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Need advice desperately

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I just read the checklist for abusers and my mom is everyone of those things, especially to me. She's not a bad person, she had it very hard in the past. She also grew up with 5 other siblings and her father passed away when she was a little girl, so she didn't see many healthy relationships. Everyeon was busy just trying to make ends meet. But, the thing is, it's jsut fucking killing me here.

I advised my dad ot leave her, because he was so unhappy and he was making her so unhappy too. He wasn't an abuser but he wasn't the best husband either to my mom bc my mom left everything to be with him and expected a lot more than what he gave her. I understand my mom in this sense. But, now it's just me and she's always accused me of being jealous of my younger brother, of wanting her and him to die and that i was manipulating the situation to make it more difficult between her and my dad. There are too many things to explain but basically since i was a kid, everything but sexual abuse, she's employed. But everything else mentally and spiritually just gets worse and worse now that my brother is away at college and I'm the only one at home. Physically, now that i'm bigger she doens't hit me as much or throw me by my hair and she hasn't kicked me outside of the house since i was a little girl. i'm lucky my father wasn't the abusive one.

I feel sorry for her, i wish i made more money and i wish i could love her more and cook and clean the way she wants me too. But, the truth is ii can't love her nemore bc she makes me feel so horrible about myself. i can't forgive her for so many things from my past and from now. I'm torn, on one hand I want to stick around and go the corporate route and support her comfortably and be her continual emotional support, (she has no one but my little borther who she refuses to depend on emotionally), but I also want a chance to grow on my own and feel good about myself.

I've planned a study abroad trip, instead of a more permanent job bc i needed to be somewhere she can't harass me twenty times a day. but i feel so guilty. She says she doesn't understand how i can leave her when she's in such a difficult situation. That i'm wasting college money that she could've used. also, she's mentally and physically sick. she doens't care to make good friends and she never takes care of her health. So, sometimes she faints and often she called me in college, (almost everyday) for help with her work or to talk about emotional things she needed advice/support on. I know she could liveon her own but I know she wont' take any steps to help herself. She'll just hate me and I'll hate myself bc i knew better and wasn't there for her. I don't know what to do.

If something happens to her, i don't know if i'll forgive myself.

I'm going INSANE. I'll feel guilty if i leave and if i stay, i'll only hate myself and think about breaking things and cutting my stomach and slashing my wrists.

How do i feel good about going out on my own to find some way to be happy without feeling like i dont' deserve it?
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Hun, you need to try and do what is best for you. I think your mother should be in therapy...but from what you said about her I am not sure she would go to therapy. What do you want to do in life?

You can't fix your mother hun, only she can help herself, if she is not willing or in denial there's nothing you can do, and you can't take on your families problems, because we often to and take on things and try and fix others but we can't we can only help ourselves.

I am sorry you have a tough situation on your hands.....but I can't tell you what to do I can only tell you what I have. All I can do besides that is tell you that I am here for you if you EVER need someone to listen, and advice if I can.....I wish you luck.

But set that aside know that if you ever need to vent, talk, a listener I and everyone else are here for you, please know there is hope and life can get better.......life can be beautiful, if you help it along.

(if you ever want to talk my msn: painNsiolence@hotmail.com and my yahoo: tha_cross_woman@yahoo.com)


(I'll pray for you)

With loadsa hugs,


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I agree completely with what pNs has said: you can't "fix" your mom or her life, you can only control YOUR life. I don't blame you for wanting to get away from her - it might be the best thing you can do. As for helping your mom with her problems, well, you can't help anyone else if you yourself are desperately in need of help. Abuse is abuse, whether past or present, and there's NO EXCUSE for abuse. I hope you can get yourself out of there long enough to heal some from your past.

Take care of yourself first. I care.

sending love and hugs and hope to you,



Account Closed
Guilt is the only tool she has to control you. i think may also be using you. You need to get on with your own life in my oppinion.

the guilt and all the rest of the crap will go away. therapy does help to go through that. She should be feeling guilty that she is not seeking any professional help.

If you leave/get on with your life she may get it and seek professional help, which might help her like nothing before.

But its just my advice.
oh honey... what you are feeling is what abused people feel like. When i discovered that for myself a big window opened up and a light came in. I was not a lone. You are not alone. The thing that makes *all* types of abuse so bad is that the victims suffer such guilt and agony. We try harder and harder and walk on tiptoe to appease the abuser. It doesn't work. What she does isn't about you. You could give her everything, money, love, be the perfect child... it wouldn't stop the behaviour.

It isn't happening because you weren't good enough. It is not your fault. No matter how guilty you feel, or what you have ever done... you don't deserve abuse.

eaten any babies lately? i didn't think so. But I am guessing that for even the slightest mistake she treats you like you have done something so horrble. Her past does not justify abuse.

You need to find people to talk to about this. I don't know where you are or what resources there are there... I know a lot of young adults don't want to talk to someone because they are afraid of what will happen... and what will happen to the abuser. It's ok to feel that way, it's a normal reaction.

A lot of places have anonymous help lines for high school kids... here it's called kids help line. Go to a pay phone... call around to whatever counselling centers there are in your area... ask about confidential or anonymous help.

you are a good person. you are. even in the midst of what you are going through your first thoughts are for someone else's wellbeing.

you can learn to love your mom but set limits with her... you really can.

i am aching becuase i know... i have been there and i know. Talk to someone sweetie... it will open a window for you too.
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