Need advice

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by SaxItUp, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. SaxItUp

    SaxItUp Guest

    A little over two years ago, my best friend died. I have been blaming myself for her death since then. The thing is, I have Bipolar Disorder. When i am either really manic, or really depressed, I cannot distinguish between reality and my disorder. When i am in the extremes, my feelings become exagerated, and i actually think that i have killed her. Sometimes i have hallucinations, that she is here with me, and i can touch her, and then she dies, because of a bullet to her head that i believe is because of me. Right now, obviously, i am in the middle of manic and depressed. Right now, i am fairly rational, but when i get into my "episodes", i really do think that i have killed her. She died over two years ago, and i am still having trouble coping with her death. She died of a combination of alcohol poisoning and an impaired ariway, and it is unknown which was the thing that killed her. I realize, right now, that her drinking was not my fault, but when i am in an extreme, i believe that it was my actions that led her to drink so much, because she wanted to die.
    I guess i am writing for advice on how to "cope" with something that happens inside my body. I am on medication to help it, but when i get into an episode, i do not take it, sometimes thinking that it is poison, sometimes thinking that it will kill me. Medication is also not very helpful for me in the first place. Anyway, i guess i just wanted a pity-party. :/
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    Your situation hit home for me.. Let me explain; My best friend died due to suicide in 2004 and I always have blamed myself for it because I wasn't there to answer the phone the night she killed herself, even though I had promised I'd always be there for her.
    I've only just recently started to accept the fact that SHE wanted to die, and that SHE was the one ending her life. I still at times feel guilty over it and blame myself...

    Anyway to get to your situation, it can take years to 'get over that guilt', so to say. It can literally take years before you can accept that SHE was the one drinking. Nobody MADE her drink, not you, not her family, not the pope, NOBODY.
    Do you have councelling of any sorts? Do you see a therapist? Perhaps EMDR could help you? ( My therapists have considered EMDR for me to deal with my friend's death, and specifically the part where I blame myself, perhaps it'd be an idea for you as well?

    If you ever feel like talking to someone in a similar situation, feel free to email me or add me on MSN (Ishy87[a]gmail[dot]com)

  3. in 2000 my only son went into the hospital for an asthima attack.

    the dr. wanted to keep him over night for observation, my son wanted to come home.

    i convinced my son to stay.

    he died (a nurse gave him the wrong meds).

    i too have bipolar.
    i dont take meds.
    but i am managing me mood with breathing techniques, therapy.
    and being vigliant of myself in every way.

    when i was on meds, they did not help me either, but it didnt help when i would take them sporatically(forgive my spelling).
    my dr. said if i was not going to take them as perscribed, dont take them.

    what you feel is very real during the manic phase. somehow you have to find away to stabilize.

    in the mean time keep posting, talking, pm-ing, and whatever else it's going to take to keep it together.

    i've only been in this forum for a day and all ready i can see how helpful it is going to be in my life.

    i pray that you are granted peace.

    stay close to the forum, pm me anytime.

    Last edited: Mar 26, 2008
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Andrea. You shouldn't blame yourself for your best friend's death because you didn't kill her. She chose to drink too much and paid the ultimate price. I know that you really loved her and cared for her, but it wasn't your fault. The truth is, that our lives are in our own hands. We aren't responsible for the lives of others. All you can do is be a good friend and listen and help as much as you can. Instead of blaming yourself, why not just remember your friend for the wonderful person that she was and all the fun you guys had? Just let yourself heal. :hug: