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Need advice (sexual abuse)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Inneedofadvice13, Jul 4, 2009.

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  1. My girlfriend recently told me that for the last 2 years she's been sleeping with her mom's boyfriend whenever she goes back home to stay. We've been together a while now but soon it's going to be the first time she goes home to stay since we've been dating, she says he won't stop trying even if he knows we're together and that she's slept with him while in every relationship she's been in. I told her I thought it was abuse (she was 16 when it started, it's legal age there) she says he's helped her a lot and that he'd never try if she said no. I feel horrible for asking this... But can I trust her? It'd kill me if she slept with him I can't stand the thought of that happening again but how can I trust her if she slept with him while sh was with someone she loved. Only the fact she admitted all this to me makes me think she wouldn't, but I still feel uneasy with the idea of her even being within the same city as him! :cry: also if it turns out she tries saying no but ends up sleeping with him then it is abuse and what the fuck do I do???
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    I've read this over a few times now & I'm still not really sure how to reply.

    It's hard to say if this is abuse because I don't know what your girlfriend is thinking & what she feels about the situation. My 1st reaction was no, but that's only because of what I've read.

    Do you know why she decided to tell you now?

    Abuse or not, I think your girlfriend's Mum has to know about the situation.

    Best of luck & please let us know what happens.
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    It is sexual abuse.

    She's only bloody sixteen years old. How many relationships can she have been in?

    Also he's not only the adult (probably a good twice her age!) but her mother's boyfriend. There are limits! A boyfriend is only one step away from a step-father which is only one step away from a father, which is incest. He's in a position of both authority and putting himself in the position of a parental figure (as the mother's boyfriend).

    Too much is wrong with this. She needs to be aware of what is wrong with this, and why. If she's not aware then she needs a lot of help. You could start helping her by showing her websites that explain what sexual abuse is.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh yes this is abuse of course She is 16 and obviously not well mentally to be sleeping with her mothers boyfriend. He is a pervert a child molester He knows what the fuck he is doing and if i were you id be on the phone right now and calling the baster and telling him just that. The mother needs to know this as she will protect her daughter and kick his ass out of the home i hope once and for all. Not fair for the mother not to be told. Phone and tell mother what the hell has been going on I hope she does what is necessary to get rid of this ass once and for all. God i hate this of course it is sexual abuse.
  5. She was about 16 when it started she's 19 now and assured me it was her choice, she calls him step-dad as well which does make me feel uncomfortable. Also her mum doesn't speak English and she told me her and her mum couldn't survive without his financial help... I'm scare he could use that to threaten her or that he'll pray on her when she's upset or vunerable... She'll be living at home for like a month... :(
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm going to reiterate that this is abuse. This is sexual abuse.

    Whether she is willing or not, he was the adult when this began.

    And again I retiterate her own words, "... she says he won't stop trying even if he knows we're together and that she's slept with him while in every relationship she's been in." HE WON'T STOP TRYING.

    And now this, "she told me her mum couldn't survive without his financial help." I'm hearing from that statement that this is HER fear as well as yours, that he will hold this over their heads. THAT IS ABUSE.

    I'm sorry I'm not telling you what you want to hear. I am telling you the facts. This man is manipulating your GF and she is allowing it. She's willingly admitting to having an affair with her mother's BF UNDER DURESS.

    Its your choice how you handle the situation. I'm sorry that you found yourself in this, and I'm more sorry for your GF and her mother at the hands of some monster.
  7. No, it's not that I didn't want to hear it and I'm of looking for sympathy for me... I just don't know what I hated the idea of more, both make me so angry, she's sworn she is going to tell him no this time (apparently she didn't before). She gets angry when I talk about it claiming I don't trust her.. Thanks for advice, if he touches her again I'll make sure he regrets it...
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry i wouldn't wait until that happens the mother needs to know now
  9. If I do tell her mum she'll probably leave him right? And be left without any way to support herself, my gf will claim I didn't trust her and she can't trust me for going behind her back. Or alternatively her mum won't believe me and my gf denies it and she leaves me and then will deffinately go back to sleeping with him. At the moment she doesn't see it as abuse so as much as it kills me I have to wait... If it does happen again then she'll have no choice but to see what is happening and I'll make sure the sob gets what he deserves... Fuck I hate this...
  10. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    There are places she and her mother can go for help. They're not going to be left out in the cold. Perhaps, for the time being, you can find support for them. Battered women's shelters are a good place to begin to look. They deal with this kind of thing all the time, and have support networks out there. These two women need serious help.
  11. There isn't a single battered women's shelter in or around where she lives, she doesn't live in a nice comfortable nanny country where everyone takes care of you. If she leaves him she will be on her own, chances are my gf will have to drop out of Uni and try to look for a job here during a credit crisis as a foreigner and make enough to try supporting them both. Really think either of them would thank me or go for that?
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I still think the mother should know It is not fair her relationship goes on not knowing what he did to her daughter. There are bursaries grants from government your girlfriend could apply to them but right now saftey is more important the mother needs to know bottom line.
  13. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    So what country do you live in? Perhaps someone from there may have some advice.
  14. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    this is so fucked up
  15. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    If you're not sure you can trust her, that's bad.
  16. The main problem with it all is that she doesn't seem to see it as abuse, she agreed that it was wrong but just asked wether I was disgusted at her, I said no because she was really upset and I think it's his fault not hers. I came home the other day and she was chatting to him online as if it was normal... I want to try and make her realize that she's got to change her attidue with him or stand up for herself against him, maybe make a threat herself.. Jet someting that'll stop him trying. Trust me I'd love to exopose this fucker for what he is but I think if I try she will leave me feeling betrayed and upset just when she's going back home, so I'd basically be setting it up to happen, I can't do that... Oh Russia is the country btw which is whats making it difficuilt :/
  17. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    You shouldnt be worried about her reactions if you would speak up and try to change the suituation. If she gets angry at you when your only trying to help then she probably doesnt care all that much for you. True we dont always appreciate when someone tries to help us out but once calmed down in a better state of mind I think most people are then thankful for any help. I hope this is making sence to you and Im sorry its not a nice thing to hear. If she doesnt see anything wrong with it and has done it thru out other relationships I wouldnt hold my breath. Maybe a good sit down chat with her and see where it goes. Good Luck!
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