Need a good reason to keep living this hell.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Renegade, Dec 20, 2015.

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  1. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    I am writing this expecting nothing, I don't think anyone can do anything but I figured I'll post anyway.

    Very long story short, I get this si the wrong place to ask this but w/e. I am very sick and my physical pain has reached a level that I can no longer cope with. I tried too many things and nothing is helping and the medicinal system is useless and not taking me seriously (live in Canada). Every day is more difficult then the other. No one really cares, my parents "care" as in they get pisses when I mention how sick I get but ofc if I was to kill myself they would possibly feel sad but thats not caring, that is a selfish feeling. My doctor would probably be glad that to not have to deal with me anymore and then theres this other nurse mentor that I seek on a weekly basis that might think "meh, guess he wasn't faking it after all"

    Yeah I dunno what to say really, I dont see the point in explaining this further because "this isn't a place for medicinal advises and gotta protect yourself from the FDA" I have no reason to fight any longer, the world would not be a better or a worse place if I wasn't here and the truth is I dont matter. This would be so much easier if I was just feeling unworthy, depressed, w/e but thats not it. I cant get to kill myself because I wanna live so badly lol, contradictory to suicidal isnt it? I just cant stand living like my body is on fire on a constant basis, my body just move by itself and every muscle, nerve and cell in my body is inflamed, hurting and spasming. There only one more therapy that I look forward to in February and since every else failed miserably i dont expect this to be any different.

    I even resorted to water fasting which I did for 3 weeks a year and 3months ago and it didn't help me and back when i was in a much better shape. now if I try to fast, ALL my symptoms gets worse and I get terribly sick, spasms, fever, chill. Honestly I would be okay if people told me to do just let myself go. What scares me is not death but that somehow god/life/universe will punish me for trying to end my misery and that I'll reincarnate in a worse and more diseased body, since i dont believe death is the end, i have no faith, in anything anymore, I have given god countless opportunities to show me it cared and it doesn't. Despite having tried harder then I could potentially imagine, here I am sicker then ever, its more likely just going to go from hell to pure darkness, why not just end it while I can still control my body ?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2015
  2. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I'm not a doctor so no I can't medically offer any help , but im sorry your living in what seems to be chronic pain at a young age . I deal with migraines and there are days when I have said I can't take this anymore and I'm sure that's not even half of what it is you are going through!
    You said there is some type of treatment in Feb you are looking foward to ? Well give yourself that to look forward to .

    I have been dealing with suicidal ideation all my life and I give myself dates to get to .. So even if you have to set small goals each week getting to the treatment in Feb it's a start.

    In the meantime here is a great place to talk and also , you didn't mention what it is you have ... But there may also be groups for people going through the same thing ?
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Massive pain is a horrible thing to deal with and I know it is hard when you can't get anyone to believe or listen to you. Forget water fasting - its a really bad idea and there is no way it can help. I really hope that the treatment in February helps - you just have to keep advocating for yourself. I know its hard when nobody wants to help, but you have to keep at it, keep shouting, keep reminding people you are not going to go away until someone helps you.

    Take care and stay safe.
     
  4. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    The treatment im looking forward to is medicinal grade marijuana CBD oil to be precise and nothing to do with the high of THC.

    I have a long list of symptoms, it started with SEVERE digestive problems and severe fatigue, where I was able to exercise 3 times a week to feel like 80yr old man almost over night. I tried all kind of diets, I have joined countless facebook group and sought advices over and over, I tried so many things, wasted so much energy trying to learn everything about diets and every possible symptoms, vitamins, minerals, I was always had a huge passion for the health field even before getting sick and despite all my best effort, I cant get any relief, sure my diet helped a lot with the digestive distress but then I started to get VERY bad neurologically. My neurons feels like they are on fire, whenever I try to rest I get spasms in my neck and head, its like I have this huge pressure that wants to collide and it sparks a spasm every 5seconds, sometimes it can spasms longer to where it feels like I am about to get epilepsy.

    I can't rest, I cant sleep i cant relax and the more i live the worse it gets, my nerves all over my neck and ears feel like they are on fire, I can actually hear my nerve clap when i let on the pillow, One thing I had a sleep paralysis episode and at the same time of a spasm episode except this time since i was in a sleep paralysis i couldn't stop it, because the only way to stop my spasms is to give up trying to rest which drivers me insane. I'm just telling you this to give you a perspective, it lasted about 45seconds. The problem is that even if i am flat out pass out, i will still spasm and not be able to sleep most of the time, I am so sleep deprived now that i am very sensitive to light and i just wanna smash my head against a pike. Thats really just some of my most horrible symptoms but theres a lot more.

    I was never able to fix my gut, only follow a diet that makes the symptoms the most tolerable and even at times it will flare up and i cant eat without a lot of pain and even not eating will make it worse. Nothing i have done was able to help the neurological pain except smoking pot and xanax but now pot seems to actually makes it worse and xanax i cant use for some time as I need to do a resting period n order to avoid withdrawal. I didnt take a single pain killer since i got sick because i used them too often in the past and in the past week i used them 3 times because im that bad. I even resorted to freaking alcohol which i know is horrible when you health is already so bad but i just want relief at this point and i dont have any faith to get some sanity back.
     
  5. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Why do you say forget water fasting, do you speak from experience? Have you tried it? When i first water fasted, it was tough mentally and physically because i had no energy, could hardly walk or stand up and i was constantly wanting food and i cannot deal with both of those insane stressors again and yet this time its flaring my pain even worse, my head is so fuzzy i see light all over the place and fogged.
     
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Water fasting deprives your body of nutrition - that is why you had no energy and could hardly walk or stand up. Your body needs food - it needs nutrition. Starving it is never a good idea.
     
  7. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    I get that, right now though i was resorting to it because i have no idea what else to do, im just hoping i can last long enough for feb and that my doctor can get me on some pain killers, narcotics or w/e that can numb this ridiculous pain. Also fasting works great for some when they arent too weak, but im definitively weak as hell right now. I've been trying to support myself with nutrition forever and aint getting anywhere, i feel like i might have a bigger issue of neuron toxins build up which i was hoping water fasting could help with.
     
  8. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your going through all that .. The pain sound horrible .. Like I said I deal with migraines and there are times I consider slamming my head into the wall cause it's just to much .. so constant pain ..would be just exhausting .. I hope in February things are able to help ..
     
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