i struggle telling people the full extent of how i feel so sorry if im rambing on...
basically i can remember as far back as when i was nine as to when i think my depression first started, this is mainly because that is the time i remember having my first suicidal thoughts...
my mum got with my younger siblings father when she split from my dad when i was two, i have very little memories of that age until about 4/5 when i first started school and i remember there being VERY mild sexual abuse... he was a drug user who used to physically abuse my mum, but never sexually (i know this as she is very open about what happened when i have asked in the past)... he was very abusive to me in all ways, physically, emotionally, the lot... my mum left him with the support of police after an event when i was 8 in which he told me to go to my room whilst he killed my mum and sister who was nearly one at the time, i was teh one to ring the police which he is aware of... we moved from one side of england to the other where my mum started a new relationship with a man who was abusive toward me in all ways except sexual... he left when i was 10... at nine i had suicidal thought of od's, hanging myself and drowning myself, i used to picture them vividly... i some how managed to get teh courage to tell my mum about these at 10 who told me that it was normal and that it ws just horemoans from puberty... these thoughts never went and while on a cadet course i tried to od at 12... a close friend found me whilst i was taking the pills and forced me to throw up what i had already swollowed... my mum was never informed as her lack of support had made our relationship strained and i was staying with an older friend... i have several other occasions when this occoured over the next few years then when 15 i finally had the courage to tell my mum again after she had laughed of my early plea with friends saying it was all for attention and to upset her... she took me to the doctors who sent me for a assessment which came back as mild, i hadnt told them exactly how i felt as my mum had told me they would lock me up in a mental home and basically scared me so that i wouldnt... reason still un known... they only suggested self confidence boosting as treatment which left me agry and lower since i felt no one believed me, that was a year ago and im now at an all time low, i came across this page whilst trying to find the exact number of ******** that would kill me for my height and weight... i have a very supportive boyf, but feel i cant always tell him as i know how much it upsets him when i am honest...
i went to teh docs teh other week to ask for help and they just said to see how i felt in a week and to come back if i felt i still needed help, i really dont know what to do, i want help to stop having these thoughts as i know deep down i dont want to die, i just dont want to feel this way but i have been scared into getting help so much and when i try im not taken seriously... does anyone have any suggestions?
basically i can remember as far back as when i was nine as to when i think my depression first started, this is mainly because that is the time i remember having my first suicidal thoughts...
my mum got with my younger siblings father when she split from my dad when i was two, i have very little memories of that age until about 4/5 when i first started school and i remember there being VERY mild sexual abuse... he was a drug user who used to physically abuse my mum, but never sexually (i know this as she is very open about what happened when i have asked in the past)... he was very abusive to me in all ways, physically, emotionally, the lot... my mum left him with the support of police after an event when i was 8 in which he told me to go to my room whilst he killed my mum and sister who was nearly one at the time, i was teh one to ring the police which he is aware of... we moved from one side of england to the other where my mum started a new relationship with a man who was abusive toward me in all ways except sexual... he left when i was 10... at nine i had suicidal thought of od's, hanging myself and drowning myself, i used to picture them vividly... i some how managed to get teh courage to tell my mum about these at 10 who told me that it was normal and that it ws just horemoans from puberty... these thoughts never went and while on a cadet course i tried to od at 12... a close friend found me whilst i was taking the pills and forced me to throw up what i had already swollowed... my mum was never informed as her lack of support had made our relationship strained and i was staying with an older friend... i have several other occasions when this occoured over the next few years then when 15 i finally had the courage to tell my mum again after she had laughed of my early plea with friends saying it was all for attention and to upset her... she took me to the doctors who sent me for a assessment which came back as mild, i hadnt told them exactly how i felt as my mum had told me they would lock me up in a mental home and basically scared me so that i wouldnt... reason still un known... they only suggested self confidence boosting as treatment which left me agry and lower since i felt no one believed me, that was a year ago and im now at an all time low, i came across this page whilst trying to find the exact number of ******** that would kill me for my height and weight... i have a very supportive boyf, but feel i cant always tell him as i know how much it upsets him when i am honest...
i went to teh docs teh other week to ask for help and they just said to see how i felt in a week and to come back if i felt i still needed help, i really dont know what to do, i want help to stop having these thoughts as i know deep down i dont want to die, i just dont want to feel this way but i have been scared into getting help so much and when i try im not taken seriously... does anyone have any suggestions?
