. If i'm not happy when i talk to my dr she just gets disapointed and annoyed = last time she said it was my fault i felt how i did. it'l be a miracle if i make it to end of my 1st year at uni - i am drowning and dont have the energy to keep trying to swim anymore. I stood at the kitchen sink with the kettle above my hand just pouring it, it felt like nothing. I'm running out of ways to feel something. dont you think my cpn will hate me if i ask for someone else?I've just been thinking about just not bothering to go there anymore or ask for help from any of them
    I dont know if I can keep trying at uni if this is always how it'l be
  11. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    peeple, im so, so sorry for not getting back to you. Ive had a bit of a bad few days and not able to come onto the forum.

    Now, I think you should write a letter to your mental health team where your cpn is based and ask for a referral to another cpn. Explain why-you dont feel your getting any where with the one you've got. I know its so hard and your not in the correct frame of mind but your entitled to have a mental health person. We are too often just pushed to the side forgotten, just a statistic, BUT HEY, WHERE HERE-HELLO-SEE ME!!!!

    Try also to send your dr, or even if you have a group of dr's a letter through the post and explain how your feeling.
    Do you only have a cpn? do u have a psychiatrist?
    donnaxx keep ur chin up xx:girlpower
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