need a listener

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by afauza, Aug 15, 2010.

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  1. afauza

    afauza Member

    Hello, i dont know from where to start; actually i've never went into suicide forums before, so ill just start writing for whoever is willing to read
    Im 23 years old; and i have been diagnosted with bipolar disorder 3 years ago, since i was 16 i've been suffering from suicidal thoughts; and depression, I have done 4 suicidal attempt, last one being yesterday at 15:30

    I am usually a very happy person; for whoever sees me, i make people laugh; and i bring joy on everyone, for these past years i've been able to handle my depression; by taking anti depressants pills, and sleeping pills,; well actually it didnt do much for me, but at least i became from being too angry and suicidal to becoming like a zombie; i gave up on everything; and i began living day by day, waiting for something to happen. these past years i became lazier; i stopped doing any activities; i stopped any contact with people or friends; and especially after my brother leaving to finish his studies in another countries; i felt more alone (he was my best friend)
    my brother stopped calling or asking for me for the late 2 years; and so, i started to forget him bit by bit too.
    then comes this year; which by far was the best and worst year of my life; i registered in new school, and i met the person u wait for to come for all ur life, your "one", someone finally who can hold your hand when u are feeling like nothing; and all that c**p, u know, the person that anyone dreams of, the perfect person; he was (and still) the love of my life, he loved me till death; and was ready to do anything for me, and he did, but unfortunatly; this year was also not the best time of me; my parents got into a bitter divorce; putting me in middle, actually it was more a war, threats, violence; and i was left alone between the two of them; and if it wasnt for that one person; i wouldnt have survived that far.
    Now comes the tricky part; for the last month or two month; i felt drawning more and more into this divorce; especially after mother leaving not only dad but also me, and dad becoming too busy with revenge than caring about me, and the constant travel of my boyfriend since we are not from same country, and school holiday, i felt totally alone and left out, i have been too sensitive about everything and over reacting about everything, looking for any object to cut myself or to hurt myself, i felt sad and depressed and alone, and two days ago, my little kitten that i bought to keep me company died of mysterious consequences (sounds like CSI stuff), and my boyfriend became more and more busy with his family and all, leaving me more depressed and alone, i started to become pathetic, asking for him to be with me all day; to give me attention; i felt left out, i started to be maniac, shouting over nothing; crying over nothing; and suicidal again;like usual, and in one fight over this with my boyfriend; i end up breaking up with him (for the 30st time) but just to shake him, which end up by more shouts and screams, that left me .........trying to end my life,and leaving my boyfriend a suicide letter on his email adress... i woke up in hospital after extreme pain, this morning i got home, feeling ashamed and even more sad and depressed, and the worst is not here yet, my boyfriend called, to check what wrong; after reading the mail; pissed off and angry, and end up cursing me and calling me crazy maniac... (which i deserved after threatening him by killing myself eveytime we have a fight) and making me stay alive or he will kill himself too, i begged for him to stay, and to care for me, because i needed him, but it all was in vain; and i felt even more stupid and pathetic; he decided finally to stay friends; but never have him again as a lover, because of my suicide attempt,and my attempt that he saw as leaving him.
    I never thought of it like that; i was so blind and sad, and till now; i feel pain is only getting worst...
    i dont know why i wrote this, maybe seeking for any comfort, or idk...
    i just feel so sad and angry at same time;and i dont have anyone else to talk to.
  2. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, I'm glad you chose us to help you.

    I read everything you have to say, and I want to apologize for what you've been through.

    I have a similar disorder, Borderline Personality, so I know how hard it can be with something like that under your belt. What type of medication do you take? Does it help?

    Divorce must be hard on you, no matter how old or how young you are. Do you ever see your mom? Or have you tried to tell your dad how you've been feeling?

    And your boyfriend fought with you because of your suicide attempt? As much as in love as you must be, he doesn't seem like a good boyfriend, instead of comfort you, scream at you. You didn't deserve that. You are in a deep dark time in your life and he's suppose to understand that and take care of you. I understand he must have been upset you broke up with him. That probably did contribute, but he had no sense to call you a crazy maniac. You aren't crazy, you are depressed. Everyone takes depression as just a simple sadness. It is actually more than that, and I wish I could take away all the pain you are feeling.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2010
  3. afauza

    afauza Member

    I took seroplex (i dont know if it commercialize in your country) but actually i never continued the treatement, after 6 months , usually i give up; after feeling like zombie, i stopped treatement, i felt like im a walking dead, sure it stopped my suicidal thoughts; but i felt dead so... it makes sence.

    And about my boyfriend; he got tired; begging everytime ,crying everytime not to do it; (in every fight it was my weapon of making him stop shouting or stop yelling), i expected this time to be same too, i wanted him to see that i was in pain; i never thought of leaving him; i just reacted immediatly after fight; i couldnt even think clearly, even the method of the suicide attempt was kinda weired, i never blamed my boyfriend for anything, he was there for me anytime i needed him, even if i need him to take away fleas from my kitten in the middle of night; he would come, he loved me at point of tatooing my name on his body (and he is not even a tatoo person), he was amazing on every level; but i think i became too much for him to handle (he even said that) i mean seriously, who can handle a suicidal/maniac as a girlfriend; who threaten him everytime by leaving to live in mountains (big influence by into the wild movie) or kill herself, i even cut myself in front of him once in a fight because he wouldnt stop yelling, I know im making excuses for him and i look like a pathetic lover, but im not like that , trust me, i know love, true love, but he couldnt handle me anymore (im not always like that btw,i cant handle even my own self) but im just in shock after today, after him shouting and yelling, and his excuse was: u did this to me 1000times, i begged 1000 times and i even cried 1000 times; so enough! i cant handle u anymore;

    im sorry i write too much, but im just in shock at the point of googling suicide forums , and registering to speak to anyone who can hear, i dont even know how to write in order...

    and about mom (i forgot u asked), i was never in good terms with her; ive lived with her for the past 8 months while divorce was happening; and she ends up being against me for some reason (i think she is sick also) and then she just end up leaving after big fight with her and dad ( i told her i was suicidal because of her, in past years and that she is killing me by her moves= she was putting dad against me) so dad ends up kicking her after she almost hit me, and since then she closed the page and never tried to fix herself or fix me, i called her after; she wouldnt answer
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2010
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I used to suffer from bipolar. I hated it, puching and pulling anyone that was near me. There is hope for you. Don't give up. Blessings.. :hug:
  5. afauza

    afauza Member

    :) i hope
  6. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that. Can I give you some blunt advice - whether or not a guy wants a girl often has nothing to do with her psychological state. If you are hot enough, then he will stay with you. If you are not very attractive, it won't take much for him to find an excuse to leave you.

    Unfortunately that is just how men are biologically wired. A man will easily choose a troubled hot chick over a stable, unpretty woman.

    Recognise his shallowness for what it is - and from that you have to decide what it is you want. If you still want to be in a relationship with him, ignore your suicidal issues - work on making yourself look pretty (e.g. by going to the gym and eating healthy, getting a cool hairstyle and wearing making). Men will very easily overlook any flaws in a girl's life if she is good-looking, trust me on this one.

    I'm sorry about your parents - that area I'm not really qualified to advise you on. I just hope they can sort things out. Women often leave men when they feel like the man isn't 'man' enough for them anymore, so if you dad wants your mum back the best way he can do it is by becoming an attractive man that every other woman wants, and once your mum sees that she'll become jealous and go back to him. But unfortunately wussy behaviour is the biggest killer of romance (which might have contributed to some extent to your boyfriend not wanting you anymore - but like I say, I'm guessing that the main reason is because he doesn't find you too attractive).
  7. afauza

    afauza Member

    :D u made me laugh (something i missed to do)
    thank you
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