Need an escape

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hollow, Dec 26, 2013.

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  1. Hollow

    Hollow New Member

    I need an escape. I am constantly thinking of suicide every day, I have for 11 years now and the only reason I am alive is because of my 2 younger brothers. I know they would be heartbroken if I died, so for their sake I keep on living even though I am miserable. So if suicide can't be my escape, you must be thinking, that I should change my life somehow or move away.

    Here is my situation. At 18 years old I left my home and moved across the country. I moved because up until then, I had spent my entire life violently abused by my father while my mother turned a blind eye on an almost daily basis. And from about 9 to 12 I suffered sexual abuse from neighbors and various other acquaintances. I was (and still am) severely depressed and my younger siblings were always given much better treatment which really damaged my self esteem. My siblings were never abused and while I am thankful for that it made me feel even more worthless. My parents often refused me food for days as "punishment" and I never had a winter coat. They told me many terrible things and names, and often told my to kill myself. Of course no Christmas or birthday gifts either while my siblings were spoiled rotten. I missed school on a regular basis so no one would ask about my injuries. They somehow had money for my sister's college tuition and a car/driving lessons for her but never for me. I was left behind on most family vacations. My first attempt at suicide was at 9 years old and there have been several since. But I left all that behind when I moved, right?

    No, now I am living with an abusive boyfriend who just got fired from his 3rd job in a row. Which means, again, I am paying for BOTH of our rents, food, gas, and everything else - while he refuses to look for another job. Though even when he had a job he stole a great deal of money from me despite making significantly more. But worse than that, we get into fights on a daily basis that often end with him physically abusing me. Or kicking me out of the car in a bad neighborhood and driving away (we live in a city with a VERY high crime rate). Or locking me outside in freezing weather at night. Or pulling hair, punching, biting, scratching, hitting me, kicking me... fyi he is twice my size, muscular and highly experienced in martial arts. I am a weak anemic 99 lbs. girl a head shorter than him. All of my money is stolen by this man, even if I could afford to move somewhere with my little part time job, any hope at saving money is taken by him. And because of my past traumatic experiences where I was sexually abused, as well as the fact that I am religious and was raised in this way, I wanted to wait until marriage to do anything sexual. I have of course communicated this to him from the start, but despite that, he forces me to do things (though not actual intercourse, thankfully, it is still unappreciated and makes me feel like a terrible person even though none of it was wanted). And don't forget the personal insults, the screaming and the terrible words he's said to me.

    So maybe I should just leave my life here for the past 2 years behind and move back in with my family, even though I am physically and emotionally abused there too, at least I am with my siblings I love and am not forced into anything sexual right? Oh I don't have any money... but if I explained this to my parents, they could help me, right? Except that I was also banished from my family because since moving out I informed them I was not of the same religion that every single one of them are.

    Even if I could go back, it's either abuse there or abuse here... but I'm stuck here and I see no means to change that. I have a hard time not seeing suicide as my only option to end my daily torture. I try to tell myself my brothers would understand, but at the last second I really can't kid myself into thinking that. But what else can I do? I want to kill myself so bad, no, more than anything I just want an escape, but what do I do? With no car. No friends. No one who would possibly take me in. No money. How can I do anything about my situation? Please someone help me... but I know I'm asking for some magical solution that doesn't exist. Who am I kidding?
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am SO sorry this has happened to you. I know some amazingly good people who have had similarly horriffic pasts. Some were able to get safe and really begin the healing process. It took work. But it sure was worth it.

    Do you think you could call a battered womans helpline? They may know of some good resources for you. And some good support for you. The most important thing is that you find a safe place to be right now. And a battered womens helpline will help with that. You can be honest with them.Tell them that you do not have a safe place to go. If you can call, would you be able to explain why you cannot move back home to the area you came from? Would you do that? I would be glad to find a phone number for you to call. If you would like to let me know the area in which you live now. Do you think you could make that call to a battered womens helpline?
     
  3. Hi and welcome to the forum. :hug:

    Have you tried talking to someone face to face - a trauma counsellor? Be honest with the the trauma counsellor about your suicidal thoughts. Usually feeling unsafe, unable to predict what is going to happen next and a sense of control being lost will toss you into a sense of disequilibrium. You need someone to guide you from there. :hug: stay safe
     
  4. Hollow

    Hollow New Member

    Hello, I appreciate your concern and I don't mean to be rude but I don't feel comfortable doing so. I hope you understand. I think it would cause a lot of legal trouble and other issues, and I have pets I care about here I wouldn't be able to bring and I am worried about leaving them. But thank you, really.

    I had years ago, and I do believe it helped, but it's been a slump I've been stuck in for years... I feel I am better now than I was before, but I've still got a long way to go. I would like to do it now but I don't have the money to, unfortunately.
     
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