I am writing this expecting nothing, I don't think anyone can do anything but I figured I'll post anyway. Very long story short, I get this si the wrong place to ask this but w/e. I am very sick and my physical pain has reached a level that I can no longer cope with. I tried too many things and nothing is helping and the medicinal system is useless and not taking me seriously (live in Canada). Every day is more difficult then the other. No one really cares, my parents "care" as in they get pisses when I mention how sick I get but ofc if I was to kill myself they would possibly feel sad but thats not caring, that is a selfish feeling. My doctor would probably be glad that to not have to deal with me anymore and then theres this other nurse mentor that I seek on a weekly basis that might think "meh, guess he wasn't faking it after all" Yeah I dunno what to say really, I dont see the point in explaining this further because "this isn't a place for medicinal advises and gotta protect yourself from the FDA" I have no reason to fight any longer, the world would not be a better or a worse place if I wasn't here and the truth is I dont matter. This would be so much easier if I was just feeling unworthy, depressed, w/e but thats not it. I cant get to kill myself because I wanna live so badly lol, contradictory to suicidal isnt it? I just cant stand living like my body is on fire on a constant basis, my body just move by itself and every muscle, nerve and cell in my body is inflamed, hurting and spasming. There only one more therapy that I look forward to in February and since every else failed miserably i dont expect this to be any different. I even resorted to water fasting which I did for 3 weeks a year and 3months ago and it didn't help me and back when i was in a much better shape. now if I try to fast, ALL my symptoms gets worse and I get terribly sick, spasms, fever, chill. Honestly I would be okay if people told me to do just let myself go. What scares me is not death but that somehow god/life/universe will punish me for trying to end my misery and that I'll reincarnate in a worse and more diseased body, since i dont believe death is the end, i have no faith, in anything anymore, I have given god countless opportunities to show me it cared and it doesn't. Despite having tried harder then I could potentially imagine, here I am sicker then ever, its more likely just going to go from hell to pure darkness, why not just end it while I can still control my body ?