need a reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kait, Dec 30, 2010.

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  1. kait

    kait Member

    to not go in the kitchen and slice a fucking artery.
    i feel like nobody wants me around and i feel like the scum of the earth.
    i have been so on edge, depressed, and struggling with my bulimia, then tonight my daughter wouldn't stop and i spanked her a little too hard.
    my fiance said if it happens again he will call dhs on me and get her taken away. i didn't mean to and i didn't bruise her and she is acting fine. but i am freaking out just watching her sleep because my ocd is convincing me if i don't count her breath then she will die. i am so scared and just feel like i hate myself.
    then i looked on his phone to see if he had read a text i sent him and this girl had been texting calling him baby. i kind of know her and i know she likes him. he always says that he loves me so much and we are so connected and in love, but i am worried now that he really just hates me.
    none of this probably makes sense, but i'm completely wired and i don't know what to do. i just want everything to stop.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Kait. Please don't slice your artery hon. You're being too hard on yourself. I'm sure your daughter is just fine. Maybe next time you can try yelling at your daughter instead of spanking her? Also, if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, you should confront him about it. Don't give up. :hug:
  3. DMOS

    DMOS Member

    No matter how terrible you feel about yourself, please think about your daughter. You may have hit her tonight, but in twenty years she won't remember any of that, don't let her remember the night you killed yourself. Everyone deserves a mother, especially one who seems to care as much as you do If you can't stick around for yourself, stick around for that beautiful child who deserves to have you in her life. You have so much to live for, Kait!
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    What help and support are you getting Kait? Have you spoken with your doctor? Are you on any meds?
    We all lash out occassionally so don't feel so much guilt. It can be very difficult to bring children up especially when you're not well.
    PM me if you need to talk
  5. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    You spanked her. That's it. You didn't leave a bruise. I, personally, am glad I was raised to be taught respect - my mom slapped my mouth when I swore and told her I hated her when I was 12, and I'm very glad she did, because I never, ever did it again. I love her just as much today - I didn't even mean it when I told her I'd hated her. I never thought being grounded was a big deal - I never learned my lesson when I was grounded, but when she spanked me - and she never left a bruise - I never did the same thing that got me spanked again.

    The spanking stopped once I hit 13, of course, and that's when I became more of a problem child.

    So don't feel too bad. You're a wonderful mother.
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