For the past two weeks I've been pretty much a mess; contemplating suicide, breaking down in tears, cutting. I'm bi-polar and off my meds and have been for some time. I've moved around a lot the last year and a half because I worked in opposition research as a campaign tracker. Probably not the most advisable gig for a person with mental health issues, but I've always been politically inclined, impulsive, ballsy and good with a camera. On the road it's hard to find doctors, especially when there's always a month long waiting list. There has also been periods during the past few years that I've been uninsured. Ultimately, that year and half I spent on the road, was pretty neutral. I was content with my job, despite the constant stress and I was always able to cope. Sometimes I drank too much, but it was never to the point where I couldn't function. I also really loved how close co-workers get when they work on campaigns together. It helps morale when you have equally stress-out coworkers to share a drink and bitch to. Recently,however, I changed jobs and moved in with my boyfriend. It's been all down hill from there. I took a long-term job as a blogger/undercover researcher. When I say "undercover" I mean, I'm legally not allowed to tell people what I actually do for a living. Which is stressful in itself. If anyone in town found out and it was traced to me, I could be sued by my employer. My cover is that I'm a local blogger writing about education news, but in reality I'm being paid by a coalition of pro-reform groups who hired me to stalk several pro-union leaders and activist. It's completely shady and I hate every minute of it. When I accepted the job, my boss told me I would be working with a non-profit advocacy group to stop the city from turning the district into all charter schools. Turns out, it's actually the opposite. Also, when I signed on-- I let my boss know that I wasn't a strong writer. ( Not that I told him this, but, I have a learning disability) Boss said the job wouldn't be too intense; only 3 or 4 articles a week. Again, this wasn't true. I have been expected to write and edit at least 2 or 3 a day and he wants stories out the night of events because I'm not expected to sleep I guess. Now I know that reporter live on similar schedules, but there's very good reasons why I never pursued a career in journalism. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stress and constant writing. On top of all this, I don't have co-workers. I am expected to work at home. I end up spending ten hours alone in my empty apartment, trying desperately to write articles that make me disgusted. I haven't submitted anything in days because I can't stop crying and having panic attacks long enough to concentrate. I can't lose my job because I'd lose my insurance and my apartment... but, I really don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and I'm really scared I might do something drastic. I keep trying to get an appointment with a therapist, but I can't seem to get anyone on the line. A lot of waiting lists. I can't check myself in either. I'd lose my job and my insurance. I can't leave until the end of my contract I don't know if I'll make it.