I just read the checklist for abusers and my mom is everyone of those things, especially to me. She's not a bad person, she had it very hard in the past. She also grew up with 5 other siblings and her father passed away when she was a little girl, so she didn't see many healthy relationships. Everyeon was busy just trying to make ends meet. But, the thing is, it's jsut fucking killing me here. I advised my dad ot leave her, because he was so unhappy and he was making her so unhappy too. He wasn't an abuser but he wasn't the best husband either to my mom bc my mom left everything to be with him and expected a lot more than what he gave her. I understand my mom in this sense. But, now it's just me and she's always accused me of being jealous of my younger brother, of wanting her and him to die and that i was manipulating the situation to make it more difficult between her and my dad. There are too many things to explain but basically since i was a kid, everything but sexual abuse, she's employed. But everything else mentally and spiritually just gets worse and worse now that my brother is away at college and I'm the only one at home. Physically, now that i'm bigger she doens't hit me as much or throw me by my hair and she hasn't kicked me outside of the house since i was a little girl. i'm lucky my father wasn't the abusive one. I feel sorry for her, i wish i made more money and i wish i could love her more and cook and clean the way she wants me too. But, the truth is ii can't love her nemore bc she makes me feel so horrible about myself. i can't forgive her for so many things from my past and from now. I'm torn, on one hand I want to stick around and go the corporate route and support her comfortably and be her continual emotional support, (she has no one but my little borther who she refuses to depend on emotionally), but I also want a chance to grow on my own and feel good about myself. I've planned a study abroad trip, instead of a more permanent job bc i needed to be somewhere she can't harass me twenty times a day. but i feel so guilty. She says she doesn't understand how i can leave her when she's in such a difficult situation. That i'm wasting college money that she could've used. also, she's mentally and physically sick. she doens't care to make good friends and she never takes care of her health. So, sometimes she faints and often she called me in college, (almost everyday) for help with her work or to talk about emotional things she needed advice/support on. I know she could liveon her own but I know she wont' take any steps to help herself. She'll just hate me and I'll hate myself bc i knew better and wasn't there for her. I don't know what to do. If something happens to her, i don't know if i'll forgive myself. I'm going INSANE. I'll feel guilty if i leave and if i stay, i'll only hate myself and think about breaking things and cutting my stomach and slashing my wrists. How do i feel good about going out on my own to find some way to be happy without feeling like i dont' deserve it?