Need help and advice. My Job has me seriously contemplating suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by willow869, Oct 22, 2013.

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  1. willow869

    willow869 New Member

    For the past two weeks I've been pretty much a mess; contemplating suicide, breaking down in tears, cutting. I'm bi-polar and off my meds and have been for some time. I've moved around a lot the last year and a half because I worked in opposition research as a campaign tracker. Probably not the most advisable gig for a person with mental health issues, but I've always been politically inclined, impulsive, ballsy and good with a camera. On the road it's hard to find doctors, especially when there's always a month long waiting list. There has also been periods during the past few years that I've been uninsured.

    Ultimately, that year and half I spent on the road, was pretty neutral. I was content with my job, despite the constant stress and I was always able to cope. Sometimes I drank too much, but it was never to the point where I couldn't function. I also really loved how close co-workers get when they work on campaigns together. It helps morale when you have equally stress-out coworkers to share a drink and bitch to.

    Recently,however, I changed jobs and moved in with my boyfriend. It's been all down hill from there.

    I took a long-term job as a blogger/undercover researcher. When I say "undercover" I mean, I'm legally not allowed to tell people what I actually do for a living. Which is stressful in itself. If anyone in town found out and it was traced to me, I could be sued by my employer.

    My cover is that I'm a local blogger writing about education news, but in reality I'm being paid by a coalition of pro-reform groups who hired me to stalk several pro-union leaders and activist. It's completely shady and I hate every minute of it.

    When I accepted the job, my boss told me I would be working with a non-profit advocacy group to stop the city from turning the district into all charter schools. Turns out, it's actually the opposite. Also, when I signed on-- I let my boss know that I wasn't a strong writer. ( Not that I told him this, but, I have a learning disability) Boss said the job wouldn't be too intense; only 3 or 4 articles a week. Again, this wasn't true. I have been expected to write and edit at least 2 or 3 a day and he wants stories out the night of events because I'm not expected to sleep I guess. Now I know that reporter live on similar schedules, but there's very good reasons why I never pursued a career in journalism. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stress and constant writing.

    On top of all this, I don't have co-workers. I am expected to work at home. I end up spending ten hours alone in my empty apartment, trying desperately to write articles that make me disgusted. I haven't submitted anything in days because I can't stop crying and having panic attacks long enough to concentrate.

    I can't lose my job because I'd lose my insurance and my apartment... but, I really don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and I'm really scared I might do something drastic. I keep trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but I can't seem to get anyone on the line. A lot of waiting lists. I can't check myself in either. I'd lose my job and my insurance. I can't leave until the end of my contract I don't know if I'll make it.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF. Sorry to hear the job has you down. I would say the obvious advice is to look for new job. It is holiday season and something for a job is easier this time of year than most. If you have not written for days likely will not be your option for much longer anyway so spend some time looking for different now since not accomplishing much where you are. Based on your job description sounds like it would be far more of an independent contractor type position anyway and it will not do you any good on future employment if you cannot tell people what job was so no matter what you do at end of contract will be an issue. I understand need income for rent and / or insurance but if not writing will lose job so is almost irrelevant. Being proactive may help get you out of depressive funk as you will be doing something to change situation as opposed to waiting for it to get worse while suffering emotionally. if you are suicidal because of job then it certainly is not of importance making to end of contract if that is reason you do not make it.
  3. willow869

    willow869 New Member

    Thank you for the advise. I'm going to try and be proactive. It will be kind of hard finding a job (BA in History) but maybe you're right. It might help me get out of the slump. I think I might trying applying to schools. My plan was always to go back, but I kept putting off the applications because other opportunities came up.

    I think just getting it all out helped too. It's been rough because I can't really talk about the stresses of my job with anyone, except to my boyfriend and parents and they all work long hours.

    Also, I'm technically an official employee of their firm. Which doesn't make much of a difference except I would be eligible for unemployement when the contract comes to an end. I was hoping to be able to collect in case I can't find anything.
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