Need advice please

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by na-taya, May 8, 2016.

  1. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    So I need advice on how to be assertive with my needs....

    I'll try and explain the best I can, my friend has a job now and don't get me wrong I am so glad that she does.....but she does a mix of night shifts and morning shifts. Her partner works quiet late as well but always has. So I babysit when they are both at work.

    Before I started I said I could do a max of 3 night's a week, she said that was fine and wouldn't expect me to do it that often. But she didn't listen to my requests.

    I am scared enough of this friendship ending as it is my only friendship I have in my life.
    I want to help my friend out because I am that kind of person, I will go to great lengths to help my friend(s if i had more)

    I don't know how to say what I need amongst all this as I know they need the money desperately and as I said I am glad to help.........BUT i think every on has their limits I'm sure and I can't help but feel I'm being taken advantage of a bit, not totally but enough. They are paying me minimal amounts and I'm not doing it for the money it's just a bonus for me.

    But my friend said she is going to take every shift possible and thay could mean her being away for a week or two at a time. I have my fingers crossed that doesn't happen.

    I find it hard enough to say what I need and want as it is. And it took me about two week to build up the courage and say I could only do a max of 3 night's a week.

    So how do you go about being more assertive so that what you say is actually heard and taken seriously??
    I am always scared of saying what I need or thing for fears that nobody will like me.

    Don't get me wrong the child is amazing and I enjoy her company and playing with her.

    I use to think this friendship was a two way street but even before she started work things were starting to feel like I one way street.

    I know it all my fault for letting myself get walked all over and not being able to say no, but i just don't know how to state my needs again it was hard enough the first time
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    You are right, hun. Everyone has their limits, and I think it's very fair of you to want to do it for the 3 nights per week. You are doing her a big favour, and it's a lot to ask.

    If she is paying you, could she pay a teenage girl to do the babysitting on the days when you can't? She could interview them and ask for references even if trust is an issue.

    I know it's not easy to say, but if you prepare yourself, and even come up with solutions to present to her? And that you of course still want to the 3 nights. That gives you a stronger foundation to start on.

    I wish I had more advice, but perhaps someone else does?

    Good luck with it hun! You're being a great friend, btw.
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Thank you @ThePhantomLady for always taking the time to respond to my posts.

    I will try my best to find a way to bring it up with her again. My plan was to save as much money from it so I could go for a trip to see my brother.....but now I probably can't as my cats need to be looked after and my only friend is the one I babysit for so she prob can't do it. And I don't want to see my brother at the weight I am, I know he really won't care but I just couldn't do it I don't think.

    My friend paid me well the money went into my account today BUT she said it would be $300 but it was only $200. The extra money was from a previous amount I lent. I sent her a text about it and I feel so horrible about bringing it up but she told me to be honest with the money anxiety is through the roof right now.

    I'm seeing my support worker tomorrow she believe this stress will send me back to hospital especially if I attend uni like planned for second semester.
    I was already struggling before this all started so will see what happens I guess.....

    I just really don't want to loose this friendship as it's all I have
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    You should discuss this with your support worker in the morning too. You are important hun. You matter and you need to take care of you!

    Your friend should respect that too. Besides, what interest would she have in sending you to hospital?? Have you told her how severe that is?
  5. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    No, it's not all you have. You have a loving and caring heart. A brother who wants you in his life. Intelligence to attend university which will allow you to explore many interesting things. A child who loves you dearly for the love and affection you give. The courage and self respect to care for yourself.

    Assertiveness is an important quality that helps you establish healthy boundaries. And not everyone has mastered it. Your friend has crossed the line. How she reacts to your demand will allow you to decide if the friendship is real.

    Write a letter, make a call, visit in person. Whichever you choose make it clear you will only work 3 nights a week. Make it clear which evenings, then let her decide on which three. Under no circumstances say something that allows her to push your boundaries. Saying, well in an emergency... Because that gives her the power to decide to ask for another day.

    Standing up for yourself can be scary but you can do it.
  6. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    My friend wouldn't want to send me to hospital, but she dosnt seem to listen when I express my concerns well she listens but she dismisses them and dosnt realize it take me a lot to mention them in the first place and I don't really mention what's going on unless I really really need to.

    @Striking thank you so much for your kind words about me I appreciate it a lot. As for my brother I hope he wants me in his life, he dosnt normally contact me on the odd occasion that he might I am so greatful as I love my brother. So I'm not so sure how important I am in his life or to him, I would like to hope as important as he his to me but I'm just not sure. But you are very right I am lucky to have him in my life no matter how little it may be. I last saw him 3years ago as he's in a different state than me.

    I will try my best to find a way to be assertive about the situation I really struggle to say stuff in the first place and then if I get knocked down or ignored I find it harder to stand back up I'm normally compeletly back down.

    The response to the message about the money said thanks for being honest and that she is an awful person. I didn't say it to her to make her feel bad at all that was not my intention.

    I'm starting to realize that this may not be the healthiest of friendships but it is the only friendship I have so I'm scared to loose it. But I also know this is my own falut for letting myself be walked all over like this and I'm the only one who can change it. So I have to figure out a way somehow.....

    Thank you so much for your advice I will try find a way that will suite me to bring it up again with her. I just need to bite the bullet and do it I guess....I just feel I can't make a move.

    And I feel horrible for making her feel awful I didn't mean to do that at all...I
  7. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    When the inner voice says no, you say fuck yes