So I have had a pretty rough year, including losing my grandmother, serious family issues, and getting my heart broken. None of which I can do anything about. I got dumped at the end of April and experienced a week of morning panic attacks, vomiting, and little sleep. I lost a little bit of weight, and I realized how great it felt. So then I started losing on purpose. First I just started eating healthier and running and it felt good but it wasn't enough. I had to cut more calories, run harder and faster. Do more situps. Eat less. The pain of hunger felt GOOD. It felt like I deserved that pain, that distraction. It is so much easier to think about numbers and calories and an exercise schedule than how I feel like I'm drowning. Than thinking about how different and strange I am. Than entertaining suicidal thoughts and pondering how much of a psycho I am and having fake conversations in my head, imagining he comes back to me. I bought a scale and weigh myself two or three times a day. In the past month and a half or so I've dropped roughly 25 pounds and weigh about 137. The weight continues to drop but its still not enough. Its not much of a struggle anymore and its not as satisfying. My parents aren't exactly the type to accept the thought of their children being anything but perfect, therapy is out of the question until I can go on my own terms to the school psychologist once college starts up again. Even then, how will that help me? I know that I can lose as much weight as I want and talk to whoever I want, but deep down I'll still think of myself as a freak and I'll still be alone and I won't be able to change anything.