Need change, and some hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bstoned, Apr 26, 2010.

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  1. bstoned

    bstoned New Member

    I registered this account a while ago when I was going through some rough times. Haven't logged in in awhile. But anyway...

    I need help and don't know where to go or what to do. Extremely depressed lately, obsessing over suicide. I'm recovering from a two year drug addiction to benzos and opioids. I have fourty-one days clean, and I obsess over using everyday. I think to myself, it would be better high and alive then sober and dead. I almost OD'd several times back when I was using, I wish I would have to be honest. Lost my job three weeks ago. I have no money, no car, no health insurance to get professional help, a shitty bunch of "family" members that don't care if I live or die, I'm wondering how the fuck I'm going to pay next months bills because I'm flat broke, and wondering how I'm going to stay alive.

    Losing my friends day by day. My best friend of 15 years decided he was going to distance himself from me when I quit doing drugs, I heard from another friend that he doesn't even consider me to be his friend anymore. I have two other good friends that I think are getting annoyed by me, probably because I bitch about my problems to them. They don't talk to me and I get this feeling they don't want to be around me anymore

    My dad is a drunk and his girlfriend is a drug addict, both currently using with no desire to quit. Back when I was using they enabled and encouraged my drug use. Now that I quit they treat me like shit. My dad and I got into an argument recently and we haven't talked in days. He's more like a shitty friend then a father. He would constantly argue with me over the dumbest of shit like how much soap I was using to wash my cloths with. When he runs his mouth at me I just want to snap and beat the hell out of him.

    My mom is supportive in a sense. She lives a hundred and fifty miles away. My stepdad didn't like me and he kicked me out when I graduated highschool, and she just stood by and watched. I know she loves me, but her priorities might be a bit skewed.

    Yeah, and there's this girl that entered my life three months ago. She's amazing and terrible at the same time. We're not going out because she has no interest in being "more then friends". She rejected me two times when I asked her out. We hang out on a daily basis, I get emotionally closer and closer every day but I know nothing will ever come out of it. She's also a bit crazy, has her own emotional problems, kind of in the same boat I'm in. Her mom has borderline personality disorder and I think it may have rubbed off on her. She does some things that make me question her, I think I may be being manipulated and decieved. I have no idea what her motives are towards me.

    All this shit compounded and added up is creating this pressure cooker feeling in my mind. I wonder how I'm going to make it till the next day. I think I would have already tried killing myself if I had some good pills or a gun to do it with. I don't want to fry my liver with tylenol and risk living with that. I need some hope, I need a fucking change or I'm not going to make it.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi B...so glad you decided to post and congrads on 41 days clean...it is not easy especially when the planet does not cooperate (and it never does)...please stick to your own program and do not get entangled with ppl who are using...and good luck finding another job...hope you find support and comfort here...big hugs, J
     
  3. bono

    bono Well-Known Member

    What about social services the umeploymment office. In some countries the social workers help recovering addicts find work. Give taxes breaks to employers willing to hire them, and threats of discrimation lawsuits for not hiring. I would play the disabilty card to find work. There no shame in admitting you have had problems. There's only shame in failing to try and fix your problems. Good Luck. Addiction and depression are lifestyle choices, but some people are more suspectible to them then others.
     
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