Hello, i dont know from where to start; actually i've never went into suicide forums before, so ill just start writing for whoever is willing to read Im 23 years old; and i have been diagnosted with bipolar disorder 3 years ago, since i was 16 i've been suffering from suicidal thoughts; and depression, I have done 4 suicidal attempt, last one being yesterday at 15:30 I am usually a very happy person; for whoever sees me, i make people laugh; and i bring joy on everyone, for these past years i've been able to handle my depression; by taking anti depressants pills, and sleeping pills,; well actually it didnt do much for me, but at least i became from being too angry and suicidal to becoming like a zombie; i gave up on everything; and i began living day by day, waiting for something to happen. these past years i became lazier; i stopped doing any activities; i stopped any contact with people or friends; and especially after my brother leaving to finish his studies in another countries; i felt more alone (he was my best friend) my brother stopped calling or asking for me for the late 2 years; and so, i started to forget him bit by bit too. then comes this year; which by far was the best and worst year of my life; i registered in new school, and i met the person u wait for to come for all ur life, your "one", someone finally who can hold your hand when u are feeling like nothing; and all that c**p, u know, the person that anyone dreams of, the perfect person; he was (and still) the love of my life, he loved me till death; and was ready to do anything for me, and he did, but unfortunatly; this year was also not the best time of me; my parents got into a bitter divorce; putting me in middle, actually it was more a war, threats, violence; and i was left alone between the two of them; and if it wasnt for that one person; i wouldnt have survived that far. Now comes the tricky part; for the last month or two month; i felt drawning more and more into this divorce; especially after mother leaving not only dad but also me, and dad becoming too busy with revenge than caring about me, and the constant travel of my boyfriend since we are not from same country, and school holiday, i felt totally alone and left out, i have been too sensitive about everything and over reacting about everything, looking for any object to cut myself or to hurt myself, i felt sad and depressed and alone, and two days ago, my little kitten that i bought to keep me company died of mysterious consequences (sounds like CSI stuff), and my boyfriend became more and more busy with his family and all, leaving me more depressed and alone, i started to become pathetic, asking for him to be with me all day; to give me attention; i felt left out, i started to be maniac, shouting over nothing; crying over nothing; and suicidal again;like usual, and in one fight over this with my boyfriend; i end up breaking up with him (for the 30st time) but just to shake him, which end up by more shouts and screams, that left me .........trying to end my life,and leaving my boyfriend a suicide letter on his email adress... i woke up in hospital after extreme pain, this morning i got home, feeling ashamed and even more sad and depressed, and the worst is not here yet, my boyfriend called, to check what wrong; after reading the mail; pissed off and angry, and end up cursing me and calling me crazy maniac... (which i deserved after threatening him by killing myself eveytime we have a fight) and making me stay alive or he will kill himself too, i begged for him to stay, and to care for me, because i needed him, but it all was in vain; and i felt even more stupid and pathetic; he decided finally to stay friends; but never have him again as a lover, because of my suicide attempt,and my attempt that he saw as leaving him. I never thought of it like that; i was so blind and sad, and till now; i feel pain is only getting worst... i dont know why i wrote this, maybe seeking for any comfort, or idk... i just feel so sad and angry at same time;and i dont have anyone else to talk to.