Need Clarity

[S7ven]

Got laid off from my job last week and now I’m having relationship problems with my gf... I feel like I need to cry but I can’t. From time to time death sounds very comforting.

I have pretty low self confidence and I think that has affected my relationship. My insecurities have surfaced in my relationship which results in me pushing my gf away. This lack of confidence also makes her less attracted to me. I don’t feel like she even is supportive of me and sometimes think I’m better off without her but that fear of loneliness is terrifying.

Luckily I have 6 months of severance from work plus 2 years of living expenses saved. So money isn’t a problem at least. I have stopped drinking, started online counseling, eating healthier, and working out. So I hope with time things will improve...

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear this S7ven

Luckily I have 6 months of severance from work plus 2 years of living expenses saved. So money isn’t a problem at least. I have stopped drinking, started online counseling, eating healthier, and working out. So I hope with time things will improve...

That's definitely a bright side to it. You've done and are doing a lot of positive things, so maybe you can build on it from there.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Couples fight when more stressors come into the picture. A job loss is a huge one. However you have time on your hands to fix that resumé back up and start applying for jobs. Confidence is the key here as you said. It does impact your relationship to people around you in your life. Maybe ask your GF and yourself a full day to try not to talk about topics that leads into arguments but compliment each other all day and see how that goes. Just dont give in just yet.

 

[S7ven]

Thanks for the support everyone, makes me feel a little better. My counselor says I need time to grieve my job loss. I think I directly correlated my career to self worth and without my job I feel like nothing...

Honestly though, the job I think I can deal with... I’ll grieve, realize my worth, and find another job. I think the big problem is my relationship, I’m so freaking terrified of being alone that I don’t know if I still love my gf or the idea of not being alone. I nearly committed suicide at 12 years old over the realization that people die and I could be alone in this world. I’m so afraid of being alone. I’m horrible at socializing and so what if I never find another gf or she ends up being the person I was meant to be with and I screwed it up?

 

[Here2Listen]

Hi S7ven,
It seems that you’re off to a good start, just as the others commented. To start doing something is a good sign and your chances of success gets better. When you say drinking, I am assuming that you’re talking about a bit of heavy drinking, getting hammered. It might help to have a friend or friends who can check up on you and hold you accountable. Drinking is a life destroyer and the moment you have a setback in life it is so easy to slide back.

The only thing I can add to the what the others advised is that there may be some ways to boost your confidence. First of all, try your best not to fret too much about failing. I know that its hard but there’s an old saying that if you think you will fail, you already failed. And one way to fight the fear of being alone is to enjoy being alone. Do things by yourself, take a walk in the park, go to a restaurant or movie by yourself. Ignore people looking at you because sometimes you only think that they are looking at you but might be actually looking at something else. Little by little you will notice the difference and it might help you boost your confidence.

Sometimes people lack confidence because there are a lot of things they can’t do that seem so easy to others such as fixing things, dealing with finances, making financial and legal decisions. I had all these when I came to this country and what I simply went to the library and read up and then try the advice I got. Knowledge is important, but confidence can only be boosted by taking risks. And learning … whether you made a mistake or you succeeded.

So, it is important that you get to really know your gf. Most of us have been trained growing up to always tell what is in our minds, what we want, but rarely encouraged to listen. It might help you to learn to listen, if you are not yet doing that now. It takes a lot of practice to learn to be a good listener.

I also don’t know if your lack of confidence with your gf is a symptom of a more general difficulty with relating to other people. If this is true maybe you can strike a conversation with people, strangers, wherever you are. You can practice listening and talking to them. Even though I am basically an introvert, I talk to people young and old, just a few minutes, and many times I tell them jokes, especially young kids. Some of them would say I’m corny or old fashioned. But these little jabs from people I might never see again anyway actually makes me stronger. I just laugh at them. So, the key is to practice. And also, oftentimes the conversations are rewarding. I hope your life slowly gets better.

 

[S7ven]

Thank you for the support Here2Listen. I’m continuing my healthier habits and I’m trying really hard to be positive and learn more about myself.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning to a text message from someone telling me my gf has been cheating on me. I confronted her about it in person and although we talked about it for over an hour she adamantly denies the claim. I have no proof either way so I have decided to believe she did not cheat. After the fight we decided it was best to take a break and not talk to or see each other for week. So I’m all messed up after that, I ran 3 miles as fast as I could on the treadmill at the gym and then came home and cried because I feel overwhelmed. I don’t really feel like suicide but I feel so alone. The one person I love more than anything is slowly falling away from me. My only recourse is to put it in God’s hands because it’s too much for me

 

[Lara_C]

Hi @S7ven. I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time of it recently, but I think things with your girlfriend will right themselves when you recover your balance after losing your job. As you said, losing your job has brought to your attention the underlying issue of self-worth which you need to work on. It made you feel you were nothing, and therefore you became dependent on your girlfriend to reassure you of your value and that having you in her life is important. In this context, it must have been devastating to get a text accusing her of cheating on you. I'm glad you've decided not to believe it without proof, but the emotional impact is there all the same and worse because of the blow to your confidence from the loss of your job.

It does however give you an opportunity to look at your own values and whether you are judging yourself by valid standards. Imo, the value of a person doesn't depend on things like the kind job they've got, or how much money they have. I think if you become more aware of what you would really value in a friend, you will find qualities in yourself, or develop them, which would make you more confident and less socially anxious. I think the fear of being alone and social anxiety will go away when you start to appreciate yourself more than you do right now.

Do you think you could talk with your gf about these self worth issues? She might be more understanding and supportive if you could be open about your feelings with her.