Need Advice On Action

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by max911, Dec 30, 2008.

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  1. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    Well here's the background on it.

    My girlfriend a long bit ago dated what we can call an prick. He did alot of shit that would qualify him as such. So anyway, he was also a good friend of mine, until I started dating my girlfriend and learned about what he did and what he's doing. Anyway, so recently he apologized over myspace and so my girlfriend wanted to get things off her chest and tell him she can't even be his friend, but wanted him to be aware of what he did to her emotionally, and also to vent. So she went with him and his friends to his place that he's staying at now, his parents, and they went into his room to talk. During that time the friends left and then he started to say stuff like, "You're so cute" and so forth even while my girlfriend explained how much she loved me and that she never felt right with anyone but me. They were laying on his bed, on their sides facing eachother with considerable distance between them, an arms length, and he took his hand and started to stroke her leg, and she had a skirt on. She moved away from him but he kept getting closer and continued, until eventually he pushed past her panties and started fingering her, which she pushed all the way towards the back of the bed, and kind of pushed his hand away, but he grabbed her neck, didn't choke her, but grabbed her neck to stop her moving and fingered her for alittle. And then he pushed himself inside of her, put his hand over her mouth, and raped her very hard, even with her showing no signs of pleasure and her pushing on his chest a bit, he pushed down on her and kept going until he was done.

    From what I written that is indeed rape right? Rape isn't considered from the amount of action on part of the victim but by the act of unwanted sexual encounter right? Because she knows she could of done more, she could of tried to run out or shouted for the dad, but she didn't, so does that mean she can't press charges? She was raped before, when she was walking late one night, so I'm pretty sure her shocked state was due to remembering that sort of thing and generally being shocked.

    What should we do?

    Thanks for any advice that can help us through this time. She didn't think it was rape, so I yelled at her and so forth, and I feel horrible, thinking she did cheat on me. But luckily I love her enough to of been there more for her and not me, and found out how it all happened. She has a real bad self image of herself so didn't think anything of it...
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    IMHO i would count that as rape and if i had the balls to do so i would report it.

    one of my encounters was a similar instance, with not shouting out tho people were in the house, so yes i would say that is rape.
  3. wunderwood

    wunderwood Well-Known Member

    umm, yeah that is rape. no fucking doubt about it.

    I really really really hope you have apologized about yelling at her about it. A lot of times it is easier to try to convince yourself it was consentual because it somehow makes the situation less scary. But in no way can what you described be considered consentual.

    If she wants to report it she should. She def needs to get into some sort of counseling and at some point should get tested to make sure she didn't pick anything up from the assault.

    I don't know where you live, but check out
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That is rape.

    What can you do about it? Make a complaint to the police. Make sure she receives counseling :hug:
  5. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Indeed you can go to the police, as long as she is prepared to give a statement etc.

    I went through the same thing and your interview they give through rape is very intense, they ask very, very personal questions, which I found hard to deal with.

    The question is, can she go through something like that?
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    She needs help,
    she needs support,
    she needs understanding,
    yes, it was rape -
    When someone has been vicitimized before, there is a mentality that kicks in that makes her unable to really fight "tooth & nail" . What she did was more fighting than some would have done.

    In my opinion it is more important for her to get the help she needs - even though any decent person would want the rapist punished (tortured slowly to death if it were up to me).

    Perhaps get a counselor that works with rape victims first; then, when she is stronger, she can take a stand with strength and put the rapist away. It sounds as if they will be too rough to deal with until she gains some strength and resolve.

    That strength is something she can only gain from having the support, it seems, you are willing to give her.

    What action? Take care of her first - then put the garbage away.
  7. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for all your support.

    It doesn't help that she had such a horrible self esteem before. What sucks even more is that was in her mind one of the best days she had until he fucked it up, we just got a new kitten, very loving, she gave me a very nice engagement ring, we had plans to go to New years dinner at her favorite restaurant, and a bunch of other things. She's been really in the dumps, really depressed, and thinks it's her fault it happened. She feels disgusted about herself and so forth. Haven't been to the therapy place yet. But she really doesn't feel like she can talk to anyone about it. It doesn't help that she has memory loss without this sort of trauma already.

    And I don't know, he lives nearby, works nearby, and rides a motorcycle that's easy to spot. I'm a very violent person, especially to rapist, and I just don't know how much I can hold back if I see him, so in a way I want to put him away, where I can't get him, as soon as possible, but I don't want to rush her... My thoughts are really turning black, and I can switch just like nothing and never come back. The only thing keeping me centered and away from violence is me being there for her, and the fact that I may be sent away for a long time if I act on my feelings, and I can't live without her for that long.
  8. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    Just as an update, I checked into it and there's no local centers, the closest one that is RAINN affiliated is booked until February... So it seems like we may have to report the crime for Crime Compensation, but, what exactly does that do when we report it? I want to wait for her to be ready, and given how the crime was performed, the previous relationship with the fuckhead, and his inability to tell the truth to anyone I would really like a victim advocate or like a psychologist or something that has a great understanding and knows my girlfriend to be present at trial. Are they going to force us into a trial date? And to initially file the report, what all do they need? Just spoken statement?
  9. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    although the rainn affiliated centre may be booked til then you can still call their helpline and they should be able to answer all of these questions. i can only advise on the UK process :(
    this has to come from her tho make sure she is ready. rainn can also help you to deal with this and although it is natural to seek revenge for your gf, don't cos she needs you more than ever. try to get her to come on here.. there are many of us who have been there and we can help her. she will not be judged.
    is there a rape crisis line you can call for advice? i would do that to get all the info you both need if you are going to take action. it will be very hard but worth it but make sure she is ready and able to cope. like i say try get her on here and we will try to help her

    good luck

    sam xx
  10. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Yes. that is rape. And im sorry she had to go through it. When she is ready, she should most definitely turn it in. I'm not really sure how you would do that...because it really depends on where you live. But, get in touch when some type of law enforcement when SHE is ready. Good luck :)
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