need advice in relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by RestlessSpirit, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. RestlessSpirit

    RestlessSpirit New Member

    Hello everybody,

    I hope you can help me with any advice regarding my relationship, because I am not really sure where I am, where to go and where my feelings will lead me to.

    To understand the background I have been together for nearly 3 years with my girlfriend, which is as well my first real girlfriend. Before i came with her together I have never been touched by the world of self-hurting and suicide in a direct way.
    My girlfriend instead was in her past raped several times by her stepfather and - i think mainly because of that - became depressive and already tried 2 times to kill herself. This was many years ago, even before we met. She was already married to a man after that and has two children.

    When I came together with her she directly told me about her past and her feelings and that she cuts herself. I couldn't realize it in the first way as you could perhaps imagine and it was not really easy for me to deal with it. After the initial love feelings whe came quite fast to reality and our relationship nearly ended two times already because of me. The first time about 2 years ago I didn't really know if I loved her anymore and the last time about 1 and a half year ago when I took in question if I could really deal with all this.
    For me and my girlfriend these were hard times, because we really loved together and I have no doubt that I am her hold in her life which she already told me a few times.

    Nontheless we stayed together and quite everything went ok for us. But since then she hides her "dark" side from me to keep it easy for me and not to make me worry about her. She even tries to stop cutting herself even if she has the feeling to need it just to "save" me. I don't honestly if it is the right way to go. I have to admit that it helps myself but I don't think that you should hide things from each other in a good relationship.

    After that and about a year ago now then I moved together with her and her two children. It was a good idea because we had a weekend-relationship before and we had often disputes about how to spend our weekends because I sometimes liked to do other things on one weekend day instead staying the complete weekend with her. When we moved together though it felt good and we didn't have any conflict by now. Moreon we share the same interests and do many things together which is mostly laying cuddling in bed together watching tv or play computer togher. Yeah, not the most interesting activities for everyone, but we are both quite introverted.

    In the last time though I begin to doubt again if I am still lucky in this relationship and I cannot answer this question to myself. Im am not unlucky if I don't lie to myself, but I think I am not lucky either. I think we are just living side by side. On the one hand she lets me smile and there are days when I look in her eyes that gives me a warm feeling and I don't know why I doubted. On the other hand there are days I am quite uncomfortable and think that a friendship would be better instead a relationship.
    I have to mention that we nearly never had any discussions since we came, especially moved together. But this is in my oppinion because i am really considerate to her and do not want to hurt her in any way. When there is a discussion coming I give her right and pardon me, even if it isn't my fault just to let her feel comfortable. Moreover another side that I am not comfortable with is our sexual relationship. Because of her past she doesn't like sexual contact in any way even intense kisses. I try to respect this and try to step back. She knows that this isn't easy for me and once in a while (every 1-2 month) we have sex.
    I know that she does it because she loves me and she wants to please me. I cannot say that I don't enjoy sex with her but on the other hand it makes me sad because I know she does it just for me. But in my oppinion this is part of a working relationship and I do not want to abstain from it completely.

    So i am unsure what to do. I know it would be the right way to talk with her about my feelings, but I think it would destroy everything. She just feels comfortable and happy with me now the way it is and last time I had doubts she let me know that if I will have doubts again she could not go to it once again and would end our relationship. But this is not what I want or is it perhaps?

    There are often times I think about how to make her a blithness e.g. cook something for her or think that she would like something and buy that for her. Other times I just think about how it would be to be single again and find myself looking at other women and thinking about how it would be to be in a relationship with them or that I wouldn't mind seeing her for a few days. Then I think of her again and think that I should be happy to have a girlfriend with the same interesests and same humour which loves me deeply and I think / hope that I love her too.

    Nontheless the last thing I would like to do is to hurt my girlfriend but I know if I talk to her or finish the relationship it would hurt her deeply and I don't know if she could ever build up the trust to me again and try to hurt or kill herself.

    Perhaps some of you came to similar situations and can give me some advice.

  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Hey Restless,

    My wife was raped over many years by her stepfather and resulting in an abortion at 16. I too know what it's like to feel that hesitation during sex and wanting to be close and spontaneous but not be able to do so.

    I don't know if you partner likes to read, but Tolle has a great book called "The Power of Now" and has a chapter about what he calls "The Pain Body" which means being identified with past traumas, not being able to let go. I love how he put it together.

    The true healing is one where we can let go of the past. For example, my mom took her life but I have let go making me free to talk and share about it without it taking me to my knees in despair or grief. I didn't witness the suicide so I don't have that memory, but I'm imagining for your partner that she was there in the rape, she felt it, smelled it, heard it, and saw it happening to her. In other words, she lived her trauma where I mostly just thought about mine. So sex for her is going to be an experience that triggers a lot of memories.

    It sounds like she depends "willpower" to get through life, perhaps trying to block out the bad memories in order to prevent reliving them. And sex is naturally a moment of let go which for her would be to let go of the repressed memories and disappear into the moment with her, but those memories are going to be a moment killer if you accidentally do something in just the same way that was done to her in the past and if she ever doubts your love for her then she can easily project that she's being used for sex like before regardless of how much you love her. Safer for her to hold back in sex to prevent as much as possible anything "bad" happening inside her head.

    Personally, if she really is providing sex for you but it's hurting her, then I would stop. It's a choice between your instinctual need for sex and your love for her, getting vs. giving.

    A guy named Rumi has a great quote about the answer already being in the question. You're wondering if you should pull back and be friends and be open to other women. You already know the answer. You've tried to "fix" this relationship but it's not working and you're not complete and now thinking about other possibilities. To me, it would be best to explore life and not try to fix it. Your partner has a lot of growth to work through and forcing yourself to be with her is not actually helping her to face her life but allowing her to delay doing so. Love that restricts the freedom to be one's self isn't love at all but a dependency where the beloved is used as a mental crutch forcing the beloved to behave as the crutch 24/7/365. It's not necessary...we all have two feet to stand on, but most of us hop around on one, looking for someone to lean on.

    This article is about the need to get our own house in order before we can truly love another....

  3. RestlessSpirit

    RestlessSpirit New Member

    Hi Ron,

    thanks for your advice. Somehow I think it would be the bast to end our relationship. But it is easier said than done. I don't want to hurt her feelings and especially this I would do in that case. Moreover I couldn't say that I don't have any feelings for her left. She still is important to me. So I don't really know if I can do it.

  4. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    I understand.

    When I was dating my wife, I felt something was missing but didn't know what that meant for my life as I had never been married or had kids before. I also didn't know what love was and my interest in her was fueled by my life's dream of breaking the cycle of divorce in my family. My parents had each been married three times.

    I didn't break up with her because I didn't want to hurt her, but now, 20 years later, I'm hurting her and I can't go back into time. She's a truly wonderful and beautiful lady that I simply can't connect with outside of sex. The "dream" was accomplished and without a new dream, there is only our true harmony left over and that harmony isn't strong enough to make living together relaxing. Somewhere in life, each person has to have a place to relax and I'm the most relaxed alone and the least when she's at home, not because she's negative or anything, but because I can't flow authentically without getting some funny look on her face of judgment or misunderstanding.

    And I can't get her to understand what my problem is.

    Here's a quote about loveless sex...don't know if it applies here but I thought I would post it just in case. It speaks for my experience at home and in life.