need an outlet- quite simply

So here I am. I decided that I should at least try to talk to other people and share my story with those who are going through simmilar experiences. I attend therapy and have great friends- but sharing my thoughts of suicide with them would only work to make me feel even more so enclined to end me existence. I am too afraid to speak to anyone or a health professional because the last thing I need is to end up in a mental health facility under suicide watch.

Firstly, I want to say that I do not have an outlook that this is a 'cruel world' or feel that outside things are the reasons for my thoughts. The more I think about suicide over the last 3 years , the more rational and the more at peace I feel when I think about it, which is what scares me to the point that I must share this with someone.

basically, I had a rough last 2 years. I made a stupid mistake and was unable to forgive myself over it. I'm moving on, but now I am left with the fact that I haven't taken care of myself and my plans at all over this time period. I am in alot of debt and just learned my car insurance has been cut off. Now I am stuck with a car in my friend's house, where I am living, with no way of moving it home an hour away. This was the last straw in my thought patterns.

I am almost 25, and I have no education, no worldy possesions of any reasonable value. All of my friends and family have moved on with their lives and began life as adults. I am stuck in my adolesnce, unsure of who I am and what I am doing here. I can function very well at my job and in society and amongst friends/family, but on the inside I feel as if my life is a complete ruin. I wanted to be done university by now, but instead I am living in debt to my parents and everyone else imaginable, I am ashamed and feel like a noone. I came to accept that even my religion could not help me. I had considered conversion to Judaism for many years, but now have realized this will never happen. The reminders are everywhere. I am a failure, and I have accepted that.

My friends are all of a higher middle class background and flourishing, my family, though my nuclear one is of humble factory working background, are all well respected and my extended family are all intellegent, hardworking and educated.

I just feel no pride in myself anymore, and I don't feel it is even possible at this point to regain it. I have let my parents , friends and myself down.

 

You are not a failure. Not by a long shot. You have posted here and shared your pain. Something that is even too difficult to do in RL. There is a part of you reaching out, trying to get past this dark place you have fallen into. And you are still listening to that part of you. You are still trying to find strength to help it grow.

There is another "f" word that describes you. Fighter!!! You have fought through so much and are still fighting. You havent given up yet. And you know there are still options like here. So please keep posting. Keep reaching out. Just by sharing your thoughts here is a step in the right direction. You can actually feel the "relief" typing out the words here for someone to read, that would be considered so taboo with friends and family.

Keep holding on and fighting. And let others know what you are fighting. Even if just here at the forum. It does make a difference. You make a difference. Dont waste all the effort you have put out already. Dont let the thoughts over take your ability to see you have the fight left to try and make it, move forward and see if better things are still to come.

 

The thing for me is that I have not 'faught' for or against anything. In the last 25 years all I have done is barely managed to get through high school, disspoint my friends and family and amass a large amount of debt, amongst getting into terrible situations that could have easily been avoided.
Now I feel like its time to say 'okay, you've have a zillion chances, you had a good life, but you mess it up time and time again and can't fix it at this point'.
my credit is destroyed, my money is non-existant, I will never have a car, likely not another cell phone , appartment, university education, girlfriend, let alone wife or children and certainly nothing but the crap jobs I have had so far in life.

 

But you are still here. You have fought to do that. I'm 45 and share some of the same problems and have a few that are uniquely my own. No money, no credit, in debt up to my eyeballs,no husband or bf, about to lose my home, my youngest was just taken from me, no will to want to keep fighting the same shit day after day and as if I've used up all the zillions of chances that have been thrown my way.

Guess I'm just trying to say I kind of understand how overwhelmed you're feeling and that you arent alone. That in itself sometimes helps a little. To know that one other person understands what you are battling.

 

To me, I just don't want to continue in a life where I cannot possibly have any of the things that would bring me a sense of accomplishment. I have brought too much shame to my own life and the lives of my friends and family.
They have worked too hard to be brought down by my constant need for reassurance and my inability to have anything going for me.

I honestly thought and understood that this was merely depression, but after years of trying to treat it I realize that even if this is the case (I don't even feel particularly depressed most of the time, and when I do its obviously because of the stuff I have got myself into, not something of a chemical imbalance).

What is the problem with someone feeling that their life , not meaningless, but void of any true possibility of fufillment, simply does not want to go on? My family and friends are all busy, active people with lives of their own. I can literally go months without contacting them and noone will even notice. I feel that my death, though obviously 'sad' to maybe a dozen if that, will blow over in the period of a few weeks and life, as always, goes on, except that they will not have me to weigh them down with my problems and debts.

They deserve responsible, well minded and articulate friends, and I can't provide that to anyone. I hate to sound cliche here, but if we are going to all die anyways, and we aren't enjoying it and have NO possibility of moving forward in the direction we want, then what is the point in suffering and not enjoying one's self? I chose not to pay my bills, to waste my time and money, my possibilities. This is the result. It's irreversable at this point- so why would I bother?

 

You've got to settle with what you have and go on from there. What exactly do you seek accomplishment in? Education, getting a job? It never is too late for that, going back to school, entering as a mature student? Never too late. Get a job? Plenty of time as long as you have a family backing you up. Please revise your options carefully and thoroughly. There is turning back.

 

What happens when someone doesn't want to settle and 'put up' with the way they have molded their lives?
At what point does cronic depression and failure amount to a reasonable cause to not want to continue life?
I think about how my leaving this world would effect it- and though it saddens me to think that I have to put my friends and family through this, I know they will be better off in the long run for it, and I have never had or made strong connections with anyone becasue I have assumed this will happen for a long while.
I won't even think about asking anyone out on a date and haven't been on one in more than 4-5 years becasue I don't want to make any connections with anyone that could try to change my desicion and ultimatly make me end up draging someone down with my debt and inability to cope with the realities of adult life.